


Only You

by Cold_Breeze



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual integration of members, Fluff and Angst, From Sex to Love, Getting Back Together, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Death, Random Encounters, Romance, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, smoking and drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 71
Words: 72,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22735867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Breeze/pseuds/Cold_Breeze
Summary: Hyungwon doesn't do relationships, or so he thought before he met Hoseok.Will they manage to reach each others hearts?
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Hyungwonho
Comments: 230
Kudos: 104





	1. Blind

**Author's Note:**

> It's a remake of 40°C

It was raining outside. 

It had been a warm day for February but as the night became darker the wind went up.

Hyungwon was smoking on the balcony. The city was long time asleep except for orange lights far away. 

He was holding a cigarette between his long, bony fingers, shivering. 

He inhaled greedily, puffing full lungs of smoke out from time to time. 

He was lost in his own thoughts when he heard shuffling behind him. 

He turned around only to see a guy he “has been seeing” for the last couple of months.

Hyungwon didn’t look him straight in the eyes. The only thing that caught his eye was a fresh cut on his lip. 

He unconsciously licked his own, signaling only so lightly with his right index finger.

The other guy cracked his neck on both sides before opening the balcony door wider, pulling Hyungwon’s t-shirt towards him, sloppily kissing him right in the mouth a second later.

Hyungwon pushed his left hand a little further but when the other guy didn’t seem he would stop any time soon he wrapped his both hands, a cigarette in his left hand around the guy’s bare, muscular shoulders.

They pulled apart a minute later, to catch their breaths. Hyungwon moistured his lips, he tasted metal on the tip of his tongue.

“Come, we aren’t done yet.” The other whispered into his neck while putting small pecks on Hyungwon’s neck.

Hyungwon took a drag, exhaling right into the guy. His eyes were gleaming. 

Hyungwon wasn’t aware of it himself but they were full of lust and the other guy could feel it. He came to learn Hyungwon’s habits. He was getting more impatient.

“Hoseok.” Hyungwon said in a raspy voice while taking the other guy’s hand off of his butt. “Let me finish my cigarette first.”

“Come on.” The addressed guy almost purred into his ear.

Hyungwon didn’t bother to put the cigarette out as he threw it over the balcony and stepped inside. 

“You’re drunk.” He softly laughed.

“So are you.” He tugged on the shirt to make Hyungwon lean over, biting furiously on his neck.

“Ugh” Hyungwon whimpered. 

He didn’t mind foreplays that involved pain. A single bite could make him hard but he tried to control himself. 

However, he never seemed to realize that it didn’t work with every single person. It is something he will have to find out eventually.

“You’re salty.” The other guy said while pulling back, running his tongue over his lower lip.

Hyungwon swallowed. 

“Last time I checked I was still a human. Do you expect me to not sweat after all we’ve done just a moment ago?”

Hoseok grinned. “Let’s make you even saltier.”

* * *

Hyungwon woke up a little after 11AM with a mild hangover. 

He stretched and probed a place next to him, empty. 

He opened his eyes and sighed, looking at the ceiling for a long time. 

“I am fucked,” he whispered with a hard chest while getting up and sending a couple of messages before motioning towards the bathroom.

**Pet:**

What are you doing on Thursday?

Why?

**Pet:**

Want to grab dinner?

Why?

**Pet:**

I like you better when your stomach is full.

I want to eat meat. No seafood this time.

**Pet:**

Deal.

Hoseok turned off his phone, wide grin plastered all over his face. 

“I’ve been lucky to get someone like him. Pureblood pets are the best.”

* * *

Four days later.

You know, I’ve been thinking.

Yeah?

Your attitude has changed.

Yeah?

Hoseok hummed. "You’ve become softer."

Hyungwon almost choked on his food. He looked at Hoseok, he was returning the gaze. 

There was nothing extraordinary but Hyungwon knew. He knew Hoseok might not have had figured him out but he was close. 

He was close to finding out the truth.

“Why do you think so?” Hyungwon scratched the back of his neck.

Hoseok took a moment to formulate his thoughts. 

“I like you. You’re hot and we have crazy compatibility but that’s where I want us to be. You haven’t forgotten, right?”

Hyungwon chuckled. 

“I was the one who picked you up, Hoseok. I don’t do relationships. What are you getting at?” His heart started to dully ache.

Hoseok sighed. Hyungwon read it as a sigh of relief.

“No, there is nothing to be concerned about. Even though the chances were slim but I started to think you might have caught feelings for me. I am glad I am wrong.” He laughed.

Hyungwon cursed inside his mind. “I am fucked.”


	2. Lost on you

One week later.

“Why the hell should I bring you home?” Hyungwon hissed as he dropped Hoseok on his bed. 

“Oi, Mr. drunk head, wake up.”

Hoseok cracked one eye open. 

He seemed like he wanted to say something but in the end, he just closed his eyes and gave one of his sweet dreamy smiles. 

His corners of the lips arched up. 

Hyungwon swallowed. He recklessly pulled his tie off while watching the guy on his bed curling into a fetus position.

“Oi, do you really think I will let you sleep if you on your own accord wanted to come to my place?” 

Hyungwon climbed on the bed, turning Hoseok on the back, sitting on top of him, his tie in his right hand.

Hoseok drunkenly smiled with his eyes closed. 

“Nah, I didn’t think so. I cannot deny I overdid it with drinks tonight though.” He laughed with a snort.

“I kind of want to tie you to my bed, seeing you like this,” Hyungwon whispered in the other guy’s ear while nibbling on his earlobe “Can I?”

“Pervert,” Hoseok puffed into Hyungwon's neck.

“Look who is talking.” were the last words before Hyungwon reached Hoseok’s lips. 

Nothing but loud, hot, harsh breaths were filling the room for a long time.

“Damn, that was good.” Hoseok breathed out with his closed eyes laying on his back.

Hyungwon was right next to him. He was watching Hoseok’s naked, ridiculously attractive body that was glistening with sweat but looked like some sort of sheen that only mystery creature would assumedly have in the dim light of his bedroom.

Hoseok’s hand was resting on the wrinkled sheets. He almost got the urge to slowly touch it, caress it, and intertwine Hoseok’s fingers with his own. 

He was shocked such a sleazy thought crossed his mind. 

He cursed and leaped to his feet.

“I am going to shower,” He said while searching for something to wear.

Hoseok watched Hyungwon. 

His tall, lean body and messy hair made him feel dizzy. 

He wasn’t sure it was alcohol. 

On second thought, it indeed was alcohol, the only thing he couldn’t stop thinking that he was this lucky to meet Hyungwon. 

He took a weird pride in it. 

Even though their relationship contained mainly sexual character. Hoseok loves sex. Hyungwon loves it. Both of them clicked immediately. 

It made him happy. 

People find it weird but both of them have high sex drive and curiosity towards different types of games in bed. 

Hoseok laughed to himself.

“If you do not go to the bathroom right now, we will have to go for another round.” 

Hoseok smiled at Hyungwon who blankly turned around to show his business-like smile. 

"It's not like I will say No," Hyungwon winked and disappeared in the bathroom.

Hyungwon took a long, hot shower thinking of nothing in particular. Blocking all the dark thoughts that were lurking in the deepest corners of his heart.

* * *

The next day.

“Introduce me.” A much shorter guy with a prominent nose and piercing eyes said, leaning against a bookshelf in the back of the library watching Hyungwon who was going through a book he picked a moment ago.

"Why?"

"He changed you. This is the first time I see you like this. It almost looks as if he urged something inside you. Made a flower within you bloom.” 

He laughed and cringed at the same moment.

Hyungwon looked at him with mild disgust. “Gross.”

"Yeah, I don’t know why I said it as well.” The other guy laughed again. “I haven’t changed my mind though, I want to meet him."

“Changkyun,” Hyungwon sighed “I don’t think it is a good idea. There is nothing between us, it’s pure sex.”

The younger guy raised an eyebrow. 

“Do you really believe what you’re saying? I would never believe you would go for a relationship that has no meaning.”

"Well, now you know."

“Liar, your heart determines the will, not your dick. You must really like him if you go as far as calling it a fling.” 

Changkyun was now laughing even harder.

Hyungwon sighed and closed his eyes for a second, rubbing the bridge of his nose. 

“He isn’t interested in a relationship. He never fails to remind me of that.”

"Ha! So you do know you like him. Don’t sweat. Just invite him for drinks or something, we will figure it out."

* * *

Two days later.

**Pet:**

Do you want to join me and my friend for drinks on Friday?

Is he hot?

**Pet:**

Yeah

Is he straight?

**Pet:** Bi, like us.

Are you hinting on a threesome?

Hyungwon stared at his phone, expression both surprised and disgusted.

**Pet:**

No, he is my friend. I don’t sleep with my friends, he wants to meet you. That’s it.

Why?

Hyungwon looked at his phone again, disbelief was written all over his face. “I knew it was a bad idea.”

**Pet:**

Forget about it.

I was joking. I’ll come, let me know the time and place later.

Hoseok threw his phone on the bed. “He is so fun to tease.”

* * *

Friday night.

"You really are hot, Hyungwon didn’t lie.” Hoseok extended his hand to shake Changkyun’s.

“Thanks?” He shook Hoseok’s, giving a puzzled look at Hyungwon. Hyungwon just shrugged.

* * *

The next day

“Hey.” Hyungwon heard through the sleep.

"Mmm?"

“Your phone has been ringing for a while now.”

Hyungwon could hear a sleepy and hoarse voice next to him. 

“Pick it up or turn it off.” Hoseok said while nuzzling into the pillow.

Hyungwon yawned and looked at his phone. 

Three missed calls from Changkyun. 

He sluggishly put his pants on and went to the balcony, fetching a cigarette and putting a coat on the way.

"What’s up?"

"He is weird. What do you like about him?"

Hyungwon snorted while looking at a milky horizon. “Really?”

"Does he really think of nothing but sex?"

"He has his charming points."

"Which are?"

“Do I really have to list them?” 

Hyungwon could hear noises on the other end. Changkyun was lighting a cigarette.

"Nah, I just imagined him to be different."

Hyungwon laughed but he heard a heavy sigh on a receiving end.

"I love you."

“I love you more,” Hyungwons laughter was much softer this time.

“I don't want you to get hurt,” Changkyun mumbled.

Hyungwon's heart started to dully ache. 

“I am hanging up,” as he turned his phone off slightly grimacing.

“Who is that you love?” Hyungwon heard behind him. 

He turned around only to see Hoseok in his dark boxers, hair a mess, expression a little dark.

“Why?” As he passed him by to the coffee machine.

Hoseok was left without an answer and his mood worsened. He wasn’t sure why.


	3. Stay calm

Several days later.

Hyungwon was sitting in the library, blankly looking outside.

It was raining for the past couple of days. 

The end of the term was approaching and while the rest of the students were getting more nervous, Hyungwon was getting more lethargic. 

He had troubles on his mind. 

He was perfectly aware of some, the other ones, on the other hand, were kept in the dark.

It seemed as if his heart and soul were not on the same page.

He didn’t contact Hoseok since that morning. He wasn’t contacted as well.

“Are you coming?” Changkyun tapped on the table which made Hyungwon look up at his friend who seemed to appear out of thin air.

“Not sure, I got to finish this.” As he looked at a handful of papers on the table “First.”

"Oh, come on. It can wait.” He chaotically collected all the papers and pushed them under his armpit. “Come on, we are going to be late.”

* * *

It was your casual house party. The only difference is that the kid who organized it was rich, filthy rich. 

Instead of cheap beer people drank whiskey and vodka.

He didn’t care if anything was broken, however, people who were invited had a list and had to be checked before entering and on the way out. 

Hyungwon thought it was peculiar but didn’t give too much thought to it. 

Whoever wanted to sneak in weed or speed would always find a hideaway.

Hoseok just entered but he already managed to see someone, no, rather something irritable. 

Hyungwon was standing in the corner of the living room with the guy he was introduced to less than two weeks ago. 

Hoseok could tell Hyungwon was tipsy. 

The way he held his body was more sluggish and he was way too touchy with the guy who was now making his blood boil. 

Hoseok never had anger issues but something clicked in his mind the last time he saw Hyungwon. 

He intentionally avoided him. 

He didn’t have sex since that day and now he saw his most compatible “sex friend” flirt. 

He hardly registered it was his best friend. 

The guy was a threat. 

He had an exasperated desire to pull them apart and drag Hyungwon upstairs to the first vacant room but he was above it. 

He could get anyone he wanted. 

He knew it.

After yet another whiskey coke both Hyungwon and Changkyun were slumped on a ridiculously expensive leather couch.

They were watching people as if it was a movie, gossiping like schoolgirls and enjoying themselves until Changkyun swallowed and Hyungwon noticed it.

“Babe, are you okay?” Hyungwon raised one eyebrow half-turning towards Changkyun.

The other guy just stared with his hardly opened mouth. 

Hyungwon made an effort to figure his trajectory of vision. 

The moment he noticed it he tried to get Hyungwon's attention back but it was already too late. 

He saw Hoseok in the hallway with a girl. 

She practically hung on his neck while he held her by the waist, laughing. The laugh Hyungwon adored so much. 

It wasn’t directed at him at the moment. 

He was picking someone up while Hyungwon was in the same building. 

Hyungwon thought he wanted to throw up before someone tugged him by the shirt.

He looked at Changkyun who was looking at him with so familiar glassy eyes. 

“Are you okay?” He mouthed but Hyungwon was not able to hear the words. 

He wasn’t sure if it was too loud or it is because as if everything slowed down, lost its sound and color for a second.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon could hear himself breath out. 

“I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back.” 

He stood up and took big and fast steps towards the bathroom on the second floor. 

He looked at the mirror. 

Cheeks flushed, eyes disoriented but he could feel the alcohol turn his blood cold. As a rule, it had an opposite reaction.

Hyungwon realized something – relentless one-way traffic to a rock bottom was finally there. 

He hit the rock bottom. 

There was no turning back. 

He quickly splashed his face and neck with cold water. 

As he stepped out he saw two figures walking in a so familiar way. 

He looked up only to see a pair of eyes that, what Hyungwon thought were scared.

Hyungwon looked at the girl – tall but petite, pretty face and dark eyes and hair. 

He thought they had something in common. 

He liked them pretty he thought. 

He felt sorry for her. 

He then noticed Hoseok pulling away from the girl. 

He looked back at him, eyes tipsy but composed, a mild irritation written on his face.

He turned on his heels and was about to leave but the other guy grabbed him by the arm.

"Hyungwon."

Hyungwon shook his arm off as he turned around and said “Have fun,” looking nowhere in particular.

“Who is it?” The girl softly spoke.

“Sorry,” Hoseok said while taking Hyungwon by the hand “I need to talk to him.” 

Hyungwon could see him softly smiling at the girl and pulling him aggressively to the nearest open room. 

It happened so fast he didn’t see how Hoseok was grinding him at a now locked door.


	4. Hurt souls

“What do you want?” 

Hyungwon pushed him away and motioned towards the cabinet where he could see a brown liquid that was so appealing to him right now.

He fetched a glass one shelf below and plopped on a leather chair. 

“Rich people are really something else.” He whispered while looking around the room that looked like a small library. 

Hoseok was mulling something inside his mind. 

Hyungwon could see him thinking. It was a funny trait he noticed about the guy.

“Hyungwon,” he finally managed. 

His voice was neither sad nor apologetic. 

Hyungwon snorted at his own thoughts. 

“Why would he be sorry? I am his fuck buddy. I am not even his friend.” 

The whiskey burned his throat as the thoughts were flooding his mind. 

He stuck his tongue out as he looked at the liquid inside his glass.

“Hyungwon,” he could hear the voice closer now. Hoseok was so close he could touch him.

“Don’t touch me,” Hyungwon looked at the other guy as he stood up and moved to the window.

“Why are you so jumpy?” Hoseok asked as he leaned on the table edge.

“Why am I here?” Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok and turned to look outside the window again. 

“I suppose your consciousness stopped you because you saw me. I will be honest, it doesn’t make me neither happy nor appreciated.”

“Why?” Hoseok tilted his head as he grabbed the edge of the table with both hands, tightening the grip.

“Why.” Hyungwon said. “Aren’t you ashamed, Hoseok?”

"Ashamed?” he gasped.

“Yeah, ashamed. How many people do you need to satisfy your needs?” 

He glanced at him again, Hoseok was bad at reading people but “melancholy” popped in his mind.

"You haven’t contacted me and I saw you earlier with Changkyun."

"So? And what does Changkyun has to do with it? I didn’t call you but it seems you were too busy to do so as well."

"Look, it’s nothing."

Hyungwon laughed out loud. 

“Nothing?” Hyungwon turned around and leaned against a windowsill.

“Nothing? You’re heartless.” He was looking straight at Hoseok.

Hyungwon's red face and tossed hair reminded Hoseok of how he usually looked after sex. 

He was someone who looked good before, during and after it. 

Hoseok was getting aroused. He blamed alcohol. 

He slowly approached Hyungwon and lifted his chin up, the other guy was looking away. 

Hoseok could feel his heart beat faster. 

He gulped, suppressed a feeling of premonition and leaned towards Hyungwon’s neck, slowly running his lips on his neck. 

“Come on, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want to lose you.” 

Hyungwon flinched. Hoseok moved his hands to his waist but Hyungwon's hands stopped him, he then slightly pushed him away.

“No,” he whispered.

“Come on, I already apologized.” 

Hoseok was getting slightly annoyed but then he looked up and the premonition feeling he got a second ago hit him with double force. His stomach started churning.

“I quit.” Hyungwon fixed Hoseok with glassy eyes. 

They were glassy not because the alcohol was running inside his veins. Actually, he looked sober more than anything now. They were glassy because there were tears. 

They were one blink away from falling down. Hoseok gulped.

"What?” He tried to sound as casual as possible.

"I said I quit. I cannot do this anymore."

"Are you angry because you saw me with a girl? I swear she was the first one. I don’t know what happened, maybe I overdid it with drinks. And..” 

Hoseok was blabbering until Hyungwon interrupted him.

“Hoseok,” he hasn’t blinked yet “I caught feelings for you. I like you.” He was still staring, Hoseok had to look away.

“Oh,” the only thing he could say.

He heard both soft and desperate “Do you like me?” But Hoseok was glued to the spot. 

He couldn’t move or say anything as if someone paralyzed him. 

He could hear a chuckle and his skin started to burn, he could hear his own heart. 

He wondered if Hyungwon was able to hear it as well. 

He looked at Hyungwon, he was silently watching him by the window, a smile on his face. 

The kind of smile that softened stiff muscles and soothed hurt feelings. 

However, Hoseok could feel his heart almost bursting out his chest. 

His brain was signaling to say, to do something but his body didn’t move. 

He just stood there, looked at Hyungwon. 

In the end, he could finally sigh and relax.

“Want to do it for the last time then?” 

He gasped at stupidity and insensitivity of his own words.

He was just trying to make an excuse for Hyungwon to stay longer. Even if it’s just for a bit. Maybe he would change his mind, he thought.

“I confess to you but all you care about is…” 

Hoseok saw Hyungwon stop, breathe in and out harshly and then he saw it again. 

Hyungwon was fixing him with the most melancholic stare he could imagine one can show. 

“Sorry, I am the one to lose my own game.”

Hoseok frowned, got irritated, a devil possessed him, he wasn’t sure what but the next thing he knew he was holding Hyungwon's hand while kissing him, harshly, forcefully. 

“Ouch,” he said a second later. 

He wiped the blood off his cut lip and looked up at Hyungwon. 

“Regret,” registered his brain.

“What? Is it so much fun making fun of me?” 

Hyungwon heaved a harsh sigh as he passed Hoseok by towards the door and then he was gone.

Hoseok looked behind him to be sure. 

He could hear people being loud downstairs. 

An unfinished glass of whiskey was everything that was left as a proof Hyungwon was here a moment ago.

"We were just fuck buddies. I knew it would come to an end one day. It's not like I cannot live without him," mumbled Hoseok.


	5. Paralyzed

Hoseok was awakened by an evil hangover.

It crippled over him through his sleep. 

He cracked his eyes open, a sharp ray of the sun was burning his gaze. 

He harshly sighed and looked around, he wasn’t in his bed. 

He then turned to look to his left - a girl from a previous night sleeping next to him. 

He cursed as he started to look for his clothes around the apartment. 

His gaze fell on one of the bigger pictures in the living room. It was his one night stand’s and her best friend he assumed. 

He leaned over to inspect the framed picture better.

His headache was giving him a hard time not only to concentrate but to breath so he was a bit taken aback when he realized the girl did remind him of Hyungwon. 

She was also taller than him as far as he remembered. 

She was pretty in every kind of sense but now that he looked at two females cheerfully smiling at him he couldn’t notice the resemblance between the two.

It weirded him out. 

He left without leaving his number.

* * *

Hyungwon was sitting in the back of the café, sipping on his third coffee. 

It’s been two weeks and Hyungwon was getting more impatient with Changkyun. 

He has been flocking over him as if he is a maiden.

It left a weird taste in Hyungwon’s mouth. 

He never thought that someone’s attention would make him uneasy. 

Under any other circumstances he would be grinning from ear to ear. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the case. 

He was looking outside the window when he saw Changkyun walking exasperated. 

“What’s wrong, cinnamon bun?” 

Hyungwon wondered as the younger guy sat at the table, drawing more attention than needed.

Changkyun glared at him for a second but his eyes immediately lost the will to kill. 

At least that’s what Hyungwon thought before.

“I saw your semi-ex just now,” he said frowning.

Hyungwon showed no reaction. 

“So?” Hyungwon asked, his left hand supporting his chin, his eyes calm.

“So? I wanted to strangle him, that’s what.” Changkyun heaved a heavy sigh.

Hyungwon straightened up.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think you want to keep in touch with him so I'd rather you avoided each other if you are after his throat.” Hyungwon said calmly.

Changkyun just stared. 

“You aren’t going to ask me where I met him or what we talked about?”

“No.”

It was an exhaustive answer.

* * *

Hoseok banged the door of his flat, stomping and falling down on his couch with a thud. 

Hoseok has never considered himself a calm person, however, he never thought he could be so hot-blooded. 

The mere sight of Changkyun made his blood boil. 

He hated him and his guts. 

The younger guy had no filter whatsoever. 

He unlocked his phone and sighed. 

He had an urge to see the last message he received from Hyungwon. It took his all will not to. 

He doesn’t care. He shouldn’t care.

* * *

The next time Hoseok sees Hyungwon is around the campus. 

He guessed he was heading somewhere to eat. His long, padded coat made him look like a penguin, almost made him look tiny from the afar. 

Hoseok chuckled and then almost choked on his own laughter when he realized he shouldn’t react this way. 

He wanted to ignore the later guy but before he could turn and walk away his legs were already heading towards Hyungwon. 

He could swear he felt nervous when he saw Hyungwon turn around as he was approaching near. 

He could see Hyungwon’s eyes go wide but going back to normal a moment later.

He turned around and waited for Hoseok to keep up.

“Hi,” Hoseok stopped in front of Hyungwon.

“Hey,” was all that Hyungwon muffled off himself.

“How are you?”

Hyungwon stared.

“Is there something you need, Hoseok?” Hyungwon tilted his head to the right.

“No? Nothing in particular?” Hoseok said confusingly.

Hyungwon said nothing but slightly nodded avoiding his gaze.

"Why are you acting so distant with me?"

"How do you want me to behave around you, Hoseok?” Hyungwon turned his gaze straight at Hoseok.

“I don’t know. Like you used to be?!” Hoseok suggested without breaking their eye contact.

Hyungwon looked at Hoseok for a long time before saying anything. 

He then turned to look at the passing by students. "I don't want to." 

Hoseok unknowingly pulled Hyungwon by the sleeve.

Hyungwon watched the motion and when Hoseok was about to say something he sadly smiled and reached up to touch Hoseok's face.

He gently put his finger to his lips, to keep him for speaking.

He then turned around and left.

Hoseok stood there, watched him disappear around the corner.

He thickly swallowed.


	6. Other people

The sky was cold and black. A crescent white moon was floating in the dim.

Hyungwon’s favorite season was winter. Nevertheless, he couldn’t get used to the dreary twilights, chill and early dark. 

The nights fall too quickly and evenings fill him with gloomy, unexplainable sadness.

“Am I depressed?” He thought as a warm burst of air hit him upon opening the door of a café he fancies.

“What can I get you?” A short guy with chestnut hair asked.

Hyungwon inspected him for a moment. He hasn’t seen him before.

“Double shot of coffee with two pumps of hazelnut syrup.” He ordered.

“Oh, and foamy milk.” Hyungwon added as he fished for his wallet.

The place was empty.

“Right-t-t, who drinks coffee at 11 PM” Hyungwon mumbled to himself as he was leaning against the counter.

“Here’s your coffee.” 

Hyungwon turned to take his order. There was a blurry, chocolate heart sitting on top of the foam.

He looked at it, back at the barista and back at the drink.

“Really?” Hyungwon arched an eyebrow at the other guy.

“Sorry, I have to practice my skills.” He brightly smiled.

“Did Leo quit?”

The other guy was taken aback. “Yeah, he quit.”

“I see.” Hyungwon stirred his coffee and put the lid on.

“Thanks, see you around.” 

He turned on his heel and exited the shop with little to zero sound.

A couple of minutes later Hoseok swang the door wide open. 

“Ki, are you done?”

“Give me five minutes.” The said guy yelled.

* * *

Hyungwon was back at his apartment. 

He was smoking in complete darkness and solitude of the balcony. The moon rose even higher. 

He was putting his cigarette out when his phone buzzed.

He checked the message and after another moment of silence, he typed an _“ok”_ and went to the bedroom to slip on a pair of nice black pants and a navy sweatshirt. 

He put his leather jacket on, switched off the light and headed for the door.

* * *

By the time Hyungwon arrived to yet another house party, the place was filled with random people. 

He brushed by a couple of familiar faces but Changkyun was nowhere to be seen. 

He decided to have a drink first. He was mixing himself one when he noticed a stranger turn up in the corner of his eye.

“Oh.” Hyungwon’s mouth fell open into a small round ‘o.’

“Hey.” The shorter guy smiled. “We meet again.”

“I suppose.” Hyungwon answered while adding brandy.

“What’s that?” The guy peeked inside his cup.

“Have no idea, a mix of everything you see on the table.” 

The barista took the cup and gave it a taste.

“A devilish drink. Just what the doctor ordered.” He grinned. “Will you teach me how to make it?”

“How many do you need? I’ll make you.”

“Two, thanks.”

Hyungwon took 2 plastic cups and mixed a little bit of everything he saw on the table which included cranberry juice, triple sec, malibu, brandy and more whiskey on top of it.

“Thanks.” The shorter guy smiled again. 

“By the way, my name’s Kihyun.” He extended his hand.

“Hyungwon, nice to meet you.” He shook his hand and gave him a warm smile.

“I’ll see you around, Kihyun. I need to find my friend.” He picked his cup and disappeared in a semi-dark room full of sweaty people.

He finally found Changkyun standing by himself in front of the glass door, his back to the room and he was smoking. Hyungwon went to stand by him.

“Give me that.” Changkyun took Hyungwon’s cup and finished it in one go.

“Slow down, champ.” Hyungwon turned to look at Changkyun. The other guy was drunk. No, there was more to it.

Hyungwon touched his cheek.

Changkyun turned to look and Hyungwon held his gaze. He furrowed. 

“What?”

Hyungwon shook his head slightly. 

“What’s wrong with you? Are you high?” Hyungwon leaned over to take a closer look.

They looked at each other and then Changkyun burst out laughing. 

“Just a tiny bi-i-it.” He slurred as he threw his head back.

Hyungwon heaved a sigh.

“Come.” He grabbed Changkyun by the wrist and dragged him upstairs into one of the vacant rooms.

“Here, sit down.” 

Changkyun sat on the edge of the bed.

“Did it hit you yet?” He squatted in front of Changkyun.

The younger guy smiled as he started to play with Hyungwon’s dark hair.

“I like it when it’s long.”

Hyungwon sighed.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll bring you water.”

“I am fine, I just need to wash my face.” 

Chankgyun stood up but his legs almost gave away. Hyungwon caught him on time.

“You are one troublesome kid.” Hyungwon snorted.

“Don’t call me that.” Changkyun looked up, irritated.

“Alright, alright. Let’s go and freshen you up.”

* * *

Hyungwon sat by the edge of the tub while Changkyun was running cold water down his neck.

There was a knock at the door.

“It’s occupied.” Hyungwon yelled.

Changkyun was now splashing cold water over his face.

Someone knocked at the door again and rattled the knob. 

Hyungwon stood up and went to open it. 

He was both annoyed and surprised to see Hoseok standing in front of the door.

“Hey,” Hyungwon’s hand found its way to the back of his neck. “We bump into each other rather often.” He mumbled.

“Hi.” He glanced at Changkyun who stepped out behind Hyungwon –hair tousled, cheeks flushed.

Hoseok stared at Hyungwon. He looked as if he had him figured out. 

“So that’s how it is.” Hoseok laughed, venom dripping from words.

“I think you got it all wrong.”

“Believe it or not I don’t care. Move.” 

At this Changkyun tugged Hyungwon at the wrist and leaned into a kiss.


	7. Fools

Changkyun pressed their lips together. It was a quick and chaste one. As he pulled back Hyungwon was smiling at him.

“What's got into you?” He almost started to laugh.

At this Hoseok grabbed the youngest guy by the collar of his shirt.

“What the fuck?” He gritted through his teeth.

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon gripped him by the wrist. “Leave him alone.”

“Are you fucking with me?” Hoseok took a moment to scrutinize Hyungwon’s face.

“Let me go.” The youngest tore himself loose.

“Ugh.” Hoseok grumbled as he chaotically ran a hand through his hair.

Hyungwon watched him for a short moment. He didn’t want to stay another second.

“Come.”As he wrapped a hand around Changkyun’s shoulder. “We should get going.”

Changkyun grinned as he watched an exasperated expression on Hoseok’s face.

“I want McDonald’s.” He mumbled as they started to retrieve.

“Sure.”

“And I want an ice cream from KFC.” He continued.

Hyungwon laughed out loud and Hoseok’s reflexes made him turn around.

“Chae.“ His voice was neither mean nor kind. It was more confused than anything.

Changkyun stopped in his tracks, turning his way first.

“Leave him alone.” His face was still flushed.

“I wasn’t talking to you.” His eyes squinted on the youngest.

“What do you want, Hoseok?” Hyungwon spoke softly as he turned to lock his eyes on the guy.

“I didn’t know you were this type of person.” Hoseok avoided the gaze.

“W-what?” The youngest protested but Hyungwon squeezed his shoulder.

“Are you trying to hurt me?” 

Hoseok immediately looked his way.

“Is this what you’re trying to achieve?” He raised his eyebrow slightly.

Hoseok slightly opened his mouth. No words came to his mind.

“Whatever.” He sighed in the end.

“Have fun with your buddy. Don’t cry if he leaves you as well.” And Hoseok was about to enter the bathroom but Hyungwon abruptly left Changkyun’s side as he stomped towards Hoseok.

He pushed him against the open door.

“What is it?” His eyes sparkled with flames.

“What the hell do you want from me?” He slightly pushed him again.

“Who are you to talk to me like this? Do I look like a person who doesn’t deserve at least a little respect?” He huffed.

“No-, I-“

“Shut up.”

“Hyungwon.” The youngest called him.

“Stop disappointing me. We are over. There is no room for your egoism.”

Hoseok thickly swallowed.

“Don’t make me regret my own feelings.”

“Why do I have to care about your feelings?” Hoseok started to get angry.

“Did you even mean it when you confessed? You switched to someone else immediately.” He smirked.

Hyungwon let him go. He couldn’t process the said words.

“Yeah.” He snorted.

“You might be right. I was an idiot.” He ran a hand over his face.

“I would never be able to love you as much as I do him.” As he pointed at Changkyun.

“Good thing I finally came to realize it.”

“Have a good life, Hoseok.” He smiled while Hoseok felt an electroshock running through his veins.

“W-wait.” He caught him by the ham of his shirt.

“Fuck off.” He aggressively tore himself loose.

Hoseok’s eyes found Changkyun’s. The other guy was fuming but his expression changed the moment he landed his eyes on Hyungwon who was approaching him.

“You really are the worst.” He glanced at Hoseok.

Both of them disappeared downstairs. Hoseok had an urge to break something.

“What are you doing?” Kihyun approached Hoseok who was blankly looking downstairs.

“Kihyun.” He mumbled.

“Yeah?”

“Let me punch you.”

“What?”

“No, better punch me.” He muttered.

“What?” The younger guy laughed. “What’s wrong with you?”

* * *

“Do you feel better?” Hyungwon turned to look at his friend who was swallowing the food.

“A little bit.” He sighed while taking a sip of his drink.

“Good.” The older guy hummed.

“Hyungwon.”

“Yeah?” He was looking outside the window.

“I am sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Changkyun-ah.”

“I didn’t mean to kiss you.” He started to play with his fries.

“You wanted to look at his reaction, didn’t you?” He turned to look straight at Changkyun.

“Y-yeah.” He swallowed.

“It’s okay, I understand.” He cupped his face with his left hand as he turned to look outside the window again.

“I didn’t think. I just wanted to know - , I thought -, I am really sorry.” His voice was small and apologetic.

“Changkyun.” He placed a hand on a younger's guy.

“It’s okay, really.” Hyungwon’s corners of the lips slightly arched up.


	8. The night we met

_A few months ago._

“You’re staring.”

“What?” Hoseok snapped back to reality, the beer bottle at his lips.

Angles, neon lights and obnoxiously loud music were brought back to life.

Hoseok ruffled his hair and turned to look at the busy bartender who was mixing a drink in front of him.

“Sorry.” He mumbled not expecting to be heard.

“Yours are nice as well.” The voice resonated inside his left ear.

“W-what?” Hoseok turned to look at the stranger once again.

The other guy was looking his way, his straw bent in half as he took a sip of what Hoseok thought was a gin and tonic.

“Lips.” The stranger ran his index finger across his own. “Haven’t you stared at them?” He chuckled.

“Y-yeah.” Hoseok gulped. “You’ve got sexy ones. I bet they can do miracles.” He smirked to one side of his face.

“Yours are quite nice as well. They can do some damage, don't they?” The other guy ran a hand through his hair.

Hoseok involuntarily swallowed.

“What is your name?” The other guy asked while signaling the bartender.

“Do you want another one?” He looked straight at Hoseok who just nodded.

“He’s got nice hands.” Hoseok thought to himself as the other guy was ordering another round of drinks.

“Hoseok.” He slightly turned the stranger’s way. “My name is Hoseok.”

“Hyungwon.” He warmly smiled while turning on his stool facing Hoseok, crossing his ankle over his knee.

“And oh god, he got some long-ass legs as well.” Hoseok’s eyes wondered to the guy’s lower half.

“You would make a horrible spy.” Hyungwon laughed while taking the last swing of his drink. 

“You stare way too obviously.” He put the glass on the table and tilted his head slightly to the left while meeting eyes with Hoseok. His fringe swiftly fell over his eyes.

“You’re hot. It’s hard to resist. I don’t usually check out people so thoroughly.” Hoseok beamed.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything to that. He reached for a newly arrived drink. 

After mixing it he bent the straw in half and while holding it with his middle finger he took a greedy gulp of it.

Hoseok smirked to the idea that he finished half of the drink in one go. He watched Hyungwon effortlessly leaning over to his ear. 

“Let’s go somewhere quiet, it’s too noisy.” He felt Hyungwon's lips against his hair and earlobe.

Hoseok gave away a catty smile.

“Meaning?” He wrapped a hand around the other guy’s waist.

“Your place or mine?” 

“Yours.” 

He felt Hyungwon huff into his neck before jumping off the stool and fishing for his wallet. After leaving money, including generous tips on the table he locked eyes with Hoseok and offered him a hand.

“Let’s go.” He broadly smiled and while grabbing his hand they started to make their way through a crowd of sweaty people.

* * *

Hyungwon was a good sport. Passionate, lively eyes and the way he traced his bony fingers over his entire body made Hoseok feel all sorts of ways.

Hoseok was laying next to a now sound asleep Hyungwon who blacked out as soon as the deed was done. 

It was quite amusing. As a rule, people demanded from Hoseok some sort of sweet talk before hitting the hay. Today he was the one who was left almost dissatisfied. 

He thought Hyungwon must be similar to him. 

A party, some drinks and a pretty stranger. This is the way he lived his life. 

He fell asleep while watching the shadow of a moon that was falling on an eerie empty wall.

* * *

Hyungwon woke up at 9 AM. He sleepily blinked at the ceiling. 

Then he felt a motionless body next to him. He turned to look at the guy who was deep asleep. 

He nudged him a couple of times but the other didn’t move.

He laid for another minute or two trying to collect his thoughts. He then soundlessly swung his legs out of bed and padded straight towards the shower.

* * *

Hyungwon was standing in his underwear contemplating what to wear in front of his wardrobe when he heard indistinctive grumbling.

“Morning.” His voice was sleepy and soft.

“Morning.” Hoseok’s rumbling bass of his voice echoed in the room.

“What time is it?” He turned to his side to watch the other guy fumbling through his clothes.

“Half-past nine. Do you have classes in the morning?” He asked without turning his way.

“How do you know I am a student?” Hoseok leaned on his right elbow.

“Aren’t you?” Hyungwon finally faced him, sleepiness was still visible on his face.

Hoseok smiled. The guy was as handsome as the night before. 

“Yeah. I don’t have classes until later in the day though.” He motioned with his index finger.

“Come, give me a kiss. It’s a crime to make me all hot and bothered with that messy wet hair of yours and long legs.” He chuckled.

Hyungwon’s mouth slightly fell apart. He blinked a couple of times before brightly smiling.

“You’re more affectionate than I imagined you to be. Are you always like that with your one night stands?” He asked while slipping on a pair of pants he was holding in his hands.

“Nah.” His reply was immediate. “However I do like you.” He laid on his back while putting his arms behind his head. 

Hyungwon zipped the flier and fell across the bed with a thud. 

He gently ran his fingers over Hoseok’s toned muscled chest before tracing one of his collarbones. 

Hoseok watched the motion of his fingers. He didn’t notice how he forgot to properly breathe.

“I kinda like you as well.” Hyungwon locked his eyes on Hoseok. 

Hoseok shortened the distance between them. The kiss was long, deliberate and minty.

“Do you…?” Hoseok was running his tongue down Hyungwon’s neck.

“Sorry.” Hyungwon chuckled while getting off the bed and moving towards the wardrobe once again. 

“I need to leave soon.” He mindlessly went through a couple of clothes racks. 

Hoseok frowned for the shortest period of time. There was something different. Something was wrong. It was unusual of him to initiate anything the morning after.

„Hoseok.“ Hyungwon turned around while putting on a black sweatshirt. 

„Yeah?“ He looked up at the other guy who was adjusting his sleeves.

“It’s up to you. You can leave your number if you feel like it but you don’t have to. I don’t do relationships but I wouldn’t mind hanging out with you from time to time.” He smiled. “You aren’t very different from me, are you?” 

Hoseok felt his heart hammering inside his rib cage. He thought it was an aftermath of increased blood flow towards his dick.

_He thought that was the reason behind it._

_Later, much later he would learn his heart was pounding because it was the moment he started to fall in love._

"Hm" Hoseok said, lingering on 'm' forever. "Should I?" He smiled like a Cheshire cat.


	9. The first week we met

_Tuesday_

**Hyungwon:**

Do you want to come over in the evening?

Sure.

_Two days later._

Yo.

**Hyungwon:**

I will be home around 10PM. You can come any time after that. 

“Hey.”

Both of them were lying in bed. The room was silver and alien with the moonlight. It was slightly chilly because the window was open. 

“Yeah?” Hyungwon wondered while scrolling through his feed.

“You aren’t very talkative, are you?” Hoseok put his hands behind his head, aimlessly looking at the ceiling.

“Well, you can say so.” 

“Aren’t you curious?”

“About?”

“Well, take me for instance.” Hoseok snorted.

Hyungwon hummed and let the quiet of the room settle in.

“Why? Is it because you want me to be interested in you or it’s because you’re interested in me?” 

Somehow Hoseok knew the other guy was smiling.

“Both? Isn’t it weird that we hardly talk?”

Hyungwon locked his phone and put it aside to his night table. He then turned to his left to look at the other guy’s profile. 

Hoseok kept on blankly looking at the ceiling.

“Maybe with time but it doesn’t bother me at the moment if I am being honest.” He reached out to brush some strands of hair away from Hoseok’s face.

“You’re pretty cold. I am surprised.” The older guy said thoughtfully.

“Why?”

“Why?” Hoseok turned to look at the dark silhouette next to him. “What kind of question is it?”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon agreed. “Are you dreaming of dramatic, romantic love? Just like in movies?”

“Huh?” Hoseok’s chest filled with surprise. “Of course not. I've known you for six days.”

“Then I am afraid I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Do you always want to know someone’s biography and pet peeves if it doesn’t involve emotional connection?”

Hoseok heaved a heavy sigh.

“How did you know I was into people like you anyway?” He stretched his left hand up in the air. Hyungwon’s eyes flicked towards the motion right away.

"By people like _me_ you mean guys?" Hyungwon's voice was amused.

“Because the way you stared was way too obvious and…” He stopped for a second. "Moreover I've seen you on campus a couple of times. Each and every time you were shoving your tongue down a different person's throat. Both genders but I don't know why I should explain it." Hyungwon calmly said.

“Really?” Hoseok clenched it into a fist.

“I don’t remember seeing you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t bring you home if I thought your intentions could be serious.” Hyungwon shrugged while stretching out and laying on his back.

“So, in other words, you were interested in me because I am a whore.” Hoseok said hesitantly.

“A hot one but yeah.”

“Wow.” Hoseok whistled. 

“I don’t usually come across people like you. You aren’t a psychopath without an ounce of compassion and sympathy or something like that are you?” He joked.

“Nah.” Hyungwon shook his head while running a hand through his hair. “I just don’t like complications. I don’t think there will be an issue if it’s you.”

“Are you seeing someone else?” 

“Nope.”

“Are you planning to?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I am trying to identify our relationship.”

“It’s a lack of it but lots of sex.” Hyungwon chummily laughed. “How does it sound?”

“It sounds great.” Hoseok snorted.

“Deal. I don’t like to share things but you’re free to do whatever. Let me know if you find someone you would like to go steady with and we can end it right there and then.” Hyungwon nodded to himself.

Hoseok swallowed. “You’re weird.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Oh well, I don’t care about relationships either. You’re good in bed. I suppose we can work it out.”

Hyungwon cleared his throat. 

"But still..."

"Yeah?"

"Why do live this way? You look like someone who would be in a steady relationship."

Hyungwon laughed out loud.

"I look like someone who would be in a steady relationship." He repeated.

"You're quite judgemental, aren't you? I suppose I can ask you the same question. Why is it that you cannot stick to only one person?"

"Well..." Hoseok stammered.

"Boredom." Hyungwon didn't wait for the reply. "...maybe loneliness." He said dreamily.

"Pick whatever suits you better. What do people do in order to kill these feelings? I like sex. You were there and I went with the flow just for the fun of it, you know? Both of us are here to indulge in pleasure. I don't need anything else from you."

Hoseok laughed. "You're both cold and cruel."

"Are you disappointed?"

"Nope. Somehow I like you even more."

"Why did you leave your number?" Hyungwon asked out of the blue.

Hoseok stayed silent for a moment.

"My intuition kept on whispering that I should try you out."

"I am not your toy." Hyungwon tiredly smiled. 

"My intentions are less vile then yours." Hoseok laughed while moving towards Hyungwon.

"Let's go to eat next time. I am okay with being fuck buddies but I would like to know you better as well." He smiled before leaning in and kissing Hyungwon sensually.

_The end of the flashback._


	10. Another night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been contemplating for a couple of days whether I should post it or just delete it because it's bland...in the end I decided to. As I mentioned before...it's an eventual integration of all of the members so yeah...
> 
> Of course, it is Hyungwonho centered but some chapters might be going astray. 
> 
> To be honest I have no slightest idea why I wrote it....sorry if it was a disappointment.

“How about going out?” Changkyun said while taking a sip of his drink.

Hyungwon glanced at him with a knowing look.

“Nah, thanks I am good.” He said while taking a swing and leaning against the couch a moment later.

“Come on.” Changkyun whined urgently. “Why not?”

“Leave him alone.” The third guy said. “You know well enough he is not in the mood.”

Changkyun eyed the other guy thoroughly and silently huffed. 

“Boring.” He said in the end.

Hyungwon chuckled.

“What? Are we too old for you?” He reached for the youngest out of three of them and petted the head gently.

“Ya!” Changkyun said as he slapped the hand away. “Stop treating me as if I am a damn kid.” He sulked.

Hyungwon watched the younger's expression for a little while.

“Are you upset?” He asked while his hand was still in the air. 

“A little bit.” He scoffed on the couch.

“Sorry.” Hyungwon said while pulling his hand away, putting it on his left lap. 

“It’s fine if you understand.” Changkyun grabbed Hyungwon’s hand and put it on his head. “Just don’t forget about it.”

Hyungwon warmly smiled while petting the youngest head, going thought the guy’s reddish hair.

There was a snort.

“W-what?” Hyungwon turned around to his right, facing the guy who was sipping on his drink on the couch right next to him.

“You’re funny, Hyungwon-ah.” The guy said. 

“Huh?” The tallest of them all wondered.

“No, nothing.” The guy looked inside his drink. 

“Are you making fun of me?” Hyungwon reached for the other guy’s hair, ruffling it nonchalantly. 

“YA!” The guy screamed. 

“Minhyuk Hyung is always so loud.” Changkyun said while leaning into the hand that Hyungwon still kept on him. 

“You’re so annoying.” Minhyuk said while pulling the hand away from his hair.

“You don’t tell me.” Hyungwon said putting his right hand on his lap, continuing to go through Changkyun’s hair with his left hand.

“Both of you should start dating already.” Minhyuk said matter of factly. 

“Gross.” Hyungwon said.

“Ditto to that.” Changkyun agreed. “Is it a gay thing?”

“What?” Minhyuk wondered.

“Dunno. Just because we are friends doesn’t mean I want anything more.” Changkyun said while taking Hyungwon’s hand in his and giving it a kiss on his back of the hand.

“Gross.” Minhyuk said while taking another swing of his drink.

“Really?” Hyungwon said while taking Changkyun’s hand in his and giving it another peck to the back of his hand.

“You are flirting all the time.” Minhyuk snorted.

“We are.” Hyungwon agreed. 

“Gay.” Minhyuk commented.

“For Hyungwon-ah.” Changkyun leaned on the tallest guy.

Hyungwon snorted but didn’t say anything.

“Isn’t it gay?” Minhyuk eyed both of the guys.

“Both of us know what friendship is, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon took another sip of his drink.

“Yeah-h, s-sure.” The response came. 

“Don’t you like me as a person?” Hyungwon nudged Minhyuk right into his shoulder. A hardly visible smile was playing on his lips.

“It’s different.” He mumbled.

“You make no sense, Minnyuga.” 

“LOL.” The oldest said out loud. “If I don’t make sense so do you. You’re turning into fungus. Stop moping around about that dude.” He snorted.

Hyungwon's face darkened. “I am not.” He stood up and motioned towards the bathroom.

“You know he is weird when it comes to affection. You could let him off the hook this time.” Changkyun rolled his eyes.

“Why should I?” Minhyuk grunted. “What was his name once again?”

“Hoseok, a miraculous idiot.” Changkyun mumbled.

“Hoseok.” Minhyuk muttered into his drink. “I had known one years ago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk is the only gay person in this story. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> He can say 'gay' as much as he wants to.


	11. Knock

“Why are you following me?” Hyungwon mumbled inside the collar of his coat.

“I am bored.” Minhyuk ambled behind him. “Changkyun is atrocious when he is upset.” 

Hyungwon snorted while putting his hands inside his pockets. “Suits you well.”

“Ya!” Minhyuk exclaimed.

“What do you want with me?” The taller guy asked.

“Come on, don’t be a grumpy cat. You have an X-box, we can play a couple of rounds.”

"So do you." The other guy laughed.

"I don't want to play alone." Minhyuk rambled.

“I need to study.” 

“You’re buzzed, who do you take me for?” The older guy protested.

“That’s why I am getting a coffee first.” Hyungwon shivered.

“As if it helps you.” Minhyuk mumbled. “It’s too late. I am staying at your place anyway.” He continued to trail the younger guy one step behind.

* * *

“What are you doing here?” Kihyun asked. “Again.” He reminded after a short pause.

“Shut up.” Hoseok mumbled.

Kihyun rolled his eyes back into his head while leaning against the counter while polishing the glass.

“Maybe I should punch you to bring you back to your senses.” The barista smirked. “I haven't taken advantage of it yet.” 

“Shut up-p.” The other guy groaned as he took a sip of his coffee.

* * *

The door was swung open with a clinging sound. 

“Welcome.” Kihyun turned to look at the entrance door.

“Oh hi.” Hyungwon said while walking in. 

He took big and swift steps inside the warm cafe.

“Wait for me.” There was a whine behind Hyungwon.

“What in the actual…” Hoseok wondered as he disentangled his legs, turned his body towards the way where the counter was. Hyungwon was already standing behind it.

Hyungwon sniffled, face displeased. He turned to look at the barista but there was another gasp.

“Are you…?” Hyungwon looked at the Hoseok who was looking at the guy behind him, Minhyuk.

“You?” 

“What would you like?” Kihyun smiled while giving a side look to Hoseok.

“I will have the usual.” Hyungwon said uncomfortably. “The blurry heart is still included?” He as uncomfortably smiled.

“Yeah.” Kihyun laughed out loud. “I still suck at those.”

“Then make it double blurry and without hazelnut syrup this time.” He chummily smiled while turning to look at Minhyuk. “What would you like?”

“Ah...same.” He was looking right at Hoseok who was staring right back at him.

Hyungwon readjusted his coat.

“Do you know each other?” Kihyun said while trailing his eyes at Hoseok who was sitting dumbfoundedly by the corner table.

“Ah.” Hyungwon said uncomfortably.

“Hoseok?” Kihyun called him while taking Hyungwon's money. 

“So you are Hoseok.” Minhyuk scoffed while putting his hands in the pockets.

“Min?” Hyungwon turned around. 

“I’ll wait for you outside.” He said while walking outside the shop briskly.

Kihyun raised an eyebrow.

“Hoseok, what the fuck have you done…AGAIN?” Barista sighed.

Hyungwon’s eyes trailed towards the guy who was already walking away.

Both Kihyun and Hyungwon were left in the total silence of the room after the ringing bell.

Kihyun ran a hand over his face while grabbing the counter with his other hand.

“Don’t tell me this fucking idiot did your friend wrong.” He said with a small voice.

“I have no idea.” Hyungwon turned around to look outside. “I had no idea they know each other.”


	12. History

Minhyuk stepped out of the cafe, breathing in full lungs of air, breathing out a moment later.

He stood by the porch of the lightened cafe, a scent of coffee still visible in the air.

“Hey.” Hoseok stepped out of the place.

There was no reply. Hoseok took another step to get closer to Minhyuk.

“I remember you.” Minhyuk said, white air surrounding him.

Hoseok shifted slightly. “Me too. How could I forget you?” He wondered while looking at the Mihyuk’s profile.

_Years ago._

“I like you.” Mihhyuk said while pushing a chocolate bar inside Hoseok’s hands.

“W-what?” He watched him with a mesmerizing gaze.

“I said I like you.” Minhyuk put his hands inside his pants. “I would like to date you.” He continued while rocking back and force looking straight at Hoseok.

“I-, I-,I-, I like you as well.” Hoseok mumbled while tracing his hands towards the younger’s waist. 

“Y-yeah.” Hoseok admitted to himself. “I like you.” As he kissed him right into the lips.

_The end of flashback._

* * *

“Minhyuk?”

“Yeah?” the taller guy turned around, a swift motion made Hoseok blinded.

“I haven’t seen you in years.” Hoseok said while lowering his gaze towards his shoes.

“Pfft.” Came out of Minhyuk. 

“How are you doing?” Hoseok said in a small voice.

“HAHAHAHAHAH.” Came right away.

“So you’re wondering how I am doing.” Minhyuk said matter of factly.

“Well yeah.” Hoseok put his hands inside his black pants.

“Why?” Minhyuk shortened the distance.

Hoseok gazed at Minhyuk as much as the other guy did.

“Why.” Hoseok said in the end while breaking the eye contact, looking to his left.

Minhyuk laughed with a short snort.

“I am doing great.” He said in a pitched voice.

“I was surprised to see you tho.” He continued.

“Oh.” Hoseok mumbled still looking at his black shoes.

“Why?” Minhyuk peeked at the other guy, curiosity was written all over his face. 

Hoseok stared at the other guy blankly.

“Well.” He said.

“I don’t want to know.” Minhyuk abruptly looked away. “You ended up being my worst experience.” He scoffed nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.

“So…” Hoseok stopped. “Do you still hate me?” He looked up expectantly.

“Huh?” Minhyuk moved his lips into a weird shape.

“It’s been fucking years.” Minhyuk proclaimed. “Sorry, but I do not give a flying fuck whether you liked me, bullied me or hated me back in high school.” He said while pulling his nose up in the air. 

“Ah.” Hoseok shifted uncomfortably. “I’ve never hated you.” He said quietly.

“Cut the bullshit.” Minhyuk’s voice resonated.

“Your buddies made sure my life was miserable.” Minhyuk held his gaze. “Not that I cared.” He turned away, white breath following him.

“Minhy…” Hoseok grabbed the other guy by the wrist.

“Don’t.” Minhyuk tore himself loose. “ We aren’t in high school anymore. Leave me alone.” He said while stepping inside the café.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're staying safe, peeps.
> 
> Don't judge me too much. I wrote it while intoxicated... (⊙_⊙;)
> 
> P.S. Do you see what I did right there? 😈


	13. Papercut

Hyungwon was idly tapping on the edge of the counter while Kihyun was slowly fiddling with a coffee machine. 

The barista sniffled, started to say something, caught himself, took a fresh run-up, in the end, abandoned the idea.

“Is it done, Won?” Minhyuk quickly strolled into the café.

“Hm?” He snapped back to reality. 

“It smells good.” Minhyuk chirped while leaning over the counter. “Can I have that chocolate chip cookie as well?” He fished for his wallet.

“S-sure.” Kihyun cleaned his hands on the apron while opening the mini-fridge. 

Minhyuk noticed how Hyungwon flinched the moment the door’s bell made a hardly audible ‘ding’.

Hyungwon’s tapping became more erratic.

“You.” Hoseok tapped on Hyungwon’s shoulder. 

The taller guy robotically turned around while Minhyuk was gaping like a fish. A mix of surprise, anger, and distrust were most prominently seen on his face.

Hyungwon tried to fix him with an unblinking stare as cool and dispassionate as he could master but Hoseok saw something else. Something he couldn’t put a name to.

“Tell me you didn’t do it on purpose.” Hoseok cringed at the said words.

“Did what?” The taller raised his eyebrows.

Hyungwon wanted to repeat the question but as soon as Hoseok’s eyes flickered towards Minhyuk for the shortest moment something clicked within his mind.

He didn’t know what to say. Minhyuk outran him anyway.

“How do you know this douche, Won?” He elbowed the counter while Kihyun was about ready to combust.

“Okay, what the fuck is going wrong?” The barista puffed the air out his cheeks, his fringe blew up in the air.

“Are you buddies?” Minhyuk showed a peace sign horizontally first facing the barista and then Hoseok who was hiding behind Hyungwon.

“Yeah.” Kihyun said confusingly. 

Minhyuk snorted.

“And you?” Kihyun held Hyungwon’s gaze. The other stayed silent. He only slowly blinked from time to time.

“My one and only love.” Minhyuk grinned while hugging Hyungwon’s left arm.

“Min.” Hoseok could hear Hyungwon mutter.

Hoseok had to laugh.

“The shortie didn’t last, huh?” Hoseok ran a hand through his hair chaotically.

“Shut up.” Hyungwon was looking at him. 

What was it? Hurt? Anger or despise? Hoseok couldn’t decipher.

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk said concerned.

“Hoseok.” Kihyun took a deep breath.

“Explain.” 

“No-, I-, it’s well…” Hoseok looked up at Hyungwon.

“No one.” Hyungwon breathed out. “I am no one.” He rolled his eyes and started to walk away.

“Won?” Minhyuk watched him swing the door wide open and disappear behind it.

“You mother…” Minhyuk gritted his teeth. “Who the hell are you?”

“Huh?” Hoseok’s eyes fixed on the door.

“When I am talking to you, you are looking at me.” Minhyuk grabbed the other guy by the collar of his jacket.

“Get off of me.” He tore himself loose. “You might be special but not that special for you to treat me like a pup you toss around when it suits you."

Minhyuk scoffed. “ _Special._ What a word coming from you.”

“How do you know Hyungwon, you nature’s mistake?” 

Kihyun put two coffees and a cookie beside it with a bang.

“Kihyun, it’s him.” Hoseok looked at the barista while making a fast gesture towards the door. He also watched his eyes widen into round plates.

“That one?” Kihyun pointed at the door. “...the one you were seeing?” Disbelief was written all over his face.

Minhyuk groaned. “I should have known. Too much of a coincidence.” Minhyuk mumbled to no one in particular.

“Stay away from him.” Minhyuk put the money for the cookie on the counter.

“No.” Resonated across the café.

“If I got all of the puzzle pieces together you rejected him, right?” Minhyuk made a face.

“You haven’t changed at all.” He shoved a cookie inside his right pocket. 

“It’s fine. Keep on denying all the good that comes into your life but I have changed a lot. Do you think Hyungwon-ah would want to see you after I tell him our little story?” Minhyuk chuckled in a grim way.

“Are you blackmailing me?”

“Blackmailing? You? One should have dirty laundry on someone first. I will just tell the truth.” Minhyuk shrugged.

“Hey.” Kihyun said from behind.

“Sorry sorry.” Minhyuk put his hands up in the air. 

“Hyungwon likes this place, I don’t want to be rude to the staff. It’s a bit of a challenge knowing you’re friends with him.”

“Minhyuk.” Hoseok rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

“I hope to never see you again, Lee Hoseok.” Minhyuk grabbed the coffees and briskly walked away.

“I think I need to talk to Hyungwon.” Hoseok mumbled while watching the door.

“No, you need to explain everything to me first. And who the hell was this guy?” Kihyun pointed at the space where Minhyuk was standing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of blabbering. 
> 
> Don't know about you but I was itchy for some romance...or was it breaking the plates mode? 
> 
> Anyway...I will try to assemble it so SOMETHING happens asap.


	14. Still fighting it

“Do you know what I hate the most about you?” Kihyun said while polishing the coffee machine.

“Please.” Hoseok muttered while pulling his head back, both of his elbows on the counter.

“Not today.”

“Nope, today is a great day to talk about it.”

Hoseok cleared his throat.

“You’re obnoxious and a horrible liar on top of it.”

“Huh?”

“You like him.”

“No, I don’t.”

“No, I mean I do but not in that way.” Hoseok straightened up, desperately rubbing behind the ear.

“I don’t do relationships. I am not made for them. Love is annoying.”

“Blah blah blah. You’ve been seeing that guy for months, you were content. What the heck happened?” Kihyun scrunched his nose.

“He confessed. He said he likes me. That’s what happened.”

“Maybe not anymore.” Kihyun laughed.

“Stop it.” Hoseok muttered.

“Why? Why do you even care, Hoseok? Don’t you see how ridiculous you look? What did you want to talk about with him?” 

Kihyun stepped out behind the counter while taking his apron off.

“Tell me. What did you want to tell him?” He stood in front of him, eyes clear.

“I don’t know.” Hoseok looked away.

“You don’t know.” Kihyun repeated while putting his hands on his hips.

“I am tired and frustrated. I just need to get laid.” 

Hoseok abandoned the idea of explaining. No, excusing himself.

“I actually met him a couple of times before.”

“Huh?” Hoseok turned to look back straight at the barista.

The other nodded.

“He is a regular here. He usually comes around the closing time and then there was one time at the party.” Kihyun rubbed his nose.

“I suppose you got in a fight back than.” Kihyun moved away and started to flip the chairs upside down.

“I am your friend, I will take your side. It’s just…” There was a pause.

“Don’t be a complete asshole. Let the guy go if you don’t want him. If he said he likes you, you don’t go around saying otherwise, do you Hoseok?”

“But Minhyuk said.”

“That guy lied. It was pretty obvious it was a harmless joke. I am surprised at how dense you can be.”

“Let me give you a piece of advice.” 

Hoseok’s eyes trailed after the moving upside-down chairs. 

“Leave him alone.”

“I don’t need him but something keeps on gravitating me towards him. I want him. That’s where it ends.” Hoseok crossed his arms on the chest.

“You will regret it. The moment he stops caring about you completely is going to be your downfall.” Kihyun turned to look at Hoseok.

“I am trying to save you from misery here. You either like him back or you leave him alone.” Kihyun smiled.

"He looks like a nice guy though. He has a nice aura.”

“What? Aura?” Hoseok scoffed.

“Well he is handsome as well but you already know it.”

“He is hot and we have crazy compatibility. That’s why I want him.” 

Kihyun almost swore the other guy was pouting.

“Do you only see him as a sexual object?” Kihyun’s mouth fell open.

“Of course not.” Hoseok protested. “He is also fun and he is pretty nice but that’s secondary.”

“Hoseok, you are either nuts or you should look up the definition of what _liking someone means_.”

“Stop it, Ki. Isn’t it obvious I like him? But I don’t like him enough to date him. I don’t want any of that.”

“You will stay forever alone then.” Kihyun continued to work on the chairs.

“Go home. I will finish here first.”

“I’ll wait.”

“No.” Kihyun said louder. “Just go.”

Hoseok listened to the clacking sounds for a moment.

“Ah.” Hoseok went to pick his backpack.

“Sorry for being such a disappointment.” He softly said while heading towards the door.

“Good that you understand. Try to calm down and think over your actions. You failed both of them, Hoseok. Call me tomorrow.” Kihyun said without looking the older's way.

“Sure.” Hoseok stole a glimpse at Kihyun before disappearing behind the door.

_He didn’t._


	15. Am I losing my mind?

**Hoseok**

[2:16 a.m.]

Hey

**Hoseok**

[2:17 a.m.]

Hi

**Hoseok**

[2:17 a.m.]

Hello

**Hoseok**

[2:18 a.m.]

HEY!

**Hoseok**

[2:18 a.m.]

Chae

**Hoseok**

[2:18 a.m.]

Hyungwonn, are you sleeeping?

_[Incoming call.]_

"Annyenghaseyo." Hyungwon sleepily mumbled.

“You haven’t blocked me yet.” The voice on the receiving end softly laughed.

_[The end of the call.]_

_[Incoming call.]_

“Hoseok, I swear if you call me one more time." His voice was eerie, hoarse.

“Iamoutside.” Hoseok quickly said.

Hyungwon hung up again. 

Hoseok stared at his screen for a moment.

“Well…” He struggled to stand up but it was no use. “I tried.” He ran a hand through his hair chaotically. 

“Heavy-ho.” He was finally able to stand up. 

He bent over to grab his backpack that was lying in front of the door when there was a soft cling of the lock. 

The door was slowly opened. Hyungwon was standing barefoot, rubbing his left eye.

“What are you doing here?” He yawned. “Go home.” He said while starting to close the door but Hoseok put a foot in between before the other could do so.

Hoseok slipped inside. As he was taking his shoes off he locked the door and threw his coat over the hanger.

“What?” Hyungwon closed and reopened his eyes.

“Get out, Hoseok. You know I malfunction when I am sleepy. Just keep whatever you wanted to say to yourself. I don’t care.” 

He turned around and started to pad down the hall.

Hoseok without a second to doubt caught up with the other guy.

He grabbed him by the left wrist and landed a couple of kisses on his left side of the neck.

“What the…?” Hyungwon turned around while putting a hand on his neck.

“Are you drunk?” He tried hard to think.

“A little.” Hoseok smiled while closing the distance between them.

“You really are crazy.” Hyungwon stared at the older guy.

“Shut up.” Hoseok grabbed Hyungwon by the neck and made him tilt forward but Hyungwon looked away.

“I don’t want you.” Hyungwon sighed.

“I don’t want you like this.” He ran a hand through his hair in distress. 

“Go home or go to the nearest bar to pick someone up. I don’t care. Just go.” 

Hyungwon entered the bedroom and closed the door behind him without sparing him a single look.

Hoseok was blankly left standing in front of it.

He stood there motionless for a moment. Then another one. 

In the end, he harshly inhaled and exhaled as if he forgot to breathe the entire time. 

He sluggishly walked towards the living room. His eyes landed on an unfinished glass of what Hoseok thought was whiskey. 

Next, his eyes trailed towards the kitchen. The bottle was staring at him from the kitchen counter.

He smiled to himself while grabbing another clean glass and the bottle. 

After finding a pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket he went to sit on the balcony, borrowing the blanket that was sitting on another empty chair.

Hoseok settled in the chair and started to slightly rock back and forth. 

He eventually started to hum to himself between a sip of his drink and a drag of a nth cigarette. 

He looked up and saw Orion and other stars he couldn’t put a name to. 

He started to run over the images his mind kept on pushing forward but he felt content. At peace. It’s been a while he felt like this.

* * *

After 40 or so minutes he tottered inside the flat and straight towards the bathroom. 

He opened the drawer where he used to keep his toothbrush. 

To his unfortunate surprise, it wasn’t there anymore so he grabbed another disposable one. 

After taking a quick shower and grabbing one of Hyungwon’s towels and pair of Adidas black training pants that were too long but still fitted perfectly which he found in the hallway drawer he threw himself dramatically over the couch. 

After turning the TV on and switching between the channels absent-mindedly he turned it off again and tried to fall asleep.

He listened to the darkness of the room.

He listened to the clock that was slowly but steadily ticking somewhere to his left.

He couldn't take it anymore.

He crawled out of the couch and without making a single sound entered Hyungwon’s bedroom. 

The other guy was sound asleep. Hoseok climbed inside the bed, gave Hyungwon a shove.

“Move, Hyungwon-ah.” He mumbled while trying to fit on the bed.

The younger guy grunted something in response but didn’t seem to be awoken.

“Hey, are you sure you don’t want to?” 

Hoseok put his hand underneath Hyungwon’s T-shirt.

He swiftly ran his hands up his torso while giving wet kisses to his neck, stopping his palm where his heart is. 

Hyungwon's heart was beating slowly and his body temperature that was as a rule lower than Hoseok's almost gave him shivers.

“Well, whatever.” Hoseok took his hand away while turning to the other side and as quickly falling asleep while smiling to himself.


	16. Lost in the moment

Hyungwon woke up to the breathing that wasn’t his own and a smell that didn’t belong to him. 

He burrowed himself into the warm, soft sheets. 

He then tried to rub the sleep away while looking outside the window. 

The sky was the lightest shade of blue. It was going to be a great day.

He slowly gazed at the body lying next to him.

Hoseok was facing him but most of his face was buried into the pillow. 

Without too much thought he extended his hand but caught himself the moment he was about to touch Hoseok’s strand hair.

He harshly sighed while rolling on the back and covering his eyes with his left forearm.

Hyungwon’s breathing became shaky and mind clouded. Yet. Yet, his heart was ready to jump out of his chest. 

The main reason for this laid less than an arm’s length away from him and was breathing calmly and evenly. 

“This is unfair” He mumbled to himself.

“What is?” A hoarse voice asked.

“You are.” Hyungwon turned to look at Hoseok. The other guy still had his eyes closed.

“Uhum.” The older hummed and after good 20 seconds during which Hyungwon openly stared at Hoseok, he finally opened his eyes. 

He ran his hand over his face before landing his eyes on the guy next to him.

“Hyungwon?” Hoseok asked.

The younger guy was looking at him knowingly, meaningfully. Hoseok was too sleepy to grasp the seriousness of it.

“Hyungwon?” He asked once again as the realization hit him as he started to back off the bed until he fell on the floor.

“What the heck?” Hoseok pointed at Hyungwon who sat up to observe the scene better.

“What are you doing in…” Hoseok looked around the room “…in your bedroom.” Hoseok swallowed. 

Hyungwon studied the older’s face for another 7 seconds who was confusingly blinking in the meantime.

In the end, he sighed as he ran a hand through his mischievous hair. 

“I suppose you had a really fun night if you don't even remember how you barged in my apartment.” 

Hyungwon sleepily spoke while looking at the wall in front of him.

He then turned to the side and stood up, soundlessly padded out of the bedroom leaving confused Hoseok on the floor.

* * *

“No, hey I remember.” Hoseok bolted out of the bedroom straight to the kitchen connected with the living room. 

He stopped near the kitchen counter where Hyungwon was waiting for his coffee to be brewed.

“I am sorry.” Hoseok’s right hand found its way to the back of his neck. 

“I am sorry.” He whispered once again because Hyungwon stayed silent.

“It’s okay.” The taller guy opened the fridge and took a carton of milk out.

“However, I hope it never happens again.” He continued while taking two cups out of the cupboard. 

Hoseok stared at the other guy. 

Why did he feel so uncomfortable? 

It wasn’t the embarrassment of his last night’s actions, it was Hyungwon.

It’s the way he avoids his gaze and the words that sound so alienated make him feel rigid. 

“You.” Hoseok mumbled while following the other’s hand movements.

“Me.”

“What’s wrong with you, Hyungwon?”

“Nothing.”

“No, there is something.” Hoseok felt stubborn.

“Hoseok.” Hyungwon stopped. “Sugar and milk?” He asked.

Hoseok nodded. “The usual.”

“Hoseok.” He picked up the thought from before while putting one cube of sugar in each of the cups. 

“Enlighten me. How am I supposed to behave around a person I confessed to but was rejected by?” He took the coffee and started to pour it into the cups.

“What should I do if this exact person laughs into my face considering my feelings?” He put the coffee jar in place while reaching for the milk.

“And he is weird enough to get on the nerves of every friend of mine he comes across. 

What do I do when he doesn’t want me but still has the audacity to come to my place right after making another scene? 

What should I do, Hoseok?

How should I behave?”

He finished pouring milk and pushed one of the cups towards Hoseok.

He was now looking at him and Hoseok had to look away, embarrassed.

“Hyungwon.”


	17. Underwater

The taller guy started to slowly clean the kitchen.

“I wanted to believe you like me back. I was wrong. But never in my wildest dreams, I ever imagined you would go out of your way to kick me right into my guts, Hoseok.”

His voice was sleepy and a little lonely.

“I didn’t mean to.”

“I don’t think you did either but you did anyway.” Came monotone.

Hoseok stared at his milky coffee.

“Hyungwon, are you sure?”

“About?” He put the carton inside the fridge and faced Hoseok.

“Are you sure? Maybe it’s a momentary attraction? We’ve known each other for a while…maybe you’re confused?”

He looked at Hyungwon expectantly.

Ah!

He fucked up.

He said something he shouldn’t have.

Hoseok saw the flash of pain dart across Hyungwon’s face.

Hyungwon narrowed his eyes on Hoseok.

“You cannot dictate my feelings for you or anyone else. They are mine and mine alone.” Hyungwon’s voice was forlorn.

“Why?” Hyungwon asked confusingly.

“You’ve never behaved this way. I’ve never noticed you enjoying bringing others down.” He still stared.

Hoseok’s gaze fell on his left hand that was resting on the table. It was shaking. He clenched it into a fist and hid it inside a pocket.

“No-, I-“ Hoseok cleared his voice.

“I don’t enjoy torturing you. Please believe me.”

He made a pause.

“I just…”

“You don’t believe me? You don’t have any trust in me?”

Hoseok looked up.

Again, again Hyungwon’s expression made him want to jump out of his own skin.

“No.” Hyungwon’s eyes were locked on him.

“It’s much easier. You don’t like me. Never did and never will.” He leaned against the kitchen counter, taking a sip of his coffee.

Hoseok felt the gears rotating in his mind.

“Hoseok, why did you come here?”

Hoseok ignored the question.

“No, I like you, it’s just…”

“You don’t want to be with me but you want to sleep with me. I said I cannot do it anymore. Let me ask you again, why are you here?”

Hyungwon's voice pushier this time.

Hoseok was getting dumber with every second.

“Are you angry?” Hoseok stared at the steam coming out of his coffee.

“No.”

There was a pause.

“It just hurts.”

Hoseok looked up. Hyungwon was staring right through him, somewhere outside the window.

“But-, you said that you don’t want any of it and you said you are not interested in relationships and I thought well you know…” Hoseok incoherently mumbled.

“I wasn’t planning on falling in love. Sounds fucking cringy, right?” Hyungwon crossed his arms on his chest.

"I didn't want to." There was a pause.

“However, I think it was inevitable. At the end of the day, you’re lovable.”

Hoseok saw how Hyungwon shrugged.

The room was completely still for a moment.

“Let’s not see each other anymore, Hoseok.”

It came out a little louder than a whisper.

Hoseok paled.

“But-,”

“It will be for the best.”

“Is it because of Minhyuk?”

“Minhyuk? Ah.” Hyungwon scrunched his nose.

“There will be a hell to pay today. He was planning on staying at my place and I left him there. I also ignored his calls.”

Hyungwon put his index finger to his lips.

“He is going to kill me.” He shut his eyes close.

Hoseok wanted to kiss him when he finished.

But he didn’t.

He fought the urge and pushed it back.

He can’t. He shouldn’t.

“So it’s not because of him?” Hoseok took a couple of soft steps to where Hyungwon was.

The space between the kitchen island wasn’t big.

Hyungwon’s legs were reaching the drawers in front of him.

Hoseok stood in between the space of his legs, leaning against the opposite piece of furniture.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened.

“I gave up on a lot of things.

I don’t need anything from people and I do not expect anything in return.

Love is a hindrance.

Why did you have to, Hyungwon?

He mumbled as he tightened the grip on the edge of the kitchen table.

Hyungwon openly stared.

Hoseok felt a tightness in his stomach.


	18. Sorry

“I can’t remember when I started to think that instead of your sweaty self I want to see a smile on your face.” 

Hyungwon said after a long pause.

“I don’t remember how it happened.”

He lifted his fringe with his index finger of his left hand.

“I just know I wanted to see you happy. 

But you, you realized it. 

Our relationship became strained. 

You stopped smiling at me. 

You became less talkative. 

For the last month I’ve seen nothing but gloomy, snappy or distant you.” 

Hyungwon was speaking softly but in a rather fast way.

“I want to see you smiling at me but even now all I see is you fidgeting.” 

Hyungwon’s eyes fell on Hoseok’s left hand that was fretting in his pants. 

“Why do you want to keep up with this relationship when it’s looking like this?” 

Hyungwon pushed his hair off his face.

“I don’t want to be a hindrance. Have some mercy on me.” The taller shifted uncomfortably.

Hoseok dug his nails in his palm as he furiously started to bite on his lower lip.

“You’re not a hindrance.” He made a single step to be right in front of Hyungwon.

The taller straightened up in a confused state of mind. 

He then furrowed his eyebrows. 

“You are not a hindrance.” Hoseok repeated hardly audibly. 

He reached out to caress Hyungwon’s right cheek. Gently, softly, carefully. 

He did it as if the younger guy was the most fragile thing he has ever had in his arms.

Hyungwon stared. He stared as much as he could.

_Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he had a chance._

“Are you sure you don’t feel anything for me?” Hyungwon asked hopefully.

Hope, Hyungwon thought, the bitch had to mess with his mind. 

Hoseok looked up at him and Hyungwon breathed out a shaky breath. 

A small ray of hope brightened his consciousness and a moment later made it pitch black.

Hyungwon promised himself to never hope again.

Hoseok’s eyes exuded a very cold and blank feeling. They might look confusing but Hyungwon saw how melancholic underneath they are.

He hated himself he made Hoseok feel this way.

He was about to open his mouth and to maybe agree, to go with all of Hoseok’s whims. 

Say he would do anything to stay next to him. 

He would rip his heart open for him if he wishes to.

But in the end he did what the other guy wanted from him the most.

Hyungwon wrapped a hand around Hoseok’s neck and locked their lips together. 

Hoseok immediately picked up on the pace as Hyungwon pushed him against the counter opposite to him, cupping the older’s face in the process. 

Hoseok’s hands trailed towards the younger’s T-shirt. He swiftly took it off and threw it on the ground. 

Hoseok was staring at the ceiling while Hyungwon was working on his neck.

“Bed or…?” Hyungwon said in between wet kisses on Hoseok’s neck. 

“Couch?” 

Hyungwon stopped and after grabbing Hoseok’s hand he led towards the living room, pushing him harshly on the couch. 

Hoseok noticed he stopped looking at him but he didn’t give it too much thought. He was both aroused and somehow happy.

* * *

“I like you when you’re hungry.” Hoseok was catching his breath while Hyungwon was plastered over the couch next to him, his face pushed into the cushion.

“Yeah.” There was a pause.

“I figured.” Hyungwon was breathing in and out full lungs of air. 

After another minute or two Hoseok climbed over Hyungwon and tottered towards the bathroom.

“Do you mind if I borrow one of your shirts? Mine smells like nothing but cigarettes.” 

Hoseok stopped in the hallway, looking over the couch where Hyungwon was lying motionlessly.

“If it is nothing super expensive take anything you like.” The voice mumbled. 

“Thanks.” Hoseok whistled and padded towards the bedroom first and a moment later closed the door to the bathroom.

The moment he heard the door closing Hyungwon sat up. 

He found his underwear and the rest of his clothes. 

After putting them on he fetched his cigarettes on the coffee table and tottered towards the balcony.

* * *

“Hyungwon-ah.” The older guy peeked out from the living room.

“Yeah?” Hyungwon’s legs were pushed to his knees on the chair as he let the cigarette hanging loosely from his lips. 

He wasn’t looking at him but somewhere towards the horizon.

“I gotta go.”

“Sure.” He took the cigarette between his fingers of his left hand as he started to inhale.

“I’ll see you around.” Hoseok’s voice was optimistic and what Hyungwon thought almost happy.

“Sure.” He flicked the ash to the ashtray.

“Bye.” The older guy closed the door and a couple of seconds later Hyungwon heard the entrance door being opened and closed.

“Goodbye.” 

Hyungwon mumbled to himself as he inhaled greedily.


	19. I remember

Minhyuk was tossing and turning in his bed.

He kept his eyes closed and tried to catch up on sleep a little longer but after another 15 minutes of not being able to fall asleep he turned on his back.

He put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling for a little while.

“ _Hyungwon._ ” He thought to himself. 

“ _What is going on?_ ” 

His mind started to trail away when there was a soft knock on the door.

“Yeah?” Minhyuk turned towards the door.

The door was silently opened.

“Are you hungry, Min? I defrozed meet dumplings.” The other guy cheepishly smiled. 

“I am coming.”

Minhyuk bounced out of the bed and tottered towards the kitchen in his underwear.

“Well, hello there buddy.” 

He said in an obnoxiously cheerful voice towards a cat that was padding towards him.

“How are you doing, Gucci?” Minhyuk asked while rubbing behind the cat’s ear.

Another cat started to rub against Minhyuk’s left leg.

“Are you jealous, Yoshi?” Minhyuk asked while patting the cat with his left hand.

“Come on.” The other guy said.

“The food is getting cold.”

“Coming.” Minhyuk paced towards the kitchen table and pushed the chair, only to sit heavily a moment later.

“I am not your maid.” The platinum-blond guy said while putting a cup of coffee in front of Minhyuk.

“Sorry and thanks.” Minhyuk smiled towards the guy who sat in front of him.

“How are you?” The flatmate asked while putting a couple of dumplings into his plate.

“Hmm.” Minhyuk hummed as he put chopsticks into his mouth.

“I am worried.”

“About?”

“Hyungwon-ah.”

“Huh?”

The other guy stopped transferring his food into his plate.

“What happened?”

“Jooheon.” Minhyuk said while cracking his neck on both sides.

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember Hoseok?”

“Who?”

“The guy I was going out with in high school?”

“Ah.” The younger guy showed a thinking face.

“Your first boyfriend.”

“Yeah.”

“What about him? Why do you even bring him up?

“I think he is dating…” Minhyuk made a pause.

“No, I guess he was dating Hyungwon.”

“What?” The other laughed.

“What a coincidence.”

“What are you laughing at? Minhyuk furrowed.

“That dude is a No – No.”

Jooheon put a dumpling behind his cheek.

“Yeah, I remember him. One of a hella weird guy but why do you want to stick in?” He chewed.

“Don’t tell me you are still stuck up on him.”

“Of course not.” Minhyuk protested.

“But don’t you remember what sort of trash he is?” Minhyuk’s face was displeased.

“Min.” Jooheon swallowed the dumpling and looked at the guy opposite to him.

“I remember.” He reached towards his coffee.

“I remember all too well. However, I was telling you years ago and I am telling you right now. You are way too impatient. I think that dude liked you back then. I don't understand why you want to bring up this drama.”

Minhyuk made a face.

“What? Don’t you remember...?”

“No.” Jooheon cut off.

“I remember it way too well.” He bent over to pat one of the cats that was trailing near his leg.

“But I just want to remind you that my mind hasn’t changed. No matter what kind of asshole he was 8 years ago he didn’t do anything to you. You were the one who pushed him away.”

There was a pause.

“I am curious why Hyungwon-ah would date a guy like him though.” Jooheon started to chew on his food again.

“You’re impossible.”

“Nope, it’s just that you are the one who is impatient. What are you doing today? Wanna go shopping?”

“Maybe later. I will go see Hyungwon after I take a shower.”

Jooheon raised an eyebrow.

“Is it serious between them?”

“I don’t know. I think they broke up before I found out or something like that.”

“Don’t tell me you would want to break them up.” Jooheon scoffed. 

“Yeah.” Minhyuk admitted.

Jooheon rolled his eyes back in his head.

“It’s been years.” He mumbled.

“He was a bastard.” Minhyuk deadpanned.

“’was’” Jooheon pointed out.

“He still is.” Minhyuk responded.

Jooheon groaned.

“I saw him.” Minhyuk said.

“I saw him yesterday and he is still the way he was back then.” He grumbled.

Jooheon sighed.

“Minnhyuga, I remember how you were in high school and I know the way you are today. I told you back then to clear things out but you declined. I hope you won’t be too nosy.”

“Hyungwon deserves better.” 

Minhyuk mumbled while chewing on one of his dumplings.

“He sure does but his happiness is not supposed to be determinded by your words.” Jooheon looked up at Minhyuk.

“Do you know what I mean?” 

“Yes.” The older said in a small voice.

* * *

The moment Hoseok stepped out of Hyungwon’s building complex he

Would you like to change this contact’s name from _Pet_ to _Wonnie_? 

Yes | No

_Yes_


	20. Unsteady

Hyungwon was twenty-two. 

Not too old. 

Some would describe him as an emerging adult while others as a young guy in the prime of his life.

He was not too old but old enough to feel lonely or so he thought.

He lethargically paced towards the bathroom, undressed and meant to throw his used clothes into the laundry hamper only to find Hoseok’s black sweatshirt staring at him. 

He let himself freeze for the shortest moment before throwing it in and hopping straight into a cold shower.

Hyungwon stepped out of the bathroom without drying his body. 

After putting a pair of clean underwear and shaking his head a couple of times he went to fix himself a drink when there was a knock at the door. 

Minhyuk was around the corner of Hyungwon’s apartment building when he saw someone who made him stop in his tracks.

He saw the other guy briefly walking away. There was no mistake. He was walking out of Hyungwon’s apartment’s building.

Minhyuk thought he was smiling. It made him cringe.

Hyungwon suspiciously padded towards the door.

There was another knock at the door. This time it was louder and more obnoxious. A pattern that belonged to only one of his friends.

Hyungwon clicked the door soundlessly open.

“Wow.” Minhyuk whistled.

Hyungwon rolled his eyes while turning around and disappearing inside the flat.

“I am still mad if you’re wondering.” Minhyuk said while closing the door.

“Do I look like I care?” The other asked while falling on the couch.

“Not really. You look like there is a nameplate written on your forehead that says _do not disturb._ ”

“Woah.” Hyungwon said while putting his legs on the coffee table. 

“For once you are correct.”

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk took his shoes off.

“Yeah?” He asked while taking a sip of his drink.

“Why do you drink at 1 PM?”

“Because I can.” 

The other switched the TV on and started to go through the channels chaotically.

“You left me yesterday.” 

Minhyuk said after falling heavily next to Hyungwon.

“Sorry.” Hyungwon meant it.

“I think we need to talk.” 

“About?” 

“Aren’t you curious?”

“About?”

“Hyungwon!” Minhyuk raised his voice.

“W-what?” Hyungwon looked at the other straight to the eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He turned his attention back to the TV.

“Hoseok.” Minhyuk mumbled.

“Can you bring me another drink, please?” 

The younger drank the liquid inside the glass in one go, stretching out his hand holding the glass without looking the older’s way a moment later.

Minhyuk groaned.

“What do you want?” He asked leaping to his feet.

“There is another bottle of whiskey in the upper cupboard.” 

There was a pause.

“With ice please.” 

After making two drinks Minhyuk fell on the couch next to Hyungwon.

“Here.” He put it on the coffee table.

“Thanks.” The taller reached towards it.

“Hyungwon.” There was a pause.

“You are upset.” Hyungwon outran him.

“Yes.” There was a pause.

Minhyuk watched the other take a sip of his drink.

“But it’s not…” The older stopped.

“What do you want to tell me?” Hyungwon blankly stared at his drink.

“Is it Hoseok? What about him?”

“Well you know…” Minhyuk started but Hyungwon’s expression made him stop.

“What’s wrong with you?” He said while putting a hand on the other’s shoulder.

“It’s over.” Hyungwon mumbled to himself. 

“It’s finally over.” Hyungwon’s eyes flickered towards Minhyuk and back to his drink.

“What do you mean?” The other asked confusingly.

“I think.”

“I think I ended it.” 

“I think I wanted it to end.”

“Huh?” Minhyuk asked confusingly.

“Ah.”

“I saw him leaving your building.” Minhyuk snorted.

“I suppose you cut all the ties but the idiot was smiling. What the fuck.” Minhyuk leaned against the couch.

Hyungwon stiffened but didn’t say anything to that.

“Chae.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Chae-e-e-e.” Minhyuk sing sang while nudging on his left shoulder.

“Fuck off.” Hyungwon pulled away.

“What the heck is wrong with you?” Minhyuk mumbled.

“What are you doing here?” Hyungwon snapped while standing up and disappearing in the balcony.

Minhyuk blinked a couple of times before standing up.

“Won.” He said while standing up.

“Won, you will catch a cold, it’s still winter.” He repeated while slowly opening the door of the balcony, watching Hyungwon wrapping himself with a cold blanket that was resting on the chair a moment ago.

“Won.” He watched the other fetching a cigarette out of the Lucky Strike pack. 

“Won.” He sat on the chair next to the other guy.

“Stop it.” Hyungwon muttered while lighting a cigarette and inhaling.

Minhyuk drank half of his drink before saying anything else.

“Were you dating him?” His voice was hoarse.

“What?” Hyungwon asked while looking towards the horizon.

“Were you sleeping with him as well? He is all yours.” 

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk protested.

Hyungwon stabbed out the cigarette in the ashtray.

“Sometimes I hate you.” Minhyuk mumbled while staring at Hyungwon’s profile.

Hyungwon kept on staring at the horizon.

“I hate myself as well. It’s a little game I play every day. How much can I hate myself today?! But guess what, you’re still annoying and I want to be alone, Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk cleared his throat noisily and he thought Hyungwon was going to say to mind his own business but he didn’t. 

“It’s okay, we can talk about it later. I didn’t come here to get on your nerves.” Minhyuk watched Hyungwon’s reaction but he kept on blankly staring at the horizon.

“What are you doing today? We can go out.”

“No.” 

“What about Changkyun? Do you want to invite him over?”

“Why?” Hyungwon reached for another cigarette.

“Well, you’re drinking in your underwear at 1 PM. It’s going to be a long day and no, I am not leaving.” 

“Too bad.” Hyungwon took a drag of the cigarette.

“What about Jooheon? You haven’t seen his cats in a while, we can go to our place, order some food and play some games.”

“Games.” Hyungwon snorted. “How is Jooheon doing?”

“Pretty good but you can ask him yourself.”

“Okay.” Hyungwon nodded to himself.

“Do you have booze at home?”

“Hyungwon…”

“I either drink as much as I want in your apartment and sometimes you get distracted to Jooheon or I am drinking here and you are getting out of here.”

Minhyuk rolled his eyes back into his head.

“Okay, today you’re the princess and I listen to all of your whims. But only for today.”

“Thank you.” Hyungwon whispered before emptying the glass.


	21. Why do you have to be like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make things clear...JiU is a member of Dreamcatcher, her real name is Minji. Jooheon played a character whose name was Minji in the X-ray but in this story he played the character in the high school play or however you want to imagine it. I will not explain it any further in the story but, I hope it will bring light to people who weren't aware of it.

“Honey, I am home.” 

Hyungwon quickly took his shoes off and padded towards the living room while Minhyuk closed the door behind him, exasperated.

“Hyungwon?” Changkyun poked his head from the kitchen.

“Baby, you are here as well.” He wrapped a hand around his shoulder.

Changkyun stole a glance at Minhyuk who just twisted a finger at his temple.

“How are you doing?” Hyungwon softly asked while leading the way to the living room.

Changkyun turned to look at his profile but before he could make his mind he heard Jooheon say

“Oh zagiya, you’re here.”

“Who are you?” Hyungwon unwrapped his hand while stopping in his tracks.

“Oh, it’s Minji.” Jooheon looked at the girl standing behind him.

“Minji?” Hyungwon snorted. 

“I know one Minji. My high school crush.” He cheekily smiled.

“Don’t.” Jooheon grimaced.

“Hey, I am Hyungwon.” He approached the girl while extending his hand.

“Minji.” The girl smiled. 

“But friends call me JiU.” She smiled once again while looking straight at Hyungwon.

The other smirked to one side of his face.

“Will it be defined as a sexual harassment if I say you’re hot?!” He grinned.

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk whined while Jooheon and Changkyun snorted.

“Nope, I will take it as a compliment.” She chuckled while bringing her attention back to the computer screen.

“Give us a second.” Jooheon turned in his chair.

“Sure.” Hyungwon wasn’t interested. 

He paced through Changkyun straight towards the kitchen. 

Minhyuk rolled his eyes.

“What do you want?”

Hyungwon asked while unpacking 3 bags. Minhyuk was the one who coincidently brought all of them.

“What did you get?” Changkyun wondered.

“Wine, beer and whisky.”

The youngest laughed out loud.

“Did something happen?”

“Nope.” He fumbled through the bags.

“Lies, he is weird today. 

He went from being a depressing 2007 emo kid to a hyped-up weirdo. 

He was stuck in the bathroom for 40 DAMN minutes.” 

Minhyuk was standing in the doorframe of the kitchen, his arms crossed on his chest. 

“He escalated from Daniel Trevor to Chainsmokers and then to Dynamic Duo…mind you one song on repeat for 10 fucking times.” 

He threw his hands up in the air.

Changkyun watched Minhyuk’s reaction and when Hyungwon didn’t make any sort of remark 

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing.” Hyungwon started to rummage for the glasses.

“What about the girl? What do you think she might like to drink?” Hyungwon’s back was to the other two.

“Do you like her?” Changkyun’s corners of the mouth arched up.

“Yeah, she is pretty. Is she single?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Changkyun sat behind the kitchen counter.

“Wait.” Minhyuk let his arms fall on his hips.

“You are moving forwards way too fast for someone who has his…”

“Shut up.” Hyungwon ordered.

“Huh?” Changkyun wondered.

“It’s nothing.” Hyungwon turned around and placed 5 glasses.

“Changkyun, did you know Hyungwon-ah…”

“Shut up or I might as well rip that mouth of yours wide open.” Hyungwon coldly stared at the oldest.

“He will find out anyway.” Minhyuk stared back.

“Then I tell him myself or I just won't. It’s none of your concern, Min.”

“Whatever.” Minhyuk grabbed a can of beer from the table and disappeared in the living room.

“What was that about?” Changkyun trailed Minhyuk with his eyes.

“Sometimes I want to strangle him.” 

Hyungwon grabbed the edge of the kitchen table with both of his hands, taking a deep breath with his eyes closed.

“I bet he would like that.” Changkyun smiled.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything to that.

“So, will you tell me?” 

“Maybe some other time or when I am drunk.” Hyungwon looked at Changkyun.

“But you already are.” The youngest took another can of beer, opening it with his left hand a moment later.

“Well, when I am wasted then. I thought you will be my whiskey buddy.” Hyungwon raised his left eyebrow.

“Sorry, I need to do some school stuff tomorrow. A hangover is not an option.”

“Boring.”

“I will be your _whiskey buddy_.” The girl entered the kitchen, smiling.

“Great.” Hyungwon pushed a glass towards her.

“Ice? Coke? Both or do you like it just the way it is?”

“With ice, coke and lemon if you have.” She leaned against the kitchen counter.

Hyungwon smirked while Changkyun laughed out loud.

“What?” JiU punched the youngest in his shoulder.

“Nope, nothing. On the other hand, someone is getting laid tonight.” He smirked and ran towards the living room.

“Sorry.” JiU slightly blushed.

“I suppose I should be the one who is supposed to apologize.” Hyungwon ran a hand on the back of his neck.

* * *

“Don’t do this.” Minhyuk said while Hyungwon was washing his hands in the bathroom.

“Privacy.” Hyungwon watched the older in the reflection of the mirror.

“You are going to regret it.”

“Who in their right mind regrets a good time?” He turned off the water and reached for the towel.

“You. You will.”

“Min, you’re giving too much attention to me.”

“I am worried.”

“Why?” He finished drying his hands and stood in front of Minhyuk.

“Is it because of him? He is all yours.”

“No, it’s not about him. It’s about you.”

“I am fine.” He stared at the other.

“You’re drunk.”

“And? Should I count how many one night stands you had in your life while being intoxicated?” Hyungwon sighed.

“She is Jooheon’s friend.”

“She seemed interested from the very beginning.” 

“It doesn’t mean you hav…”

“Stop it. If you're worried about her go ask Jooheon to talk her out of it but she is a big girl.”

“I give zero fucks about her, I-“

“I don’t care what you think about this whole situation though.” Hyungwon shrugged.

“Sorry.” He passed him by and disappeared in the living room.

Minhyuk followed right away.

“Sorry, it’s getting late. I think I should be getting home.” JiU stood up and went to find her bag.

“So early?” Jooheon said without looking away from the TV.

“Don’t get distracted, you gonna lose.” Changkyun said irritably.

“Yeah.” She said while eyeing Hyungwon.

“Want me to give you a ride?” He said in a beat.

“Sure.” She smiled. 

“Bye boys.” She said while keeping an eye contact with Hyungwon before disappearing in the hallway.

“Go, Hyungwon, go.” Changkyun cheered. 

“Have fun.” Jooheon said, his eyes glued to the screen.

“What? No one is going to say it’s a bad idea?” Minhyuk seemed upset.

“She is nice.” Jooheon said. 

“Oh, when are you moving out?”

“At the end of the week.” Hyungwon disconnected the charger from his phone.

“Need some help?”

“Maybe, I will let you know.”

“Sure, don’t forget the protection.” He laughed.

“Jooheon.” Changkyun snorted. 

“Bye.” Hyungwon said while walking away.

“Min.” He stopped to look at the other guy who was plastered on the couch. His eyes were trained passionlessly somewhere outside the window.

“Good night.” He glassily looked at the older and without waiting for the response left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was a little too much of Hyungwon. It's all about Hoseok in the next chapter.


	22. Bad liar

_The next evening._

Hoseok walked back in the snowy twilight, with a sour, humorless feeling as if he was a victim of a practical joke. 

“You’re late.” Kihyun said while standing in front of Hoseok’s door, shifting his foot from one to another, visibly shivering.

“What are you doing here?” Hoseok fished for his keys, avoiding a scrutinizing gaze from the younger.

“You promised to give me a call.”

“I forgot.” 

Hoseok opened the door and threw his bag on the floor. 

After taking his shoes off without a care he slowly went to the kitchen to find a can of coke.

Kihyun closed the door but didn’t hurry to take his shoes off.

“What are you doing there? Are you coming in or not?” Hoseok asked while opening a can.

“Your phone is turned off.”

“My battery died.”

“R-i-g-h-t.” The younger finally took his shoes off and went to sit next to Hoseok in the living room.

“What happened? I haven’t seen you around campus these couple of days.” 

“I was avoiding you.” 

“What did you do?” The younger raised his eyebrow.

“Nothing, maybe everything. Not sure.”

Kihyun groaned. 

“What do I have to do to make you talk? I cannot get inside your brain unless you explain things.” Kihyun sighed.

“I don’t want to.”

“Do you need more time?”

“No.”

“Then what is it? Talk to me, Hoseok.”

“Why?”

“I want to make sure you are fine and your self-destructive mechanism hasn’t been turned on.”

“ _Yet_.” He added a second later.

“I am fine.”

“If you can fake sincerity, you can fake anything. 

The best part about it? You don’t look fine right now. 

Come on, I didn’t wait in the cold for nothing.” 

Kihyun leaned against the couch while throwing his head back. 

“What? Since when did you get a degree in psychology?”

“Probably when I became friends with you. You’re weird, Hoseok but I like you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. I won’t let you drawn.”

“Ridiculous.” The older huffed. 

“So will you share what’s on your mind or should I give you more time? 

Maybe you’re waiting for me to start begging you so I can help you?” Kihyun looked at the other, amused.

“There is nothing to talk about.” The other shifted uncomfortably.

“I avoided you yesterday because I spent the night with Hyungwon and I didn’t want you to get mad at me.”

“Huh?” Kihyun’s eyes got wide and his mouth fell open. 

“Go on. I am sure there is a _but._ ” He took a deep breath.

“There are no buts. He blocked me the next morning.”

The shorter laughed out loud. 

“He's got guts. I like him.”

“What’s so funny?” Hoseok looked up, annoyed.

“I suppose after I insisted you think over your actions you ran to jump into his bed instead. That’s so you.” 

Kihyun sighed while standing up and walking straight towards the fridge.

“No food?” He asked the moment he opened it.

“I didn’t have time to do shopping.” Hoseok was watching the other.

“Doing what?” The younger took a beer from the fridge and a moment later fell on an armchair opposite to Hoseok.

“Doing nothing.” The older grumbled while taking a sip of his drink.

“Oh.” Kihyun smirked.

“What’s wrong with you? Why do you look so pleased? Can’t you sympathize with me or something?” Hoseok grimaced.

“Why? Are you upset?”

Hoseok’s eyes were fixed on Kihyun for a couple of seconds before he looked away.

“No.”

“Liar.” The younger ran a finger on the rim of the beer bottle.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I want to help you. I really do.” Kihyun took a gulp of his drink.

“However I want you to be honest with me. 

Your lie will be complete if you keep it up till the very end. 

So far you have been failing miserably.” 

Kihyun looked up at the ceiling.

“Where have you been?”

“Gym. Haven’t you seen the bag?” Hoseok’s voice was sore.

“Yeah, the only thing whenever you are working out in the evening you finish by 8 PM.”

Kihyun bared his wrist.

“It’s almost 10 PM. Where have you been?”

“Are you spying on me?”

“Nope, knowing how obnoxious you are.."

He rubbed his chin slightly.

"... you went out of your way to find out why an egoist like you was blocked.” 

"A scandalized expression Hoseok was showing made Kihyun smile.

“So? What did he say?”

“Nothing. He wasn’t at home.” Hoseok took another sip of his cola.

“I will ask you once again. Do you like him?”

“No.” Hoseok was looking outside the window.

“I don’t understand, are you running away from me or yourself?”

“Neither. Why do you even care?”

“You wanted sympathy.” 

Hoseok stayed silent.

“You’re pathetic.” 

“Oh shut the fuck…” 

Hoseok turned to look at Kihyun who was returning his gaze. His determination made him stop.

“You’re 23, not 43." The younger started.

"You can do whatever you want with your life.

If you want to make mistakes, fine, but be brave enough to own up to them. 

If you like him, get him. 

If you don’t like him, let him finally be.

If I am being honest, you don’t like him. 

You like the idea of him liking you. 

Now you’re upset he cut you off.

Your pride hurts you.

“No.” Hoseok cut the other off.

“No? Then what is it?” 

Kihyun's dark eyes were boring into the older's soul.

“It’s never easy to walk away.

Let him go.

It’s gonna be okay.

It’s going to hurt for a bit but it will turn out just fine.”

“Yeah, sure.” Hoseok stood up to find his jacket. 

“I am always alone. They just leave. I will stay this way. He was just another proof.” He mumbled to himself as he found a pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

“You’ve rejected him at least twice as far as I am aware.” 

Kihyun leaped to his feet, standing in front of Hoseok a moment later.

“You will be the one I will borrow my shoulder to but you need more time. 

I cannot help you when you’re like this. 

If you really care, go see him again. 

Or when you say you do not care, we'll go out, I will buy you a drink and then you get to pick your next victim.”

“Mean.” Hoseok raked his fingers through his hair.

“I am leaving.” Kihyun quickly put his shoes on.

“Are you mad?”

“Why would I be?” Kihyun fake smiled before closing the door from the other side.


	23. "A new chapter"

_One week later._

Hyungwon was staring at the ceiling in the dark.

His bedroom was a mess and three rows of boxes were mockingly staring back at him.

His heart was like a rock. 

“I feel as if I am running away.” 

He turned to his left, looking outside the window. 

It lacked blinds. 

It gave an alienated and empty look.

His new _home_ was a mess. Just like his emotions.

* * *

It was a little after 9 AM that someone rang his bell. 

The sound was foreign to him. It made him uneasy.

“What are you doing here?"

Hyungwon opened the door while Changkyun was smiling back at him.

“I couldn’t help you to move in so I’ll help you with chores today.” 

He extended his hand with two coffees and a paper bag from his favorite bakery.

Hyungwon tiredly smiled while letting the younger guy in.

“It’s nice.” Changkyun whistled while running around the flat for the time being as Hyungwon flopped on a still covered up sofa.

“Yeah, I worked hard on finding it. Hyunwoo ended up being my savior though.”

“You don't like changes. You must be stressed out. How did you sleep?” 

Changkyun padded towards the patio missing out on half of Hyungwon's words.

“You have fake grass over here and it’s huge.” The younger guy gaped. 

“You can grow fruits and vegetables in here.” He laughed.

“Not in a million years.” Hyungwon mumbled back while yawning.

“Oh well.” He closed the door to the patio and sat next to Hyungwon.

“It’s your next chapter in life. We should celebrate.” He jokingly punched the other in the shoulder.

“I hate changes.” Hyungwon grumbled.

“I know.” The response came a second later. “You couldn’t help it. The landlord had the plans for her flat.”

“Couldn’t her daughter wait to get married before I finish my university or something.” Hyungwon started to sip on his drink.

“So unreasonable.” Changkyun laughed out loud. 

“What are you planning on doing today?

“Bedroom first…I need new blinds. I felt naked sleeping in there yesterday.”

“I need new kitchen utensils and stuff for the bathroom. I was planning to go to IKEA. Wanna go with me?” 

Hyungwon turned to look at Changkyun, showing his puppy eyes.

“Sure.” Changkyun snorted. “But you treat me to lunch.”

“I will treat you to anything if you help me to make this..." As he threw his hand in the air.

"....into some sort of living space.” Hyungwon sighed.

“What about Minhyuk? He likes these kinds of things. I expected him to be here by now. Is he coming later or is he busy with school?”

“Eh.” The taller muttered.

“He is upset with me.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“Is it because of JiU? He was beyond obnoxious that day.” 

Changkyun slightly turned to take a better look at the reaction of the other.

“I guess so.”

“What about her? How is she doing?”

“Well, she is good. At least that’s what I’ve been told.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Changkyun brightly smiled.

“We exchanged numbers and I gave her my new address.” Hyungwon was slightly swinging his coffee from side to side.

“So you started seeing her.”

“No, I mean it’s only on a physical level.”

“God, Hyungwon.” 

The younger threw his head back. 

“I am having a déjà vu right now. It’s the same old story. You were saying the same thing considering that dude. Aren’t you tired?”

“I am.” There was a pause.

“But she is nice and fun. She is aware I am not looking for a serious relationship.”

“She is a girl. They tend to fall faster, you should know better.”

“I said I liked someone else. It’s up to her...” Hyungwon mumbled. 

“...but I like her. She is nice….”

“….moreover, have you seen her? She is hot.” Hyungwon softly laughed.

“Well shit.” Changkyun sighed.

“I suppose Min is upset because you’re are a manwhore.”

Hyungwon turned around to look at Chankgyun.

“I am single for fuck's sake.”

“Yeah, single as a pringle.” 

Chankgyun locked his eyes on Hyungwon.

“But there is someone within your heart.” He pointed at his chest. 

“My feelings are not reciprocated.” Hyungwon stared ever harder.

"Do you expect me to become a monk or what am I supposed to do to meet every single expectation of my friends?" 

Changkyun’s eyes ran from Hyungwon’s left to right eye back and force for a while until he gave up.

“Yes, you’re completely right. If she is fine with that….”

“I am just worried, sorry.” Changkyun started to scratch on his temple.

“It’s okay, I will take a quick shower and we can head out.” 

He stood up and tottered down the hall straight into the shower.


	24. Everything is gray

“What are you doing?” 

“Drinking in the speed of light.” 

Hoseok responded in the most sarcastic and exaggerated way. 

“I noticed.” The other guy pointed out.

“But what I wonder about what you are doing at _my place_? You could have drunk yourself to sleep two floors above.” 

“Because you’re my only friend and my place doesn’t have booze.” Hoseok slurred.

“R-right, so it was the only reasonable way to raid my fridge. I am surprised you didn't dash to the nearest bar.” The other mumbled. 

“Are you happy?” Hoseok asked out of the blue.

“Huh?”

“I am asking if you’re happy.”

“I am not happy but you’re brooding and I am fine. I feel steady and confidant.” 

The other guy responded while standing up.

“I am hungry, what do you want to order?”

“Nothing.” Hoseok muttered while emptying his yet another glass.

“What did you do before? I haven't heard from you in a while.” The guy asked as he found his phone and opened Uber Eats.

“Nothing.” Hoseok grumbled.

“Oh yeah? Pizza or Korean food? Wait….no.” The other stopped.

“I want kebab.” He smiled to himself. 

“Whatever.” 

Hoseok leaped to his feet and stumbled towards the kitchen, fixing himself a drink next.

* * *

“So, will you tell me what’s bothering you?” 

The guy asked after Hoseok flopped down the coach with yet another glass. 

“Have you been talking to Kihyun?” Hoseok asked while looking inside his drink.

“A little. I prefer to hear from the first source though.”

Hoseok smiled.

“So?” The other anticipated.

“Hyunwoo….” Hoseok slurred.

“Yeah?” The other jerked his chin.

“What do you identify by _love_?”

The older wheezed.

“So that’s what you are worried about.”

“What the fuck. Be serious.” Hoseok glared at the other.

“My feelings are mine and yours are yours. I cannot teach you how to love or how to identify it. You should find out by yourself.” He shrugged.

“Very helpful, thanks.” Hoseok sighed. 

“How old are you, Hoseok?”

Hoseok ran a hand over his face.

“I guess I am broken, I don’t know what it is supposed to taste like.”

“Why?” Hyunwoo leaned against the other side of the couch.

“Just because.” 

“When you wonder whether you’re in love or not it means you are. As easy as that.”

“But I am not. You’re stupid.” Hoseok grumbled.

“Wrong, I am simple. And anyway, why are you even asking if you don’t want to hear any sort of opinion?”

Hoseok grimaced.

“Do you remember the guy I used to sleep around with?”

“The one you were seeing?”

“No, sleeping around with.”

“Go on.”

“He said he likes me.”

“Okay.”

“He blocked me.”

“That’s natural.”

“He moved out.” Hoseok stared at his drink sleepily.

“Oh.” Hyunwoo snickered. “I wonder why.”

“Are you fucking serious?” He turned to look at Hyunwoo.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.” He looked away.

“You’re not the center of the universe, Hoseok. He moved out because he needed or wanted to. I am sure you have nothing to do with that…” 

“…on the other hand.” He stopped for a moment to think his words over. 

“Your mistakes, fuck ups and miscalculations. Sweeten or bitter it however you want because it doesn’t change the fact it happened and you regret it. And with that, you drove the person you _don’t like_ away. Is it right?” 

Hoseok froze for a brief moment. 

“You behave as if we are back to high school.”

“Huh?”

“Do you remember? Wait…of course you do, that tall, talkative, blond guy.”

“Minhyuk?”

“Oh yeah, that was his name. Him.”

“What about Minhyuk? And…in the worst possible outcomes he had to be Hyungwon’s friend.” 

Hoseok became a little smaller after saying it.

“Hyungwon?”

“What?”

“The guy’s name is Hyungwon?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, you’ve never mentioned his name for one.”

"And I actually know one for two."

“Hyunwoo, there are thousands of people with this name.”

“Maybe so but it doesn’t change the fact I’ve known him as _that guy_ until now.”

“Whatever. What did you want to say?”

“Ah.” Hyunwoo crossed his ankle over his knee.

“You used to like him. A lot. Think about into a relationship with him and you might find the answer.” 

There was a long and uncomfortable pause.

“Wait.” Hyunwoo couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

“You dumped him in the worst possible matter.”

“Sometimes I wonder if I am talking to you or Kihyun. Don’t tell me you told the story to him because…” 

Hoseok turned to look at Hyunwoo with a slightly opened mouth.

“Wait, what? No, of course, no. I wanted to make an example and totally forgot what scum you used to be.” 

Hyunwoo turned to look straight into Hoseok’s eyes.

“Smile or I will take it seriously.” Hoseok glared back.

Hyunwoo sighed while disentangling his legs and reaching for a can of beer that was resting on a coffee table. 

“I really forgot how disappointed in you I was back then. Hoseok, you make a lot of grave mistakes when I try to analyze you.”

“Then don’t.”

“But you want a piece of advice.”

“It doesn’t matter. I made a mistake.”

“And by that, you mean talking to me.” 

Hoseok nodded while finishing his yet another drink.

“I would be hurt if you weren’t wasted. Go to sleep, champ. You can stay here if you want to.”

“Thanks.” Hoseok said while sluggishly standing up and tottering towards the bedroom.

“No shower?”

“No shower.”

“What about food? It will come any time soon.”

“Nah.” Hoseok waved his hand and disappeared in Hyunwoo’s bedroom.

“Oh well.” Hyunwoo finished his beer in complete silence.


	25. Enough

“Hyunwoo-ah” Hoseok mumbled as soon as he crept out of bed.

“Hyunwoo-ah” His rumbling bass resonated across the flat as soon as he opened the door.

“I am in the kitchen.” The other yelled.

“What are you cooking?” 

Hoseok drowsily went to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, falling down heavily on a stool behind the kitchen counter next.

“Fried rice. And as I expected, you look terrific.”

“I haven’t been this hangover in a while.” 

He took a couple of greedy gulps before putting the bottle down on the table.

“Aspirin?”

“Make it double.” Hoseok sighed.

“Listen, about yesterday...” 

Hyunwoo mumbled while searching the drawers.

Hoseok shook his head.

“No need to. I had a dream,- “ He ran a hand through his hair.

“A dream? Are you sure it wasn’t a delirium?” 

Hyunwoo laughed while putting the medication in front of the other.

“It was a joke.” Hoseok furrowed.

“I changed my mind. No, I made up my mind.” 

He ever so slightly arched his corners of the mouth upwards while popping two pills and washing it down with more water.

Hyunwoo watched the other for a moment.

“So, in other words, you gave up.” 

Hyunwoo turned around towards the stove, starting chopping vegetables shortly after.

“You can say so. Guh.” Hoseok breathed out. 

“I shouldn’t drink this much.”

“I lied.”

“Huh?” 

Hoseok asked as he was approaching the fridge once again, taking a sports drink this time out. 

“What do you mean?” 

He closed the fridge door and leaned against it next, slightly turning to his left, following Hyunwoo’s hand movements.

“Kihyun is as talkative when he is drunk as you are.”

Hoseok felt a lump growing in the pit of his stomach.

He looked at the bottle and the condensation. 

He watched the first drop of water roll down his finger when he spoke again.

“I see.” He unscrewed the lid and took a small sip of the drink.

“Don’t worry. His dialog switched between _He is nuts_ , _He doesn’t even like him_ or the most common phrase of that evening _I am going to kill him one day and the court will justify me._

Hoseok fake laughed. “So nothing new.”

“I wanted to prove him wrong.”

“And by that you mean...?” Hoseok met eyes with Hyunwoo.

“That you can be in a relationship. That you can admit your feelings. Was I wrong?” 

Hyunwoo’s eyes flickered back to the cutting board.

“I hate to disappoint you but Kihyun was right.” Hoseok threw his left hand up in the air in defeat. 

“Everyone has their own feelings. 

I don’t want to be a hindrance but since it’s been a while you opened up to me. 

I won’t say anything else if you made a decision. 

The last thing I can ask you is to not lie to only one person - _yourself._

Lying to yourself will stop you from moving forward.” 

Hyunwoo glanced at Hoseok for the shortest while, blinking in affirmation.

“Thanks.” Hoseok took his previous position behind the kitchen counter.

“When will it be ready? I am starving.” Hoseok smacked his left cheek on the cold marble.

“Give me ten more minutes.” Hyunwoo snickered.

“Don’t let this handsome guy starve.” Hoseok groaned.

“Where do you see a handsome guy? All I can see is a hangover one with bad hair and breath.” The older broadly smiled.

“YA!” 

An empty bottle flew straight into the back of Hyunwoo's head. 

“A bad-tempered on top of it.” He scratched the place.

“Hurry up.” 

“Yes, master.”


	26. Clueless

Hyungwon was waiting for his coffee to brew. 

He was looking outside the wall window he now happens to have.

The planning of the flat didn’t change too much. 

However, this apartment was a little bigger. 

It had a little better planning and was situated in a considerably new complex and a slightly better location. 

He loved his previous flat but he didn’t mind moving out as much as he did just three days ago.

“Morning.” 

Hyungwon was brought back to reality.

“Hey.” The taller chummily smiled at the other guy.

“Coffee?”

“Yes, please.” Changkyun went to sit on the couch.

“Thanks for yesterday.”

“No problem.” The younger rubbed his eyes.

“What do you think if I get nice curtains on the sides but leave the windows open?” 

Hyungwon turned towards the cupboard to fetch another mug.

Changkyun turned to look towards the windows.

“Don’t you think it will look empty?”

“Do you think so?” Hyungwon’s voice a little disappointed.

“Are you against rollers?”

“I want to keep the area as sunny as possible.” Hyungwon started to pour in the coffee.

“I don’t want them to be made from boring fabric.”

“Well, there are many types. You can get them sheer or from a material of your choosing.”

“I guess wooden roller blinds would do, what do you think?” 

Hyungwon put two cups on a coffee table, falling on a couch next to Changkyun shortly after.

“Yeah, that would suit the interior.”

“And with that, curtains might look too much, huh?” 

Hyungwon crossed his legs while reaching for his mug.

“You are taking this seriously.” Changkyun broadly smiled.

“I just want to feel at home.”

“Get the shades first, and then decide whether you want the curtains or not. If you still want them, just get them.” The younger took a sip of his coffee.

Hyungwon slightly nodded to himself. 

“When do you think you will be done?”

“You helped me a lot. I will go downtown and order shades today, buy small things that are still missing. In two days it will be ready.”

“So welcome party over the weekend?” Changkyun asked, his voice evidently had a note of anticipation. 

“Sure.” The older pulled his head back on the side of the couch. 

“I need to go grocery shopping as well.”

He stared at the ceiling for a while.

“What do people usually get to their neighbors?”

“Huh?”

“I remember getting a potted flower to my neighbor in the previous complex. And the only reason behind that was because she came over with some baked goodies. She was a lovely lady. Took pity on my student ass.” 

He smiled to himself with his eyes closed.

“I don’t think you should but if you really want to…” Chankgyun stopped.

“Something universal.”

“Toilet paper?”

The younger laughed out loud. 

“It’s way too universal. I would pay to see the scene though.”

“What about wine?”

“Yeah.” Chankgyun nodded. 

“Nothing too fancy. Something people won’t hate having in their cupboard even if it’s not their favorite.”

Hyungwon nodded once again.

* * *

It was a little after 8 PM when someone knocked at Hoseok’s door. 

By that time, he managed to get rid of a headache, stomachache and take a shower. 

Furthermore, by some sort of miracle, he managed to work on his project longer than he could dream of.

“Who is it?” He asked while walking towards the door.

“Hyunwoo?” He thought to himself.

“I am a new neighbor from the corner flat…” 

The door made a clicking sound when Hoseok pushed it open.

“…who moved in a couple of days ago.” 

The other finished a little bit louder than a whisper.

Hoseok’s eyes got wide and his mouth fell into a small round ‘o’.

For a fraction of second they were struck silent. 

Hoseok’s face was burning under the other’s gaze of cool almost sharp solicitude.

His face was clouded with an effort of thinking when the taller harshly sighed as he brushed some strands of hair away from his face.

“What did I do in my past life to deserve this…” 

Hyungwon mumbled to himself but Hoseok heard him anyway.

The taller fixed Hoseok with an unblinking stare as cool and dispassionate as it was possible while biting on his lower lip furiously.

"Why is he doing it? Is he doing it on purpose?" Hoseok's eyes flickered towards the youngers' lips. 

“Hoseok.” His blood drained from the face.

“Yeah.” He clenched the doorknob as he gazed at Hyungwon.

“Just to make things clear, this is your apartment, right?” 

Hoseok thought Hyungwon was hopeful.

“Yeah, didn’t you know?” 

Hope vanished into thin air the moment it appeared because now Hoseok was watching his eyes turn deadly.

“No.” Hyungwon shook his head in frustration. 

“How would I know if I was never invited to come over to your place?!”

Hoseok felt his heartstrings being tugged. It was an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least.

“Here.” As he shoved a bottle in Hoseok’s left hand. 

“I hope we stay out of each other’s sight as much as possible.”

Hyungwon sadly smiled as he turned around and meant to make his first step but just stiffened at the spot as the other spoke.

“That’s it?” The only thing Hoseok managed to ask without making a fool out of himself.

“That’s it.”

Soon enough Hoseok heard a door right next to him open and shut.

Nevertheless its soundlessness he felt chills down his spine. 

He stared first at the door and then at the bottle. 

He closed the door after what he thought was an eternity. 

_It was a turning point in both of their lives._

_Neither of them took it as a good sign._


	27. Wake me up

**8:12 PM**

_[Incoming call.]_

_Hey._

Hyungwon was anxiously searching for a new pack of cigarettes in his backpack.

_What’s up?_

A girls voice asked.

_I was wondering if we can cancel today._

He grabbed the lighter from the kitchen counter and padded towards the patio, swiftly opening the glass door.

_Cancel? Did something happen? I am 10 minutes away though. I bought you some food from the place you like._

The girl’s voice seemed concerned.

_Oh._

There was a pause.

_Really? Then come over, sorry._

_Are you sure? I can go home if you’re not feeling like it today._

_No. ___

He flicked a cigarette from the pack and put it between his lips, lighting it a moment later. 

_It’s okay, come._

__He inhaled._ _

_The apartment’s number is 514._

__He puffed the air out._ _

_Fifth floor._

_Alright._

__The girl’s voice was calm but concerned._ _

_See you in a bit._

__She hung up._ _

* * *

__“Hey.”_ _

__JiU brightly smiled, extending a paper bag in front of him._ _

__“I got you food.”_ _

__Hyungwon watched her for the shortest period of time._ _

__“Come.” He gently grabbed her by the hand and led her inside the flat, locking the door behind._ _

__“What’s wrong with you today?”_ _

__She quickly took her boots off and walked briskly down the hall._ _

__“Woah.” She exclaimed._ _

__“It’s really nice.” She turned to look at Hyungwon who was staring at her on the other side of the room._ _

__“What’s wrong?” She slightly tilted her head to the right._ _

__She put the bag on a coffee table and padded towards where Hyungwon was standing still._ _

__“You are pale.”_ _

__She reached out to run a hand through his hair._ _

__“Are you hungry? Do you feel ill? You don’t seem to have a fever.”_ _

__She touched his forehead with the back of her hand._ _

__Hyungwon gripped her wrist firmly._ _

__“I am okay.” He was looking straight at her._ _

__“I will have you as my dinner if you don’t mind.”_ _

__A small smile appeared on Minji's lips when Hyungwon leaned to kiss her right on the lips._ _

__

__“If we don’t move places or position my neck will fall off.”_ _

__The girl said breathlessly with short intervals._ _

__She was already backing the wall, her hands wrapped around his neck._ _

__“Shortie.” Hyungwon pulled back, looking attentively at her next._ _

__“Do you have a death wish?” She pulled the other by the neck, jumping on him next._ _

__“It will be hard for someone like you.”_ _

__He tiredly smiled, locking their lips once again as he made his way to the bedroom._ _

* * *

__“Did something happen?”_ _

__Minji asked a little louder than a whisper as she was lying on her stomach, looking at Hyungwon who had his arms behind his head._ _

__He was looking somewhere up the ceiling._ _

__“I am sorry, I didn’t want to be weird.” He sighed._ _

__“Nope, I like you like this as well. You were hot trying to vent all of your frustration on me.” She chuckled while rolling on her back._ _

__“I am not pushing you or anything but I also happen to be a good listener. You can always find me if you want to.” Echoed within the room._ _

__Hyungwon turned to look at the girl lying next to him. She was the one who was staring at the ceiling now._ _

__“What are we?” He rolled to his left, running a hand through her hair a moment later._ _

__“Friends? Friends with benefits?”_ _

__“But for how long?” Hyungwon continued to rake his hand through her hair._ _

__“I like our relationship right now. Are you worried someone will feel burdened and fall for another?”_ _

__“Maybe.”_ _

__“Are you scared it will be me?”_ _

__“Maybe.”_ _

__The girl softly laughed._ _

__“Stop being nice, Hyungwon-ah. It’s useless, moreover, it’s boring.”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“You are a good guy but your mind is burdened. It's pretty obvious by the way you look at me. I don’t know whether you are trying hard to imagine someone or…”_ _

__“No, never.” Hyungwon stopped playing with her hair, tensing visibly._ _

__“Then I suppose you always stare so intensely in order to keep an image of me within your mind.” She chuckled. “It’s cute, really.”_ _

__“But it’s a game for two players. I am as guilty as you are.” She finished._ _

__“I wish I could fall for you.” He closed his eyes while tiredly running a hand over his face._ _

__“Hey.” She smacked him in the shoulder._ _

__“It’s not written in our contract. No falling in love.” She laughed while sticking to his side._ _

__Hyungwon gently wrapped a hand around her shoulders._ _

__“What a violent woman.” He chummily mumbled._ _

__

__“Will you stay the night?” Hyungwon asked after a long moment of silence._ _

__“No.” she shook her head._ _

* * *

__Hoseok put the bottle on a kitchen table._ _

__He ran his index and middle fingers down the shape of it while looking at his reflection in a now completely dark window._ _

__He felt gears rotating in his mind. He forced them to stop._ _

__After throwing the wine away in the bin he went to take a cold shower and the rest of the evening he spent watching The Office._ _

__A show he never thought he would start rewatching again._ _

__It wasn't the worst idea._ _

__It helped him to dissociate from whatever was lurking in the dark corners of his mind._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was contemplating whether Minji deserves so much attention and then I realized that yes, yes she does. I have plans for her and no one can stop me. 😂 But no worries...only cameos from now on.  
> Hyungwonho has a longer way than you might've expected.  
> I fucked up on Hoseok's ending...I'll try to make the amends in the next chapter.


	28. Pain

Pain comes in all forms and disguises whether it’s physical or emotional. 

It can be a little twinge or a jab, a bit of soreness, random pain, phantom pain.

The normal pain we live with every day. 

And there is the kind of pain we can’t ignore. 

The level of it is so great that it blocks everything out, dulls the motion of the entire world, and makes all the colors fade away. 

The only thing that’s left is a bubble within which all we can think about is nothing but how much we hurt. 

How we deal with it is up to us: 

We sedate it,

We cast it out as if it was a demon,

We embrace it,

We ignore it.

While some would say the most rational way would be to face it. Some of us, on the other hand, prefer to manage the pain just by pushing through it.

It seems Hoseok has forgotten the moment when for a very short period of time he made a mistake by looking into an abyss. Because soon enough the abyss started gazing back at him.

* * *

On Thursday, Hoseok woke around 7AM to a quite flat.

He might like Thursdays due to Happy Hours in a bar he fancies, a menu that is better than Wednesdays in a university cafeteria and that it was 2 steps away from the weekend but it crosses out all of the pros when he is not on good terms with Kihyun.

It is the only day they have classes together.

It was impossible to avoid the other and he was not in a position to skip.

The shallowness of an idea just of how much he is capable of in order to avoid one of his already few friends didn’t cross his mind. 

Not wanting to arrive insanely early he was moping around until he realized if he didn’t hurry he would be late. 

He threw all the books in a backpack and ran all of the way straight to the campus.

It’s a privilege to live next to the university.

Not that he had a tendency to sleep in, it’s just him. 

It’s his chaotic, a little forgetful, and all over the place personality.

He had caught his breath by the time he opened the back door of the lecture room. He ended up being late anyway.

He quickly scanned the auditorium and noticed a messy ball of chestnut hair. 

He tried to make his way until a professor called him out.

“It’s nice you decided to pay us a visit, Mr Lee.”

A man in his late 40s readjusted his glasses.

“I am sorry, Professor Kim.” He mumbled while silently sitting next to Kihyun.

“You’re late.” The guy said without looking Hoseok’s way.

“Yeah.” He quickly glanced at the other’s profile before taking out his notebook.

Except for a small tightness around his mouth, Kihyun was his usual self. 

Hoseok supposed he either forgot or forgave him.

_Wait, there was nothing to apologize for._

“Do you want to go out?” Hoseok sneakily looked at the guy who was passionlessly stabbing his food.

“Ha?” Kihyun looked up.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to.” Hoseok took a spoonful of rice behind his left cheek.

“I finish at 11 PM, pick me up.” Kihyun took a deep breath before finally starting eating.

* * *

It was almost 4 PM when Kihyun was dragging his feet in the direction of his part-time job. 

He was tired, restless, and annoyed at the same time. 

His parents kept on nagging.

Instead of mastering an art of photography, he was mastering an art of chocolate cats and foamed milk. 

He broke up with his girlfriend less than a week ago.

Hoseok was driving him insane.

There was hardly anyone he could openly speak up to.

Maybe there was. Maybe there were.

However, it’s Kihyun’s extremely stubborn and prideful sides that didn’t let him keep his guard down. 

These sides fought hard. They didn’t let him be humane... 

Even though, at the end of the day, all of us are humans and everyone has a place for mistakes and bad days... 

Kihyun’s expectations of the world, however, didn’t allow mere human weaknesses force him to his knees.

No, never, only over his dead body. 

When Kihyun finally became aware of his surroundings he noticed someone he would never imagine meeting just 15 meters away.

He couldn’t help but call his name out.


	29. Wind of changes

“Hyungwon?” He somewhat hesitantly half-said half- screamed.

The figure swiftly turned around. 

Hyungwon wore an oversized for his figure black velvet padded jacket and sneakers. 

His hair seemed to have seen better times. 

It was obvious it was styled at the beginning of the day but now it looked unruly. 

His glasses didn’t give him a nerdy look but an overall impression Kihyun read as _tiredness_. 

He frowned but waited for the other anyway.

“Kihyun?” Hyungwon spoke as soon as the other was in a 2-meter distance.

“Yeah.” He looked up. “How are you?”

Hyungwon uncomfortably readjusted his backpack.

“I am good, thanks. What about you?”

Kihyun couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

“You don’t like me.” 

“No.” The air around him immediately changed.

“It’s not like that.” Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair.

“I am an awkward person on a usual basis but if to add a feeling of confliction on top of it I don’t know how to behave. I am sorry if I made you feel this way.” Hyungwon turned on his heel and both of them started walking.

“I cannot help when it comes to Hoseok and all of his wrongdoings.”

Kihyun inspected the taller’s profile. Surprisingly Hyungwon's expression hasn’t change a bit.

“I know. It’s too late anyway.” He mumbled.

“Excuse me?” 

“Nothing.” Hyungwon waved his left hand in the air.

“I haven’t seen you since that time so I wondered.” 

“I was actually thinking of stopping by now.” Hyungwon muttered.

“You don’t need to sweet-talk me.”

“No, really.” Hyungwon looked the other in the eye for the shortest period of time.

“My friend has the biggest sweet tooth I’ve seen anyone to have. 

Your place just happens to be a perfect middle ground along the way. 

Don’t think I sweet talk you because I don’t have any reason to, do I?” 

Hyungwon turned to properly look at Kihyun this time. The older read his smile as a sincere one. 

_Yes, he indeed had no reason to lie to him._

_Hyungwon, Kihyun thought unlike someone he knows is capable of admitting his own feelings without turning it into a Pandora box._

“We have a couple of new cheesecakes on the menu.” 

“Oh.” Hyungwon was silent for a moment or two.

“He likes anything sweet. I don’t think he is picky but I do know he loves chocolate cakes. I can’t remember if he fancies cheesecakes though.” 

“It’s just a piece of cake.” Kihyun straight up laughed.

“I need a favor. He has to be kind to me.” Hyungwon chuckled. “Don’t mind me.”

“No, you are easy to talk to.” Kihyun looked at the other's face.

“Do you mind if I ask you something personal?” Hyungwon asked out of the blue.

_Damn it. Here is comes._

“Sure.”

“Why do you work at a café?”

_Oh._

“I need money.” He shrugged.

“You couldn’t find anything that has something to do with your major?”

“No, not at the moment.”

“I see.” Hyungwon slightly nodded to himself.

“What do you study, Kihyun?”

“Photography.”

Hyungwon’s neck turned so fast Kihyun thought it might snap.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.” Hyungwon said in the end.

“Nothing.” He started to bite on his lip lightly.

_I wonder what Hoseok says when he finds out I talk to him._

_Will he get angry or upset? Neither? Both?_

_He always pretends not to care or maybe he actually doesn’t._

_Why did I stop him?_

_What do I want with him?_

_I want to teach Hoseok a lesson._

_On the other hand, Hyungwon has no reasons to talk to me._

_Unless he is the calculative type like me._

“You are spacing out.” Hyungwon snapped a finger in front of Kihyun’s face.

“Holy s-shit.” 

“Sorry.” The taller laughed out loud.

“I suppose you’re going to work.”

“Yeah.” Kihyun scratched behind his left ear.

“Blurry hearts are still part of the service?” 

“Nope. I am past that point.” Kihyun couldn’t help but snort.

“Listen…”

“You know,-“ 

They spoke at the same time.

“You go first.” Kihyun spoke fastly.

“Nah.” Hyungwon shook his head. “What did you want to ask?”

“I just wanted to ask if we’re good.”

“I don’t think we’re on bad terms though?” The taller asked quizzically.

“Well, you know…”

“If we’re talking about Hoseok I don’t care. I mean I do but you have nothing to do with what we had in the past. It’s my issue. No, it used to be my issue.”

“Cool.”

_He is rather frank or maybe someone who doesn't have a filter?!_

“You don’t like to lose customers, do you?” 

Hyungwon threw his head back and Kihyun saw the way he squinted his eyes as a consequence to a blinding sun.

“Well, you’re a regular.” Kihyun copied the other.

“I haven’t made my mind yet but if you aren’t busy I would like to ask for your services in the near future.”

“Huh?”

“Photography.”

“Oh, of course.” 

It’s been a while Kihyun was excited about anyone’s words.

“I am not sure yet and I don’t know when,-“ 

"But I had this idea and since you happen to be someone I was looking for,-" Hyungwon frowned.

“I am at your service.” Kihyun took his phone out.

“Leave your number.” He smiled as he extended his hand.

“Umm sure.” Hyungwon took the phone hesitantly and typed his number.

“It’s not weird, is it?” He intensely fixed his eyes on Kihyun as he was returning his phone.

“No.”

“Not at all. Let’s go, I will pick the best pieces our store has to offer.”

Kihyun brightly and sincerely smiled for the first time today.

“Okay.” 

_He is just being friendly. There is nothing wrong with it._

_Hoseok won’t hate him for this, will he?_

_Moreover, it’s a great opportunity for him. No matter how small and an insignificant job it might be._

_He will understand._

_He should understand._

_Spring is the time of growth, renewal and apparently it’s time for a wind of changes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It happened involuntarily but... we all know that Wind of Change by Scorpions is timeless.


	30. Low voice

Hoseok awoke from a heavy, dreamless sleep.

He fell asleep on his couch in an uncomfortable position and when he turned to look outside it was already dark outside. 

He reached for his phone that fell on the floor - 9:23 PM

For a while he lied motionlessly, staring at the ceiling.

“I need to pick up Ki in one and a half hours.” 

He tiredly mumbled to himself while running a hand through his hair. 

He sat up and rubbed his left cheek lazily. He was positive he had a pattern that a couch cushion left there. 

He took a hot shower and picked one of the casual outfits.

He blow-dried his freshly washed hair and picked a rather heavy perfume. 

Why was he even trying? He was going out with Kihyun. 

Suddenly a wave of anxiety shuddered over him.

He went to the closet, got his coat, closed the door in a hurry, and jumped over 3 stairs at a time two stories lower.

Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo is the guy who can make everything right. He can save the night.

* * *

_Earlier._

“Hey.” Hyunwoo opened the door.

“Hi.” Hyungwon friendly smiled. “How are you doing?”

“Come on in.” 

“This is for you.” Hyungwon extended his hand. “I was promised they are good.”

“Oh.” The older laughed. “Thanks.”

“How’s the apartment? Do you like it?” 

“Yeah.” Hyungwon squatted to unlace his sneakers. “It’s great, thanks for letting me know.”

“No worries. I suppose it’s been vacant for a while. The ad has been in a foyer for weeks.”

“Tea? Coffee? Beer? Coke?”

“I’ll start with coke, thanks.”

“But you brought cakes.” Hyunwoo confusingly looked at the other.

“It’s for you, you know I am not crazy about sweets.” He snorted as he made his way to the couch.

“Okay.” He shrugged while turning the kettle on.

“I am planning on throwing a small party over the weekend, you’re welcome to come. Will you have time?” 

He turned to look over his left shoulder to take a better look at the older.

“Maybe, we will see.” 

“Listen…” Hyungwon started to trouble his lower lip.

“Yeah?” Hyunwoo plopped on the sofa with a freshly brewed tea and a can of coke. 

“I am listening.” He opened the carton box. 

“These look delicious.” 

“…and somehow familiar.” Hyunwoo added a moment later.

“Are you sure you don’t want a piece?”

“Nah.” Hyungwon shook his head as he opened a can and took a sip.

“So, what did you want to say?” Hyunwoo picked the darkest piece of chocolate cake and took a huge bite.

“I want to come back.”

“Huh?” Hyunwoo turned to look at Hyungwon.

“I want to start practicing again.”

Hyunwoo harshly sighed. “You left.”

“I know.”

“You stood me up at the most inconvenient moment. Do you know how hard it was to find someone to replace you?”

“I know.” Hyungwon’s voice became more quite with every response.

“I don’t want to.” Hyunwoo took another huge bite.

“Hyunwoo…” Hyungwon watched the older to chew on the cake.

“Hyungwon, what was that?

I’ve known you for a couple of years and I’ve never had a reason to doubt you but you screwed me over and for what? 

To want to join the team again a couple of months later?”

When I was asking what is going on your response was - _nothing._

When I was wondering if you’re okay, your response was - _you’re fine._

When I suggested if you wanted to take a break, you said you want to quit and now you want to come back?”

“Really?” Hyunwoo looked at Hyungwon.

Agitated, Hyungwon recrossed his legs. He’d seen this coming, seen this reaction coming and dreaded it.

“I know, and I am really sorry. I am a jerk.” 

“Good that you know.”

Hyunwoo heaved a heavy sigh as he leaned against the couch. 

“I need consistent people in my team. You’re one of the best but I don’t know if I can rely on you anymore.” 

Hyungwon started to eat the inside of his cheek. 

“I understand.” 

Hyunwoo watched the other with curiosity.

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, I think so.” The taller leaned against the couch and threw his head on the back of it.

“I ran away because I couldn’t handle the pressure. 

Now I want to start over because I want to forget which is a pretty lame excuse, to begin with.

You’re completely right, you don’t have a reason to trust me.” 

Hyunwoo frowned and meant to say something but then changed his mind and stopped.

“Do you mind if I accept an offer of beer?” Hyungwon stood up and walked towards the fridge.

“Hyungwon…”

“Please, don’t start with my name in a situation like this. You know it makes me nervous.” Hyungwon laughed awkwardly. 

“I am sorry I put you in an uncomfortable position.” 

He opened the bottle as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

The room fell completely silent.

It was a couple of minutes later when the clock was showing 10.04 PM that both of them became aware that someone was knocking at the door.

Hyunwoo turned to look at Hyungwon who looked at the direction of the door reflexively and back at Hyunwoo.

“I am not waiting for anyone.” Hyunwoo said, perplexed.

“It’s okay.” Hyungwon shrugged while rummaging in his pocket. 

“I’ll go for a smoke.” He made sure he had both a lighter and a cigarette in his hand before walking towards the balcony.


	31. Echo

It was Hoseok.

Hyunwoo must have looked weird because Hoseok raised an eyebrow and laughed at him.

“What’s wrong with you? 

You look like I am about to ask your daughter to marry me and you aren’t sure whether you’re ready to cry or punch me.”

Hoseok tilted his head slightly to the right.

“What are you talking about?” Hyunwoo fixed his eyes on the other.

“Come in but I have a friend over.” 

“Who?” He did and closed the door behind him.

“I’ll introduce you. Why did you come? Do you need anything?”

“Don’t hurt my feelings.” Hoseok pouted.

“It sounds as if I am looking for you only when I need something.”

“Am I wrong?” Hyunwoo laughed out loud airy. 

“Help yourself.” 

The older waved his hand and Hoseok opened the fridge and after not thinking too much he grabbed a can of beer.

“Where is that friend of yours?”

Hoseok went to sit next to Hyunwoo.

“Outside.”

“Oh.” He took a sip of his drink.

“So, what’s up?” Hyunwoo ran a hand through his hair.

“Do you want to go out?”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“I am not in the mood, Hoseok.” 

Hyunwoo reached for another piece of cake.

“Do you want some?” He asked as his mouth was already full.

“I’ll stick to beer, thanks.” He smiled at the picture he had in front of him.

It was at this moment that the door to the balcony opened and Hyunwoo who was blocking Hoseok started to say something like _This is my friend Hoseok_ with his mouth full.

Hyungwon meant to take another swing of his drink but stopped when he finally noticed the other guy.

They looked at each other for a long time.

“What is this supposed to mean?” Hoseok confusingly asked.

Hyungwon blinked twice before greedily emptying the contents of his bottle. When he was done he silently went for another one.

Hoseok looked dumbfounded while Hyunwoo kept on chewing.

“What’s wrong?” The oldest finally spoke.

Hyungwon was already leaning against the kitchen counter and staring straight at Hoseok when Hyunwoo spoke once again.

“Do you know each other?”

Hyungwon stayed silent. Hoseok had to speak up.

“How do you know him?”

“We’re friends.” Hyunwoo seemed confused. “He was my dance teammate.”

“This is ridiculous.” He scowled.

“What’s wrong?” Hyunwoo repeated himself. 

“Nothing.” Hyungwon finally spoke. 

“Everything’s wrong.” Hoseok raised his voice.

“What are you doing here? Why are you here?” He stood up in order to face Hyungwon properly.

Hyungwon seemed unbothered. 

He looked at him intently for a moment or two.

“What?” Hoseok felt scandalized.

“Why do you have to…” He stopped to think over his words but Hyungwon outran him.

“Why do I have to _what_? Do you think I dreamt of finding myself in this situation?” Hyungwon spat sarcastically.

Hyungwon’s thin veil of nonchalance fell apart in a blink of an eye.

“Everywhere I go, everyone I know…” Hoseok stopped for a moment.

“ …you just have to invade that space.” He finished.

“Okay stop.” Hyunwoo said worriedly. “What’s going on?”

“Goddammit.” Hoseok turned away.

“Hyunwoo did you do it on purpose?” Hyungwon laughed out loud.

“Did what?”

“He is my neighbor. The last person on Earth I want to see has to be my neighbor.” Hyungwon sighed.

“I didn’t know you’re friends.”

Hoseok couldn’t help but snort.

“Hurry up and just disappear.” Hoseok ran a hand through his styled hair.

“This isn’t right.” Hyungwon put the bottle on the table and walked to where the other two were.

“You dumped me.” Hyungwon’s voice was calm but strict.

“You don’t get to be mad.” He found Hoseok’s eyes.

“We had a really good thing and you broke the rules. I am angry.” Hoseok turned away.

“Are you for real?” Hyungwon couldn’t believe his ears.

“Hoseok, are you sure you’re right in the head?

I was a good boy. 

I never wanted to piss anyone off.

I was playing by the rules. 

I was trying to make everybody else happy including you.

What have I done to you?

I fell in love when I shouldn’t have?

Was it such an unforgivable thing?

I didn’t mean or want to. 

I want to be happy.

I want to move on.

I blocked you.

I moved away and I thought I can finally start getting over you but it turns out you have to be my fucking neighbor and on top of it we share friends? 

Do you see an issue here?”

Hyungwon raked his fingers through his rumpled hair.

“If you were like this, why did you drag me into it? I was fine.

I made a grave mistake by approaching you.

I don’t want to see you. 

I don’t want to hear your half-assed thoughts and passive-aggressive remarks.” 

“I am tired.” His voice rose with a hysterical edge.

“Hyungwon…” Hoseok called the other with an odd tone in his voice.

The taller waved his words away with a tired hand. “Enough.”

“Hyunwoo, I’d better go.” 

Hyungwon reached the couch to take his phone and without looking at either of them he walked away.

Thirty seconds later the door was opened and shut.

“Hoseok, do you realize what you have done?”

“What?” He turned to look at Hyunwoo. He looked baffled.

“I think you broke him.”

There was a pause.

“It was all along you. It was you.” Hyunwoo openly stared at the other. 

“You cannot toy with him.”

“I-“

“You need to apologize.” Hyunwoo erratically mumbled.

“No, you need to fix this mess.”

“Oh god.” The older covered his mouth.

“It fits. You were all jumpy while he was darker than black.”

“Stop it.” Hoseok muttered to himself.

“He quit not because he wasn’t feeling like it but because of you.” Hyunwoo closed his eyes for a long moment and rubbed his temple with his fingertips.

“Stop.” He said aloud.

“I know, okay?” He turned to look at Hyunwoo.

“Do you think I am that heartless? I don’t want him to be hurt but I don’t know how to do it. I am scared. Why is it so hard?”

“Hard?”

“I don’t want to see him like this. What am I supposed to do?”

Hyunwoo scratched his temple.

“It’s not hard but painful. You know what to do already. If you didn’t you wouldn’t feel this way.”

“What?”

“Hoseok, I think its better you went home.” 

He fetched his phone and after sending a short message he slowly walked in the direction of the bedroom leaving Hoseok all alone.

_"We were just fuck buddies. I knew it would come to an end one day. It's not like I cannot live without him.”_ He mumbled to himself again. 

He wasn’t convinced by these words as much anymore. 

People, by their nature, are weak.

We are tired.

We are scared.

Denying it doesn’t change the truth. It only gives a false sense of security.

However, sooner or later we have to put our denial aside and face the world.

Most of the problems are salvageable, aren’t they?!

It was almost an hour later when Hyungwon noticed a message from Hyunwoo.

_“Be there at 6PM sharp tomorrow.”_


	32. Lost one

The rest of the evening Hyungwon loitered in the nearest little bar that was two blocks from his apartment.

He was silently staring down at his drink when he felt someone’s presence.

“Huh?” 

“Hey.” A guy slid into the chair opposite to him.

“What are you doing here?” 

“I was planning to eat but...” He stopped.

“I might keep you company while I am at it.” The other grinned.

“Sorry, Kihyun I am not in the mood to listen to your heart-wrenching stories.

Moreover, I am in no position to cheer you up.” 

Hyungwon sighed as he leaned against the back of the chair and looked outside the window.

“Why do you think so?” The older tilted his head slightly to the right.

“It’s midnight.” 

A giggly couple left the bar.

“You’re alone and you came to casually eat?” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow.

There was a snort.

“Well, okay, I was stood up but it’s not that deep.” 

He airily laughed while opening the menu.

“By the way.” Kihyun peeked at the other who was rhythmically tapping on the table.

“Yeah?” 

“I am not in the way, am I? I just invaded your space without even aski…”

“It’s alright.” Hyungwon turned to look straight at Kihyun, sheepishly smiling.

“Okay.” The older dived into the menu once again.

_What did he find in Hoseok? This guy is weird. He is weirdly nice._

“I hope you will join me for a drink.” Hyungwon raised his hand. 

“Did you decide?” 

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“What can I get you?” A lady in her 30s asked.

“Two bottles of soju, side dishes you have on the menu today and…” Hyungwoon looked at Kihyun.

“I will have seafood stir fry.” 

“Sure.” She wrote it down and disappeared in the kitchen.

“You will be wasted.” Kihyun laughed as he watched the other playing with the lighter.

“That was the plan. Moreover we have a person who was dumped.” He laughed.

“I wasn’t dumped.” Kihyun protested.

“But you just said…”

“It was a friend.” He smiled.

“Oh.” Hyungwon put the lighter on the table. “Boring.” 

“Sorry.” The older laughed.

“What about you? Why are you drinking alone at this hour?”

“I don’t know.” Hyungwon grumbled.

“I have the first practice in months tomorrow and I couldn’t do better but get drunk.” 

He fisted his right cheek while playing with his glass of soju in another.

“Do you want me to listen to your sob story?” Kihyun smirked.

Hyungwon blearily gazed at Kihyun and back at his drink.

“No, I am fine. You won’t be able to help anyway.” 

He took the shot and put the glass down with a clinging sound.

“It’s worth a shot.” He poured another one for Hyungwon.

“No.” The taller shook his head. 

“Unless you ask your buddy to move out, I don’t think you can help me.” 

He heaved a heavy sigh as passing by group of loud people drew his attention.

“Who do you mean?” Kihyun grabbed one of the pickled radishes. 

“Do I know a lot of your friends?” 

Hyungwon fixed him with what Kihyun thought was dark impression.

“I don’t think I understand.”

“I moved in recently and so it happens the person next door has to be the almighty Hoseok. 

I start to despise him. Or is it me that I become disgusted with?” 

Hyungwon exhailed while ruffling his hair.

“Wait. You moved in next door?” 

Kihyun’s eyes got wide and his mouth fell in a small round 'o’.

Hyungwon nodded.

“Woah.” The other laughed. “That’s destiny.”

“I don’t think so. Someone is punishing me. I am yet to find out who. I don’t think Hyunwoo did it on purpose.”

“Do you know Hyunwoo?” Kihyun stammered.

“What?” Hyungwon stared at the other. 

“Don’t tell me you are also friends.”

“Well yeah.” Kihyun smiled.

“Yes, definitely a punishment.” Hyungwon took another shot.

“Why? I find it a little odd but there is nothing wrong with it.”

“Everything is wrong with it.” Hyungwon snapped.

“I’ve known that guy for long damn months but he never introduced me to neither of his friends.

Neither. None. Zero. 

He never wanted to hang out outside unless it was a bar or a quick bite.

The first thing he asked me when my friend wanted to meet him was whether it was an invitation for a threesome. Can you believe it?” 

Hyungwon kept on mumbling while looking at Kihyun in the reflection of the window.

“I came to like him as a person but in reality, I know nothing about him.

I was never invited to his place. 

He left his stuff around my old place like no one’s business but now I am the bad guy because I didn’t want to continue to be his plaything.”

There was a long pause.

“I am sorry. You’re the last person I should be telling this.” 

Hyungwon took a deep breath and a moment later he was back to tiredly looking at Kihyun.

_Why is he smiling?_


	33. 1AM

“It seems like you were serious.” Kihyun cleared his throat.

“I was. I think he was the first person I wanted to be serious with.” 

Hyungwon drowsily kept on scrutinizing Kihyun’s face.

“Don’t mind me but you aren’t one of his exes or something?”

“No.” The other burst out laughing. 

“We’re friends. Moreover, I don’t switch that way."

Hyungwon nodded.

“I thought so too. I remember dating this or that girl. 

Now that I think about it, I won’t be able to remember all of their names.”

Kihyun looked up at Hyungwon who was blankly staring at the ceiling.

“Yep, I won’t be able to remember all of them even if I try to. Kinda sad. 

Some were imprinted within my memory while the others…”

There was a pause.

“Then there was this guy I found hot and I thought I liked him.

So one day I just went for it. I had to sweat for a little while but I was so smitten with him back then.”

Hyungwon snorted.

“And then I realized it. Damn, I can totally do it with guys. But alas, it didn’t last as long as I would like it.

So, instead of an X number of girls, guys started to mix in from time to time. 

However, I didn’t feel the spark, no one hit me like an electric shock.

The rush people keep on blabbering about wasn’t there.

I sort of gave up and then I went on and picked my own poison.

I thought Hoseok was different.

For the first time in my life, I thought the vows people say… 

What are the words?”

Kihyun saw the other starting to play with his fringe.

“Ah. I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life or something like that, right? 

I thought it was alright to have wishful thinking. That he was my person.

It turns out he is not.

I should shut up.”

Hyunwon lowered his gaze back at Kihyun who looked both dumbfounded and perplexed.

“I feel like I’ve eavesdropped on something I shouldn’t have.” Kihyun blinked at Hyungwon until the other laughed.

“I am sorry, I have different levels of drunk. Let me pour you a drink so you can forget about it.” 

_I don’t think I could even if I wanted to._

Hyungwon grabbed the bottle and poured two shots.

“No.” Kihyun shook his head. “It was a little creepy but beautiful at the same time.” 

“Are you calling me creepy?” Hyungwon laughed out loud.

“I am telling you are a little weird.” 

“Okay, I will take it.” 

They took the shots and one of Hyungwon’s pockets started to buzz.

“Sorry.” He took the phone out. “

“Do you mind…?” He pointed at it buzzing.

“Go ahead.” 

Kihyun waved his hand while cracking his neck on both of his sides and taking his phone out as well, checking the last message he received.

**Hoseok**

[10:09 p.m.]

 _Sorry. Can’t make it today._ was coldly staring back at him.

Kihyun then looked up to peer at the guy opposite the table. 

His posture was relaxed, almost lazy, his eyes were a little red while his expression somber. 

“Bye.” Hyungwon caught Kihyun’s eyes on him as he hung up.

“Sorry.” He put the phone away.

“You know.”

“Yes?” 

“Do you think he is the one?”

“Who?” The taller gazed perplexedly at the other as he was reaching for a cracker.

Kihyun moistured his lips. “Hoseok.”

Hyungwon huffed.

“I don’t know. I am sorry but as you have already guessed I don’t make plans. If there is future…”

He threw it in the mouth and crunched it a couple of times.

“…then it’s great. If not, then whatever. I will get over it. I always do.” He shrugged.

“But you said you’ve never been in love.”

“I did but it doesn’t mean I feel nothing.” He reached for another one.

“You were right, Kihyun. 

I am a damaged product. 

Maybe Hoseok was right to walk away. 

He saved his own time.” 

Hyungwon laughed airily while looking outside the window.

* * *

“I’ve known him for years.” Kihyun broke the silence.

“Hyunwoo knows him since high school but I met him only a little after both of them graduated. 

He is fun so we clicked immediately.” 

There was a pause.

“But I’ve never seen him going steady. 

He was changing partners like gloves. 

At first, he did introduce them but after a couple of years he stopped bothering even with that.”

Hyungwon turned to look at the other.

“Kihyun, you know you shouldn’t be te..”

“Just listen.” He put a hand up in the air to stop Hyungwon from talking.

“I cannot tell his story because it’s not mine. 

As his friend, I always try to protect him. 

I excuse him but he might be reaching his limit. 

He started closing himself even from me. 

He spreads misery because he can’t feel anything.

He tries to manipulate people he can’t handle but he is a good guy.” 

Kihyun heaved a heavy sigh.

“It’s okay.” Hyungwon whispered.

“He is your friend. You love him, you care for him. You’re a good friend.” He pushed the chair and stood up.

“Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom.” Hyungwon walked a little unsteadily towards the restroom.

Kihyun thought he had too much to drink.

Otherwise, there was no reasonable explanation of why he was pouring his soul out to the other.

Not so long ago he himself was sure Hoseok doesn’t like him.

What has changed?

Did his horizon broaden?

It’s been always about Hoseok but what about the other party?

“Do you mind if we call it a day? I think we need to go home.” Kihyun felt Hyungwon’s hand on his right shoulder.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Let’s go home.” 

* * *

“Fresh air, that’s the ticket.” Hyungwon took a couple of deep breaths.

“It’s cold.” Kihyun sniffed and hugged himself.

“It’s almost 1AM, of course it will be cold.” Hyungwon softly laughed.

“Where do you live?”

“Q district.”

“That’s far away.” Hyungwon hummed to himself. “Do you want to stay over?”

“W-what?” The older stuttered.

“I prefer to live alone but people stay over all the time. 

You’re free to say _No_ for your own comfort and reasoning but if you don’t want to wait for another half an hour for the taxi and you're okay with it.” 

Hyungwon stopped in his tracks as he pointed in the direction of his home.

“Coming?”

_Yes, he is a total weirdo._

“Sure.” Kihyun smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With a little delay but CB did happen.
> 
> What are your favorite songs? 
> 
> I did like Zone right off the bat...Chaotic gotta be my second favorite one. 🤔


	34. Who is waking up next to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize in advance.  
> The next three chapters are by far the worst. I tried to rewrite and edit but it's been no use.  
> I've been having a rough time concentrating so the grammar is poor, I dare say shitty. Sorry for that as well.  
> Try to enjoy them if you can. I push them out only because the story does need some clear explanation and I somehow managed to include bits here and there. On the other hand, it's pretty incoherent. uh  
> （＞人＜；）

“Everything is a fraud.” The girl said to Hoseok at the party.

“Everything looks great and bright and glamorous on the covers but in reality? 

They make us starve and turn us against each other. 

As if we are boxers on a ring. Who can endure it for the longest time? ” She was shouting at him over the music.

Her voice was low and she was very tall, almost Hoseok’s height. 

And she was beautiful, he noticed. He understood why she was a model. 

„I am tough. I always get what I want from them, you know.”

It was pretty obvious she was trying to pick him up.

Hoseok hadn’t slept with anybody since that girl he met at the frat party. 

No, after that there was Hyungwon.

He cursed inside his mind.

“Do you want another drink? “ Hoseok asked in the end.

“Well, sure.” She laughed. “Why not?.”

He grabbed her by the hand and lead to the bar. 

Dazed, half-dreaming Hoseok woke up to a foreign view. Again.

Again, he wasn’t in his bed and the girl who was chatting him up several hours ago was sound asleep next to him.

Again, he was disoriented and didn't know where he was.

In the end, he slips in a pair of pants that were lying on the floor, buttons his shirt without care, and leaves the flat with little to no observations. 

He stopped looking around people's flats he has no intentions to know.

He walked through the mist of the freezing cold morning, mind oddly blank.

* * *

Kihyun groaned and turned on his back at a sound of distant knocking. 

He lazily opened his eyes and screwed them up immediately. The sun was too bright for his liking.

The knocking became louder.

He blinked a couple more times until he became aware of his surroundings. 

It wasn’t his apartment. He sat up in surprise.

“Right, Hyungwon.” He mumbled to himself.

The knocking turned into banging. 

He found his nicely folded pants he left on the armchair and put them on. 

He didn’t bother with a shirt as he leisurely walked towards Hyungwon’s bedroom that was in the furthest part of the flat.

“Hyungwon.” He was rubbing his left eye when he opened the door. 

“There is someone at the door.” He said a little louder than a whisper.

There was no reply.

“Hyungwon.” He spoke louder.

If Hyungwon heard the other, he didn't respond.

“Hyungwon.” Kihyun said even louder while cautiously approaching his bed. “Wake up.”

The other didn’t budge.

“Hey.” Kihyun walked to Hyungwon’s side of the bed and slightly touched him by the shoulder.

“Mmm.” The other mumbled while pulling the blankets around him closer to his face.

“Hey.” Kihyun slid the blanket off of the other. “There is someone at the door.”

“Five more minutes.” Hyungwon’s voice was hoarse.

“I don’t think you have them.”

“Can you please open the door?” He slowly turned on his back, his eyes still closed.

“No?!” Kihyun said, perplexed.

The banging became even more obnoxious.

“You’re so weird, Hyungwon.” 

Kihyun scratched the back of his head and without waiting for the response went to open the door.

* * *

“What took you so long?” The voice whined as he pushed through the door faster than Kihyun could react.

“Huh.” Minhyuk blinked in surprise.

“Who are you?” He asked confusingly as he eyed him from head to toe.

He looked at Kihyun who was barefoot, having only his pants on. 

He was shirtless and he was sure his hair was a mess. 

He thought he couldn’t look any more awkward.

“Wait.” Minhyuk pointed a finger at the other. “You’re the barista.” 

He walked inside and closed the door behind him, taking his shoes off. His eyes were trained on the other.

“Oh yeah.” A couple of flashbacks flickered in front of Kihyun’s eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Minhyuk took a step forward while eyeing the flat.

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon’s morning husky voice grumbled from the back of the flat. “Stop your interrogations.” 

He walked down the hall while running a hand through his hair, yawning.

“What? Do you sleep with him now as well?” Minhyuk yelled surprisingly but Kihyun felt a note of sarcasm in there.

“W-what?” Kihyun stuttered.

“What the fuck.” Hyungwon banged on the wall. “Get out of here if this is the only thing you’ve got to say.” 

If just a second ago he was giving off a sleepy, lazy aura now he looked serious, sharp.

“I am sorry, Kihyun. He is an idiot.” Hyungwon went into the kitchen that was connected with the living room and began to open and shut cabinets.

Kihyun looked at Minhyuk who looked rather distressed as he was furiously biting on his lower lip. 

In the end, he shut his eyes tight and took a deep breath.

The next thing he knows the guy was looking at him, extending his hand.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to. I don’t think we got to introduce each other the last time. My name is Minhyuk.” 

“Kihyun?” He extended his hand, baffled.

Then, Kihyun watched the guy briskly walk towards Hyungwon, hugging him from the back.

“Fuck off.” Hyungwon elbowed the other.

“I am sorry.” Minhyuk tried to have others’ attention.

“That’s not how you apologize, Minhyuk.” 

“I am sorry, Wonnie. I didn’t mean to offend you.” He pinched the other on the cheek.

“The hell.” The taller grumbled.

“Coffee?” Hyungwon turned to look straight at Kihyun who was awkwardly standing in the hall.

“Sure.” 

“Don’t bother with _this_.” 

Hyungwon’s eyes flickered towards Minhyuk. 

“ _It’s_ leaving soon. Take a seat and make yourself at home.” 

“ _It_?” Minhyuk wheezed. “Hyungwon-ah, you cannot do this to me.”

“Yes, I can. God, why do you have to be like this?” 

Kihyun was listening to Hyungwon’s weirdly sharp yet soothing voice as he plopped on the couch again, this time finding his shirt and putting it on, reaching for the phone next.


	35. Come undone

The next time Kihyun becomes aware of the other two, Minhyuk is sitting ridiculously close to him, openly staring. 

Hyungwon sits in the armchair next to the couch, putting three cups of coffee.

“I hope you aren’t too upset with Minhyuk. He doesn’t have a filter.” 

“Why would I?” Kihyun chuckled as he put the phone away and reached for the coffee.

“I think you should be the one being upset.”

“Right?” Hyungwon smiled. 

“My friend thinks I am a whore. Tragic.”

“Hyungwon-n.” Kihyun noticed the guy who was sitting next to him flinching visibly.

“While we are at it.” Hyungwon looked at Minhyuk.

“Do you know who happens to be my neighbor?” 

Kihyun thickly swallowed.

“Who?” Minhyuk raised an eyebrow.

“Try to guess.” Hyungwon took a sip of his coffee, eyes trained on the older.

“I don’t know?”

“Hoseok.”

Minhyuk grimaced. “You’re fucking with me.”

“I wish.”

Kihyun watched the tallest awkwardly smile.

“Oh.” Hyungwon gazed at Kihyun.

“I am throwing a welcoming party tomorrow. If you don’t have anything better to do, please come.” 

“Ah.” Kihyun breathed out.

“Why?” Minhyuk whined.

“You don’t have to come.” He looked at Minhyuk.

Kihyun noticed Minhyuk’s pained expression.

“You can be pretty mean, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk mumbled.

“Oh yeah? I wonder what I should be saying about you then.” Hyungwon scoffed.

“I am worried about you.” It came a little louder than a whisper.

“Stop it.” Hyungwon stood up and walked to find a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Without saying another word he went to have a cigarette on the terrace.

_Kihyun felt awkward and out of place. Extremely out of place._

_He shouldn’t be here._

_He shouldn’t be eavesdropping on their personal relationship._

_They are not even his friends, damn in._

“Stop it.” Kihyun broke the silence.

“It’s a bad habit.” He put his hand on Minhyuk’s left one. He was erratically biting on his fingernail.

Minhyuk’s eyes widened as he turned to look straight at Kihyun. “Why are you here?”

“I met him by chance yesterday. We had a couple of drinks and he offered to stay over. Nothing of what might be crossing your mind.” Kihyun chuckled.

“Why did it have to be you?”

“You don’t like me, do you?” Kihyun kept on looking at the other.

“You’re friends with Hoseok.”

“Is it a sentence? You won’t be able to see through it?”

“Hyungwon can be cold but he is a kind soul. I don’t think he would let himself be fooled but I don’t understand…”

Minhyuk’s words trailed off as he started to chew on his nail again.

“Come on.” Kihyun slapped his hand. “You aren’t a kid.”

Minhyuk stayed silent for a moment or two.

“And by the way, Hoseok isn’t that bad.” Kihyun couldn’t let his friend be torn to shreds. Hoseok is a good guy. 

Minhyuk scowled.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Minhyuk’s tone changed.

“Why? Are you that eager to protect your friend?”

“Are you saying Hyungwon is at fault?”

“No, what I am saying it should stay between them.”

Minhyuk shook his head.

“No. Hoseok is the worst that could happen to Won. I wish I knew about him earlier.”

“Would it change anything?”

“I would be able to talk him out of this relationship.”

“You sound as if you know something.” Kihyun slightly leaned over to take a better look at the other.

“I know a thing or two.”

“Hah?”

“How long do you know him?”

“Does it matter?” Kihyun felt defensive.

“Back in high school.” Minhyuk started but then stopped for a brief moment.

“Did you know one of Hoseok’s hobbies back in high school was outing gay kids?” 

Minhyuk looked straight at Kihyun.

“And by that I mean he outed me. How?

Well, we were fucking and a bunch of morons happened to peep on us. 

And by morons, I mean his friends. He had pretty shitty friends back then.”

Kihyun’s eyes got wide and his mouth fell open into a small round ‘o’.

“Sometimes I think about why I was the only one being bullied." 

Minhyuk was smiling but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“No.” Kihyun said after a moment too long.

“That can’t be true.”

“Whatever floats your boat, buddy.” Minhyuk leaned against the couch.

Kihyun kept his eyes on the other guy. 

He had a hard time stomaching the information.

“How long?” 

“What?” Minhyuk was looking outside the window wall. Kihyun guessed he was watching Hyungwon who was leisurely pacing back and forth outside.

“How long had you been together?”

“A year or so, maybe you don’t know him as good as you think you do.”

At this Kihyun saw Hyungwon opening the door.

“What’s up with this doomy atmosphere?” He questioned.

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon tiredly muttered. “What did you do?”

“Nothing.” Kihyun looked up at Hyungwon. “We were just chatting.”

Minhyuk snorted.

“Does Hyungwon know?” Kihyun leaned to whisperer in Minhyuk’s left ear.

Minhyuk shook his head.

Kihyun wasn’t sure why he asked.

His mind was becoming a little mushier with every passing moment. A few screws went loose.

He was preoccupied with a state of incredulity.

He refused to believe it but he had no reason to deny it either.

_He needed to talk to Hoseok. ___

___He needed to hear that this Minhyuk guy is wrong. ____ _

____“Are you alright?” Kihyun felt someone’s presence next to him._ _ _ _

____The other was too close. He was within Kihyun’s comfort zone. He jerked away._ _ _ _

____“I am sorry, I didn’t want to scare you.” Hyungwon pulled back. “Minhyuk did something, didn’t he?”_ _ _ _

____The shorter turned around and noticed that space next to him was empty._ _ _ _

____In the corner of his eyes, he saw a red-haired guy rummaging through Hyungwon’s fridge._ _ _ _

____“No.” Kihyun croaked._ _ _ _

____“No.” He waved the words away._ _ _ _

____“He didn’t do anything, really.” Kihyun met Hyungwon’s eyes._ _ _ _

_____Why does he look so genuinely worried?_ _ _ _ _

_____Why is he worried about him if the only thing Kihyun can think about is that one of his friends is a blatant liar?!_ _ _ _ _

_____He wants to believe it. He needs to believe it otherwise it doesn’t make sense._ _ _ _ _

_____So why does he look so upset?_ _ _ _ _

____Kihyun takes a deep breath, pushes out a heavy sigh._ _ _ _

____“I am sorry, I need to take care of something.” He stands up to collect his things while Hyungwon lets his eyes follow him._ _ _ _

____“Sure.” Hyungwon mulls something for the briefest moment._ _ _ _

____“Think about the invitation. Minhyuk is childish but he is not a bad guy. I am sure you will like the others as well. Moreover…”_ _ _ _

____At this Kihyun turned to look at Hyungwon._ _ _ _

____“Hyunwoo might stop by as well. You won’t be left out.”_ _ _ _

____Kihyun let his eyes trail towards Minhyuk who was leaning against the kitchen counter, arms crossed on his chest._ _ _ _

____He didn’t look mean or angry. He seemed cautious._ _ _ _

____And what Kihyun thought was a little lonely._ _ _ _

____It didn’t make any damn sense._ _ _ _

____Kihyun’s head was about ready to combust._ _ _ _

____He had to get out of here as soon as possible._ _ _ _

____“I will think about it.” He managed._ _ _ _

____“Thank you. I had fun.” Hyungwon's lips softly curved upwards._ _ _ _

____“Yeah.” Kihyun put on his jacket and a moment later he was out the door._ _ _ _


	36. A broken mess

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk said weakly as soon as the other guy was outside the door. 

The taller guy harshly sighed.

“I am sorry Hyungwon-ah.” Minhyuk approached the other.

“Why are you here?” Hyungwon turned around to take the other’s features in.

“I missed you.” He wrapped his hands around Hyungwon’s waist but the other pulled back, reaching the couch and falling on it heavily next.

Minhyuk went to sit next to him, keeping a distance greater than he anticipated.

“Why are you getting familiar with this guy?” He changed the topic. 

Hyungwon shrugged. “It was a coincidence, really. He is nice though. You will like him.”

“I don’t want to.” Minhyuk cut the other off.

“Why?”

Minhyuk ignored the question.

“How did it happen you moved in next to Hoseok?” He asks instead.

“Like, does he live in the same building? Did you see him?”

“No.” Hyungwon shook his head.

He turned to look straight at Minhyuk. The elder’s heart started to ache dully.

“He lives in the apartment next to mine. 515” Hyungwon said painfully.

“Oh, Hyungwon-ah.” 

“I am exhausted, Minhyuk. 

The last thing I want is you drilling me. 

If you don’t like my ways around maybe you should stay away for a while. 

I cannot handle your passive aggressiveness right now.” 

He let his head fall against the back of the couch.

“I am sorry.” Minhyuk wrapped his arms around Hyungwon’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s Hoseok. Everything is his fault.” 

He whispered while inhaling Hyungwon’s faint smell of cigarettes that lingered on his clothes.

Minhyuk thought the other would push him away by the way his body tensed but he didn't. On the contrary, Hyungwon became a little softer under Minhyuk's own body.

“I went to see Hyunwoo yesterday.” Hyungwon muttered after a little while.

“Who?” 

“The choreographer.”

“Oh, the hottie.” Minhyuk snorted. “I like the way he moves his hips on all of the videos. Too bad you never introduced me.”

“Yeah, that one.” Hyungwon started to lightly brush Minhyuk’s hair. “He is friends with Hoseok.”

Minhyuk stiffened.

“Hoseok has always been so secretive. He never let me inside his circle of friends. I didn't even know where he lives and look at how it turned out. 

Do you think it’s my fault? I didn’t show enough interest in him.” Hyungwon's voice was devoid of any emotion.

Minhyuk pulled back to look straight at Hyungwon.

“You did nothing wrong.” Minhyuk’s breath hitched.

“He is the one to blame.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you. What happened between you two?” 

Hyungwon became a little curious about them. 

On the other hand, why does he care? He shouldn’t pry in other people’s business. 

Hyungwon can get a rough idea of what could have happened between Hoseok and Minhyuk.

“No, it’s okay. I am sorry. I actually don't want to know.” He reached for his phone to see a couple of unread messages from Minji and Changkyun.

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk’s voice was serious. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you love him?”

Hyungwon flinched. “I don’t know. Maybe, but it’s all in the past.”

“But you will be seeing him more often.” Minhyuk said gravely.

“I don’t think so.”

“So it doesn’t bother you that a single wall separates you two? Is it ok?”

"It's okay."

"Why is it okay with you? Why aren't you angry?"

"That's not the last feeling I want to experience. I just want to let him go peacefully."

“I will get over it.” He started to type something.

“Hyungwon.” 

He locked the phone and threw it on the table but didn’t say anything.

“Are you in pain?” Minhyuk asked a little louder than a whisper.

“Is this how Kihyun found you? 

Did he find you in a random bar drinking your sorrow away in complete solitude?” 

Minhyuk stared at the way the other swallowed.

“Is this so?” Minhyuk sighed.

“Why didn’t you call someone?”

“Because it’s stupid.” Hyungwon muttered.

“My feelings are futile. They have no destination. I should just forget.”

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk meekly managed.

“That’s why I don’t do relationships.” 

Hyungwon harshly laughed and it startled Minhyuk.

“Emotions delude. It’s useless, really.”

“No.” Minhyuk shook his head.

“You just need the right person. Hoseok is not that person.”

* * *

Kihyun cautiously passed by Hoseok’s apartment and walked a couple of floors down. 

He took a sharp breath before stopping in front of Hyunwoo’s flat.

After what he thought was eternity he knocked at the door.

“Ki?” The other guy opened the door. His hair was wet.

“Sorry, do you have a minute?” His voice was odd.

“Yeah?” He let the shorter guy in.

“Why didn’t you call?” 

Kihyun went to sit on the sofa with a loud thud.

“I am conflicted.” He muttered.

“What’s wrong?”

“Hyungwon.”

“Oh.” Hyunwoo stopped drying his hair as he went to sit next to Kihyun.

“I found out about it just yesterday.” 

“It was earlier for me.”

“Ah.” Hyunwoo breathed out.

“He was just a stranger. I didn’t care.” 

“Did something happen?”

“I went to eat to this nearby bar yesterday after Hoseok stood me up and saw him there. We had a drink.” Kihyun stopped for a second. “He let me stay over.”

Hyunwoo snorted as he was rubbing under his chin.

“Is it weird?”

“Do you know how I know Hyungwon?” Hyunwoo asked instead.

“He is one of your dancers, isn't he?”

Hyunwoo nodded.

“I’ve known him for a couple of years. 

He is one of the best guys out there. 

He quit a couple of months ago. Do you know why?”

Kihyun shook his head.

“Hoseok.” Rolled off Hyunwoo’s tongue. 

"Hyungwon is a little bratty but he was very hardworking. You cannot imagine how I felt when I put two and two together. I have no idea what Hoseok did to him in order to make him quit just like that."

Kihyun read his tone as mean.

“He was asking me to let him join again when Hoseok stopped by. Hoseok was pretty upset to find out we know each other.”

Kihyun thickly swallowed.

“Do you know Minhyuk?” He asked in a small voice.

“His ex?" 

Kihyun nodded.

“I saw him just a while ago. He said something and I don’t know how I should be taking it.”

“They were dating back in high school. It’s been years.” Hyunwoo shrugged.

“Did you know?” He turned to look at Hyunwoo for the first time.

“Did I know what?”

“That he outed him?”

Hyunwoo’s eyes widened in surprise. “Is this how he told you?”

“He said Hoseok’s friends caught them.”

“It’s true.” Hyunwoo nodded.

“I mean they weren’t his real friends. 

Hoseok didn’t have a good judgment of people back then.”

“So it’s true.” Kihyun said shockingly.

“I am not sure what the guy told but you need to hear Hoseok out. 

You must be conflicted and he did a couple of mistakes back then but they don’t identify him as a person.”

“I didn’t know.”

Kihyun drags his gaze away from Hyunwoo and it settles on a random object of choosing. It happened to be a turned-off TV.

They were quiet for a long time. 

As he was watching Hyunwoo's silhouette on the TV screen he could smell a tang of his shampoo. 

Hoseok, however, was the only one who occupied his mind. 

He decided not to come to any conclusion in a state of mental confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, you've made this far. Sigh~


	37. There is no tomorrow

The sky was turning the color of cold shades of blues and purples, turning murky as Hoseok headed for the place he and Kihyun fancies.

He didn’t pay too much attention to the tone of the message.

It was brief and rather demanding but Hoseok assumed the other was simply pouting. At the end of the day, he did stand him up the night before.

He made a mental note to be benevolent towards the younger. 

He climbed up spiral stairs to the second floor where a small but cozy semi bar semi restaurant was situated. 

Kihyun was there. 

He spotted him right away at their usual spot in the corner by the window. It was roomier and a little more private than the rest of the tables.

He ignored the way his posture was poised, almost alert as he gave his jacket to the waiter and headed towards the table. 

“Hey.” Hoseok patted the younger on the shoulder before slipping into the chair across the table.

“Hello.” Kihyun gazed straight at Hoseok and back at his phone, locking and putting it away a moment later.

“How are you?” Hoseok cheekily smiled, sensing there was something wrong with the other.

“Fine.”

“Great.” He reached for the menu and started to flip through it mindlessly. 

“Did you order?” He asked without looking up.

“Whisky.”

Hoseok shuddered. He remembered numerous whiskeys on the rocks he emptied just the night before. 

“I think I want a beer.” He glanced up at Kihyun who just shrugged, he wasn’t looking at him.

“What about food?”

“Later.”

There was a long silence.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” The older spoke after ordering a drink.

“Honestly, there are so many questions I would like to ask and I try to sort them out but it seems it’s just useless.” 

Kihyun mumbled while harshly sighing, falling deeper into the chair. He was finally facing the other.

“W-what?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think I understand.”

Kihyun shrugged.

“I expect you to be honest.”

“About?”

“Minhyuk.” 

Hoseok pushed a heavy sigh that turned into a snort.

“Who did you hear it from?”

“Minhyuk himself.” Kihyun dragged his gaze to the waiter who brought their drinks.

He didn’t speak until he was out of earshot.

“At any rate, I know it’s none of my business but I cannot overlook the situation since I already know about it. Hyunwoo was reluctant to speak up so here I am.”

He took a sip of his drink.

Hoseok’s gaze was intense. “I am just trying to understand how you stumbled upon him.” He said calmly.

“He came over while I was at Hyungwon’s. No, -“The other interrupted Hoseok whose jaw might just hit the table at any moment.

“I met him by chance after you stood me up yesterday. It was too late so he asked me to stay over.” Kihyun slightly waved his hand.

"Did you -," Hoseok closed his mouth, swallowing. “It’s none of my business.” He muttered in the end.

“Yes, but we are friends. I actually beat myself up wondering how you will take it. And by that, I mean hanging out with your ex.”

“He is not my -,” but he was interrupted once again.

“Whatever.” Kihyun rolled his eyes while reaching for the glass.

“Don’t you want to know what happened?” Hoseok asked instead.

“Yes.” Kihyun laughed. “Yes, I do. Tell me.” 

Hoseok doesn’t go around bragging about his relationships with other people but he is confident in Kihyun. 

They clicked immediately and their bond has been getting only tighter with every passing year.

They do fight from time to time but it’s not nearly as bad. 

Today is different. Hoseok sees it in Kihyun’s eyes. 

The way he looks at him. As if he is ready to walk away at any second.

“What did Minhyuk tell him?” Hoseok was thinking to himself.

In all honesty, he was dying to know why he ended up with Hyungwon but since he decided to forget about Chae Hyungwon as he sealed his name and pushed it in the furthest drawer of his mind, in the smallest box in his heart -

Hoseok is annoyed with himself at the mere curiosity. He pushes it back. 

“What did Minhyuk say?” He asks instead. 

“I want to hear it from you. It doesn’t matter what he said.” The other said dryly.

So Hoseok did. A bit.

“We attended the same school but since he was a junior I didn’t come to contact with him. 

I noticed him only after he started tagging some other guy to the musical wing. 

I spent most of my free time after school either there or in the archery club with Hyunwoo, but I am sure you know it.”

Kihyun slightly nodded.

“So yeah, I guess we started flirting or whatever. We ended up dating. 

It didn’t last too long and then we broke up. It was pretty bad and it was my fault but -,” 

Hoseok shrugged. “I don’t know what to add to that.” Nonetheless, his heart became a whole lot heavier.

Kihyun looked up at him, gaze oddly blank.

“He claimed you outed him. 

In the most casual manner, he said he was bullied because of you and your friends who caught you in the act at that time.”

His voice was flat, devoid of any emotion. 

Hoseok thickly swallowed.

“Is this how he told you the story?” Hoseok whispered.

“Yes. That’s what he thinks about you.”

Hoseok closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Who are these friends? Do I know them?”

“No.” Hoseok shook his head. “I haven’t kept in touch with them.”

“I didn’t want this, really.” The older reached for the bottle and took a greedy gulp. 

“We were kids back then, stupid and adventurous. 

We took it slowly but after half a year or so we became bolder and by that I mean we started to fuck in school. I guess both of us were into kinky shit. 

It was a coincidence that Hyun and the rest happened to look for me when we -,” 

“I am not interested in that part of the story. I want to know why he thinks you outed him and then enjoyed mocking him.” Kihyun snapped.

“But I didn’t.”

“He thinks you did and I don’t want to listen to something like you were unaware or some other second rate bullshit.”

Hoseok grimaced.

“I chickened out. They thought he seduced me and I let them think so. I didn’t see him afterward.

No, actually we did talk once or twice after that. 

The last time it was when he stopped by my house. He was mad as fuck. 

He yelled at me for 20 minutes and then walked away. 

I stopped going to that wing and I thought that’s how it ended.

The school was big and since we were of different age it was easy to not come across each other. I didn’t know he was bullied.”

“What have you done?” Was the only thing that Kihyun managed to say.

“You tell me.” To his own utter surprise, Hoseok laughed out loud while leaning against the chair.

“Hoseok.” Kihyun said miserably.

“You don’t need to say anything. You can go. I can tell you want to let that sink in.” 

Hoseok tried to sound nonchalant as he reached for his beer and finished it at last.

“Yeah.” The other spoke barely above a whisper. “I guess it’s for the best.”

In a minute chair opposite him was empty.

Eleven minutes later Hoseok paid the check. 

Twenty-three minutes later he bought a pack of cigarettes.

An hour later he ended up in a popular bar.

_Human relationships get messy. Feelings get hurt. Who needs it?_


	38. Bad/perfect timing

It was already late when Hyungwon left the studio.

It was a Friday night, but the weather was bad so the street was nearly deserted.

He looked up as the chilly sky that was growing even darker and the moon that was rising higher. The air smelled faintly of rain. 

Hyungwon didn’t mind the piercing wind and mist that was accumulating in the air. 

He didn’t mind the possibility he might not make it home before it starts pouring. He didn’t mind.

For once, it seems in a long period of time he feels content.

His muscles are aching but it’s a good pain.

His mind hasn’t been clearer since it seems like forever.

And nothing can change it or so he thought.

* * *

It was around 1 AM later that night, Hyungwon fresh out of the shower when his phone rang.

_Hello?_

Hyungwon ran a hand over his face while looking in the mirror.

_Hey, you're up._

_Minji._ Hyungwon smiled to himself. _How are you doing?_

_Good._

He could hardly hear her. _Where are you?_

 _Out._ She said curtly.

Hyungwon unconsciously started to tap on the edge of the sink.

_Can you pick me up?_

_Are you drunk?_ He snorted.

_A little._

Hyungwon looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall. _Where are you?_

After the girl told the name of the bar he threw on a black oversized hoodie, slipped on a pair of dark pants and headed out, grabbing a set of keys he doesn’t frequently use.

He had an old Toyota. It was his dad’s.

Hyungwon has never been manic considering cars.

As long as it works and transports him from A to B he couldn’t complain. 

He parked half a block further from the bar hoping cops wouldn’t tow it away in the meantime.

He walked into the bar slowly, letting his senses to adjust to loud music and obnoxious neon lights.

He brushed against a couple of drunk girls who took an opportunity to pat him on the ass and one extremely wasted guy. 

It was a miracle he was standing on his own feet.

After a couple of minutes of wondering, he spotted Minji by the bar. Another two guys were towering over her. 

Hyungwon grimaced, there was a bad aftertaste in his mouth. He hurried to where she was.

“Minji.” He called out.

The girl turned around. Her face was flushed and radiant.

“Hey.” She brightly smiled.

“So she wasn’t lying.” One of the guys clicked his tongue.

Hyungwon took his time to lock his eyes with each of them.

“Don’t let your girlfriend wonder alone.” One of the guys patted Hyungwon on the shoulder as both of them got lost in the crowd.

Hyungwon’s corners of the mouth twitched.

“Thank you.” She was lazily blinking at Hyungwon, sheepishly grinning.

“Why are you alone?” Hyungwon leaned against the bar, eyeing the girl.

“I was with a friend. I lost her.” She leaned in to kiss him in the right corner of his mouth. “Do you want to have a drink?”

Hyungwon shook his head. “I am driving.”

She nodded while reaching for her cosmo.

Do you often get harassed?

“Not when I am with friends.” She leaned her cheek on her closed fist, laughing. 

“Don’t let it happen again.” Hyungwon started to rake his fingers gently through her hair. 

It was at this moment that Hyungwon’s eyes landed on a familiar silhouette. A face he would recognize anywhere, under any circumstances.

“Hoseok.” Hyungwon mumbled as his hand froze in the air.

“Your friend?” The girl figured his trajectory of vision.

He was looking at the guy who was half-asleep slumped over his drink in the darkest corner of the bar. 

Hyungwon ignored the remark.

“Are you ready?” He said the moment Minji took the last sip of her drink.

The girl nodded and Hyungwon helped her out of the stool, wrapping his hand around her slender wrist and leading towards the exit. 

He didn’t spare the other guy a second look.

* * *

Once in a car, Minji slumped into the seat, sighing and mumbling something incoherent.

Hyungwon reached for his phone and looked at the time - 1:33 AM.

He knows Hyunwoo had a date after the practice. He decided not to disturb him.

Kihyun! A light bulb went on his head.

He dialed the number and patiently waited while blankly looking forward.

It must’ve rung at least a dozen times but there was no answer.

It came as no surprise.

No one in their right mind would pick up half strangers’ calls at such ungodly hour.

He started to trouble his lower lip when he heard someone calling his name.

“Hyungwon-ah?” 

“Sorry.” He looked at her. “I am just wondering if – “

“It’s okay.” She lazily smiled.

“Go get him.” She made herself more comfortable in the seat.

“He looked like he would pass out at any moment.” She covered her eyes with both of her forearms.

For a split of a second, he contemplated whether he should come clean and say who the other guy is. Would Minji mind? Does she even care? He didn’t.

“Okay.” He muttered at last. “I’ll be fast.”

* * *

Hyungwon strode back to the bar, back to where Hoseok was. It seemed he didn't move from the last time he'd seen him.

He gently patted him on the shoulder.

The other didn’t reply, only raised his right hand in a small waving gesture.

Hyungwon tried again. This time more persistent. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Hoseok looked at Hyungwon glassily. 

His expression was completely blank, and something about it made Hyungwon uneasy. He was so drunk he didn’t even recognize him.

“Let’s go home.” The taller whispered to no one in particular as he wrapped his hands around Hoseok.

“Fuck off.” Hoseok tried to kick and tear himself free but his body didn’t listen to him.

It was a shallow fight. 

He let himself be dragged outside and back to the car.

Hyungwon helped the older to the back seat while Minji was having a giggling fit.

“Stop laughing. You don’t look any better.” Hyungwon tiredly smiled while sitting behind the wheel, starting the engine next.

Even though Hyungwon was planning on bringing Minji back with him he felt relieved hearing she wanted to go home. 

He dropped her off and after making sure she entered her apartment building he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

He readjusted his rearview mirror as his gaze fell on Hoseok’s limp body. 

The older was sleeping, no, cross that out, he was blacked out.

Hyungwon couldn’t help but wonder why he had to drink to the point of passing out.

Not that he had any right to judge or at this point to even merely care.

He grabbed a steering wheel with both of his hands, started up the engine, and headed home.


	39. Dim lights

After parking the car, Hyungwon reluctantly dragged his feet to the back of it, opening the door and looking at the sleeping guy.

He was staring at the other for a long and deliberate moment, feeling his own heart becoming heavier with every passing second.

 _Should I search his pockets and send him home?_ He troubled his lower lip as he eyed Hoseok.

 _No._ He shook his head. _It would be trespassing._

_He didn’t trust me enough when we were in some sort of relationship. What makes me think I can do so right now?_

He closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath.

“Alright, Hoseok be good a boy and help me a little, alright?”

He muttered to himself as he wrapped his hands around the older guy, starting to help him out of the car.

“Hoseok.” Hyungwon struggled since the other was unconscious hence considerably heavier.

“Hoseok, come on. Open your eyes.” 

There was an indistinct grunt.

“Come on, move your feet.” He made Hoseok wrap his right hand around his shoulder while he half hugged him, closing and locking the car in the process.

“Are you with me?” Hyungwon huffed while making their way towards the elevator. 

The other made no response as his head was drooping. Nonetheless, he did make an effort to move his legs.

Once on the fifth floor, Hyungwon rummaged for his keys, opening swiftly the door, taking off his shoes next.

“Hoseok, take your shoes off, Hoseok!” Hyungwon hardly managed to lock the door as the other started to slide down the wall.

“Jesus Christ, I haven’t seen someone this drunk in a while.” 

He muttered to himself in distress as he took Hoseok’s shoes off for him and once again helped him to his bedroom.

Hoseok fell on the bed with a thud, semi-comatose. 

Hyungwon let his gaze study Hoseok’s motionless, lifeless body. 

There was a dull ache piercing his already barely held heart together.

Swaying slightly with fatigue that overcame him due to the flood of emotions, Hyungwon started to help the older guy out of his clothes. 

He unbuckled his belt and started to drag his pants down when Hoseok started to stir.

“Don’t.” He mumbled while trying to put them back on. 

“I don’t want to.” He whined as he turned to his side, gripping on his denim.

“Hoseok, I won’t do anything.” Hyungwon blinked at the other, shell-shocked.

“Stop.” Hoseok mumbled once again before finally letting go.

Hyungwon ended up taking his pants off and helping him out of his leather jacket.

He contemplated whether he should take his shirt off as well but in the end, he let it be. 

After covering him with a blanket and laying his clothes on the drawer he tiptoed towards the hall. 

He almost closed the door when Hoseok started to rumble through his sleep again.

“Don’t go.” Echoed within the quiet of the room.

Hyungwon stared at the figure on his bed. He felt a tingly feeling that rushed through his entire body.

Hyungwon shook whatever thoughts he started to develop away. He was positive the other was just incoherently mumbling to himself.

He then proceeded to close the door but Hoseok spoke once again.

Hyungwon heard a mix of _Please_ and _Don’t leave me_.

Hyungwon bit his bottom lip as he tried to stop tears that were welling up in his eyes.

Sirens were ringing in his head. They were screaming to turn away, to close the door and not to come near him.

Will Hoseok even remember what happened? Will he even care? 

Hyungwon is ready to throw himself away with a mere snap of Hoseok's fingers. But what about the other? 

If Hyungwon says he needs the other. Will he come? Will he take his hand?

Hyungwon bit his lip until he thought it started bleeding. He felt his heart racing in his chest as his mouth went dry.

"No." He huffed out a short sigh. "No, he wouldn't."

This is not the way it should be. 

The ship he is on is burning. 

His feelings for the other are burdensome, they burn him from the inside and simultaneously drag him down. Drag him underwater.

Hyungwon is not sure how long he will be able to stay afloat.

He can feel the suffocating vacuum filling him from the inside. 

It doesn't matter what Hyungwon says. 

It doesn't matter what Hyungwon feels because the moment Hoseok appears in front of his eyes his free will is taken away. 

When will he learn?

His eyes flicker towards the older.

Hoseok has many stages of drunk. 

Usually, he is happy go lucky persona but Hyungwon learned he can be quite moody which can make him a depressive drunk. 

Hyungwon didn’t get to see this side of him until months into their twisted relationship.

It wasn’t the first time he had seen this gloomy side of his.

He becomes highly introspective, a self-loathing pit that Hyungwon suspected was him being on a verge of breakdown.

It happened twice.

The first time Hyungwon didn't pay too much attention to this demeanor, blaming it on Hoseok's fatigue. 

The second time, however, he spoke up.

He remembers the way Hoseok brushed off his concerns.

It was at this moment that Hyungwon had an urge to ugly laugh.

It was approximately the time he started to wish the feelings he finally put a name to did not exist.

Hoseok gave a crack to his high, made of steel walls but the moment Hyungwon had an opportunity to see his true self he was pushed back another mile away.

He harshly sighed and walked to the kitchen. He grabbed one of the waters in his fridge and after turning off the lights he padded towards the bedroom.

He left the bottle on Hoseok’s side of the bed, silently making his way under covers.

He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do.

In the end, he awkwardly threw his left hand over Hoseok’s back.

“It’s okay.” He kept on whispering. “Everything is going to be alright.” He started to rub his back in soothing motions.

It was a little after two o'clock in the morning and the night was in the darkest.


	40. Frozen heart

Hoseok woke up from a dreamless sleep with a pounding headache and extreme thirst. 

According to the clock that was hanging on the wall it was quarter to eight. 

He laid for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. 

His heart was racing from all the nicotine and alcohol that was absorbed into his bloodstream the previous night. 

He wanted to roll over and doze off for another couple of hours for the effects to fade away completely but the thirst was getting the best of him.

He sat up, staring idly at the slightly gray wall until the terrible realization drowned on him, it wasn’t his apartment. 

Everything felt strange, the clock he saw a moment ago didn’t belong to him, a strange drawer, and an unfamiliar wall closet. 

Everything felt strange, yet weirdly familiar.

Maybe it was the scent. The room smelled slightly of lime, basil, and mandarin. 

Hoseok shook his head. It wasn't the time to think silly things. 

He had no clue about his whereabouts and the worst thing he didn’t remember how he got here. His mind was completely blank. 

He dragged his trembling hand over his face as he swung his legs out of bed.

He noticed a bottle of water that he mentally thanked for before emptying two-thirds of the content greedily.

When he felt he could breathe again his eyes landed on a small post-it note that was stuck to the bottle. It read as simple and curt _Leave_.

“Oh well.” Hoseok chuckled. “That sounds about right.”

He got up, found his nicely folded clothes, and silently put them on.

He then checked his wallet out of curiosity.

He doesn’t remember what happened but he knows it wasn’t the first time. 

To his utter surprise, the cash was nearly untouched. Did he pay by card? He couldn’t remember anything.

A tiny trace of anxiety ran through his entire body when he gently opened the door. 

He walked down the hall and half hoped for the person to be in the shower so he could sneakily leave but it was empty. The flat was eerily quiet.

Hoseok stood in the middle of the hall for a little while.

Nobody was home but him.

He remembered the bar. 

He remembered the first girl he tried to pick up. Then there was an ugly guy who tried to flirt with him. 

And then there was - 

He couldn’t remember who ended up taking him home.

He swore under his breath. He wishes he did. The person must be a naive idiot. 

He would give it more thought but he wanted nothing more than to take a bath at home so he just left.

Stepping outside Hoseok looked about in disbelief. 

He felt a lump growing in the pit of his stomach. 

He was horrified to know he walked out of Hyungwons' apartment. 

“H-y-u-n-g-w-o-n-s.” He said quietly to himself as if he couldn’t believe his own eyes.

He hurriedly found his own keys and closed the entrance door from the other side with a bang.

Once in his flat, he threw his shoes off without a care and fell on his own bed without taking his jacket off. 

He closed his eyes and tried to think. 

He started to track his own actions and what he had been doing. 

Did he meet him in a bar?

Maybe they met on the way home?

It was no use. His vision swam and brain was cloudy. 

He wished to take a hot bath and drink a gallon or two of water but he was still dopey and without him noticing he fell asleep once again, tiredness taking over his bones. 

His shirt smelled like Friday night’s regrets and faintly of lime.

* * *

The next time Hoseok woke up it was already bright outside.

The light made his bedroom seem weirdly quiet.

He blinked drowsily outside the window. The sky was baby blue. It was a beautiful day.

He unglued his face from the pillow and wiped off his drool. Apparently he fell asleep with his mouth opened, face smashed against the pillow.

He really didn’t have to look in the mirror to guess what he looks like.

On the other hand, maybe these are the least relevant things he should be worried about as of now.

Maybe he should worry about how he ended up at Hyungwon’s flat.

How he ended up with Hyungwon.

How he ended up meeting Hyungwon.

Yes, these are the questions he needs to get answers to. 

The faster the better but first he needed a bath and clean clothes.

Hoseok ran himself a hot bath, throwing a handful of sea salt he found in the back of his drawer.

He harshly sighed as he slowly leaned his head on the edge of the tub, blankly staring at the ceiling for a long time.

He doesn’t remember how many times he wanted tomorrow to never come.

Nonetheless, he wakes the morning after and puts on a smile.

He dresses himself up into a different person. 

He cannot remember how it feels like to have goals, desires and dreams.

He has nothing.

While sitting in a tub and splashing water over his face, Hoseok began to cry.

They were silent tears that mingled with the rest of the water.

At first, he wasn’t even aware he was crying.

The tears were emotionless and natural, yet detached from his body. As if they had nothing to do with Hoseok himself.

He got out of the tub and walked straight to the mirror.

His face was flushed due to the bath and slightly puffy due to the tears. 

But it didn’t matter. Because even though he was looking in the mirror he didn’t see himself. It wasn’t his face.

He sighed as he reached for the towel.

Kihyun was right. The hardest thing in the entire world is to live without having to pretend. He has been failing miserably.

What does it mean?

Hoseok didn’t want to admit it to himself but he had been looking rough lately.

It felt like the world was ending and nobody noticed.

When he was younger he thought he was immortal and he could overcome any obstacle considerably quickly, effortlessly. 

But now he feels this low that he gets the feeling that nobody understands him. Nobody. 

And the thing is, there are people who do but he doesn’t let these thoughts inside.

Everything is dull and devoid of color. 

What about Hyungwon? His mind was suddenly occupied with the guy.

Would he hold on to someone like him? 

The one that has a heart of stone? 

The one who has lost its way?

The one who doesn’t know who he truly is? 

Hoseok kept on drying his hair as he walked into the kitchen, grabbing a sports drink from the fridge.

He hasn't remembered what happened the night before.

He unscrewed the lid and took a greedy gulp.

He should at least go and apologize to the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does it make any sense?  
> I don't think so. ￣へ￣


	41. Too far gone

Hoseok knocked on the door while trying to reсall what he initially meant to say. Useless. 

He could faintly hear Hyungwon say _coming_ and the next thing he was opening the door, stopping in his tracks the moment he noticed Hoseok. 

Hoseok openly stared at the other. 

Hyungwon looked pale as if he didn’t have a good night's sleep in days. 

He was wearing a simple gray sweatshirt paired with dark striped pants.

He noticed the way the other fixed him with a patient suspicion. Or was it melancholy? Hoseok could never read the other’s mind.

“Hello.” Hyungwon finally spoke, grasping on a doorknob.

There was another pause, longer than the first one.

“Hey.” Hoseok said at last.

“How are you?” Hyungwon’s eyes were calm and gentle but they made Hoseok want to jump out of his own skin anyway.

Why is he even asking? 

Isn’t Hoseok the one who needs to ask these damn questions?

Stupid. So damn stupid.

“Fine.”

“That’s good.” Hyungwon finally looked away and fixed his gaze somewhere behind Hoseok.

There was another painful silence and Hoseok started to think he cannot do it. 

Maybe he wasn’t ready. 

He had an irresistible impulse to leave Hyungwon just there. 

He just needed to get his keys out and run away to the comfort of the flat. 

Or maybe not.

Hyungwon opened the door wider and without any explanations disappeared in the flat. 

Hoseok silently followed, he closed the door with little to no sound and as soundlessly took his shoes off.

He walked down the hall when he noticed Hyungwon opening the blinds, making the room immediately bright and welcoming.

He noticed a steaming cup of coffee next to his laptop, soft music was filling the room. 

“Do you want a drink?” Hoseok’s eyes found Hyungwon who was awkwardly standing by the window wall, his left hand chaotically raking through his hair.

“N-no, don’t worry about it.” Hoseok waved his hands. 

There was a harsh sigh or maybe it was a grunt. Hoseok wasn’t sure.

“Stop being so awkward, it makes me nervous. Take a seat.” 

Hyungwon spoke so softly the older would not be able to catch on his words if only he didn’t concentrate all of his fibers mainly on the other.

Hoseok decided to sit on the edge of the sofa. 

There was a high chance the younger would sit on the other side of it, meaning he would not have to look straight at him. 

It sounded like a good plan. Or maybe it wasn’t the case.

He felt a cold touch and when he looked up he saw Hyungwon holding a can of coke next to his cheek.

“You’ve never been a tea person and I am pretty sure you would not be able to stomach coffee at the moment. Coke is all I have.” He let go and a moment later he was looking at him from the armchair, legs crossed.

For the shortest period of time, Hoseok thought he broke out in sweat.

“I think I need to apologize.” He breathed out.

“Do you?” Hyungwon was now leaning on his right elbow, cheek on his closed fist, eyes tiredly fixated on the older.

“Yes. I really am sorry.” He felt decisive.

“Hoseok, it’s alright.” Hyungwon traced his eyes towards the window. “You didn’t have to.”

“I don’t remember how I ended up at your apartment.” He brushed some strands of hair away from his face.

He needs to calm down. It’s just Hyungwon. There is nothing to be scared of. 

_Bullshit_ was second on the train of his thoughts but he intentionally ignored it.

“I saw you in a bar.” Hyungwon started.

“You were already out of it. You didn’t even recognize me so I am not surprised you don’t remember anything.” He shrugged.

“Sounds like me.” Hoseok said disappointed. 

He is not very sure how his rendezvous are actually like but it’s not the first time he let go of himself in such a peculiar way. 

A so-called free fall where he does nothing but forgets names and places. He can only guess.

“Right?” Hyungwon turned to look at the other for a fleeting moment. 

He was smiling but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

And then he was back to looking outside, ignoring Hoseok’s existence.

“Did I do something stupid?”

Hyungwon didn’t say anything. The only thing Hoseok could take as an answer was him slightly shaking his head.

* * *

The birds were singing outside. A cold spring breeze was shifting in the curtains. 

“Say something.” Hoseok finally spoke, opening a can of coke in the meantime.

“I don’t know what to say. What do you want from me, Hoseok?” Hyungwons eyes flickered towards the other.

“I become stupid when it comes to you. If I try to look back you’ve been doing nothing but manipulating my feelings.” His gaze was intense, serious.

“What are you talking about?”

Hyungwon snorted.

“Haven’t you noticed? I’ve been doing nothing but making you annoyed and exasperated. 

That’s an interesting switch in the mood. It’s been months. Nothing has changed. Nothing.” 

Hyungwon looked away as he briefly closed his eyes and pulled in a deep breath.

“I am lost, Hoseok. To this moment I don’t understand what’s so bad of me being into you but…”

Hoseok watched the way Hyungwon was bobbing the foot of his crossed leg idly up and down. His mouth went dry.

“I don’t want to be an idiot. I want to keep a least a particle of myself I can be true to. I know my limits.”

His voice was soft and soothing. If only his words could mend his heart instead of causing him internal agony.

“When it’s not in my power I should let it go before it crushes me. Do you understand what I mean?”

Hoseok glanced up and what he saw surprised him.

“You’re smiling.” Hoseok shot him an irritable stare, eyebrows meeting each other.

“Why are you smiling? 

Why are you smiling while telling me all of this? 

Again you’re hiding something from me.

You said you wanted to be happy the other day. Then say it.

Say how much you hate and despise me so you can finally fucking move on.” The heat of the words came as a surprise to him. 

No. Hoseok shouldn’t be angry. He came here to talk and nothing else.

Hyungwon blinked a couple more times before speaking up.


	42. I can't make you love me

Hyungwon blinked a couple more times before speaking up.

“Why are you angry with me again?” His voice was panic-stricken. 

“I don’t know how to. I am not sure how to be happy. I just don’t want it to end up tragic.” 

Hoseok felt his heart dropping to his feet but it didn’t stop him from pressing on Hyungwon even further.

“You feel bad. At least be angry with me.” He huffed.

There. Right there. Hoseok felt it in the way sharpness returned to Hyungwon’s eyes.

“But you also feel awful.” Hyungwon’s voice cracked.

“But you also suffer.” He uncrossed his legs and stood up.

“Do you think I am blind? 

I’ve known you for a pretty long time to know a thing or two. 

I am perfectly aware you’ve never trusted me, otherwise, we would never find ourselves in a situation like this. 

Do you think I don’t know the way it burdens you? 

Do you think I don’t know the way I burden you?” Hyungwon’s voice rose with a hysterical edge.

Hoseok made no reply. The only thing he could do is stare at the other, swallowing thickly.

“Your nonsense is absurd. Hate you?” Hyungwon turned away as he put his hands on his hips defensively.

“If I hated you, you wouldn’t be here. 

If I hated you I wouldn’t be talking to you. It seems you really don’t know what kind of person I am.”

Hyungwon’s voice was pushed on the background as he remembered Kihyun’s words - 

_You will regret it. The moment he stops caring about you completely is going to be your downfall._

No. Wait. It can’t be.

“Hold up.” Hoseok leaped to his feet as he grabbed the other by the wrist.

“What about Minhyuk? Or maybe it was Kihyun who told you? Don’t you know what I did?”

Hoseok watched the way Hyungwon’s eyes were on his hand.

“Don’t.” He tore himself loose, rubbing the place where Hoseok touched him.

“Know about what?” Hyungwon looked bitter yet perplexed.

“It means none of them did.” Hoseok started to search for something inside his mind. “Yet.”

Why does he want to laugh at times like these?

“Hyungwon-ah, do you want me to tell you a dirty little secret me and Minhyuk has been keeping from you?” He looked up at the other and it was at this moment he knew he fucked up.

He wanted to cut his own tongue off and throw it into the nearest dumpster because the look Hyungwon was giving him was nothing but forlorn. 

For once, Hoseok could read the other’s expression clear and loud.

“What?” Hyungwon’s eyes flickered to the right corner of the room and back to Hoseok.

“What did you say it for? What do you expect me to feel like after saying them? 

Do you want me to doubt my friend? I’ve known him for years. I trust him. 

Do you want me to break my trust in him? 

Do you want me to trust only you or do you want to see the way I turn my back on you?” 

Hoseok did not expect this outcome.

“No.” Hoseok said. “I just- 

“Stop it.” Hyungwon waved his hand in the air to stop the other from talking.

“Enough, I can’t-

I don’t want to.

I get it, pain and agony for a little bit of pleasure. Both of us are similar in that sense.

You have never realized it but you helped me to escape a lot of feelings I didn’t want to name.

I am not scared of being burnt but - ”

Hyungwon’s eyes were vacantly looking at nothing in particular.

“- but you’re different. You’re scared and it seems like it makes you smaller. 

One more personal conflict and it will put you on your knees.

And the worst thing is that I am part of it. Am I wrong?”

Hoseok's palms were sweating. In spite of the open window, the room seemed stuffy. 

“No matter how many times you rejected me, deep down I had this small place in my heart where it was telling me otherwise.

That you did like me, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense.

Because how else it could be that you have feelings for puppies and kittens, however, when it comes to a guy you’ve known and had sex and spent the nights with you tell you feel nothing? Absolutely nothing?

But then I realized that it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter if you feel nothing or like me or whatever because in the end, you don’t want me.

I can accept it. 

You wanted me to leave you alone and I did but you keep on coming back in the worst possible scenarios.

It just turned into some sort of wicked game.”

“Hyungwon.” 

Hoseok didn’t have to make an effort to look stunned. He was so upset, he was nearly sick.

Hoseok took one step forward but the taller made two steps back.

“What have I ever done to you?” Hyungwon said miserably, looking up at the other.

“You did nothing wrong, it’s me.

You shouldn’t be worrying about me. 

Worry about yourself.” Hoseok’s voice was toneless.

“If you look inside my heart you will find nothing, Hyungwon. The person you fell in love is – “ 

He bit his lower lip. 

“If you are true to your words its better you forgot about me.”

Hyungwon blankly stared at Hoseok until the other turned his gaze away.

“Do you know the difference between you and me?”

Hoseok turned around to look at Hyungwon who abruptly walked towards the kitchen island.

For a moment he stood with his back to Hoseok, hands braced on the counter. 

Then he turned around and started to rummage through the drawers.

“I am not feeding myself with illusions of a better world. It’s an ugly and cruel place. But here’s the thing.”

He closed the first drawer and reached for another one.

“Whenever I look inside myself I try to perceive myself as seriously and open-mindedly as I can. I try to live in peace with myself. And what about you?”

For the shortest moment Hyungwon looked up at bewildered Hoseok.

“I suppose when you’re in peace with yourself you’re a very joyous person but I cannot be sure.

I got to know you when something within your little world went astray.”

Hyungwon laughed out loud while Hoseok was blinking hard.

“Our meeting was doomed, wasn’t it? Happy people don’t play charades like we do. But the thing is - “

He glanced up.

“You are like a battlefield. 

You’re always coming from a place of hurt when you come in contact with me.

It’s cruel to you but it also affects me. 

I am pretty sure it affects all of the people who think dearly of you.

I cannot see you with perfect clarity since we don’t know everything about each other, but I try. I really do.

If I were your lover I suppose my job would be to uncover all of your layers –“

Hyungwon finally found what he was looking for as he closed the drawer.

“- too bad. No matter what you think about yourself –“

Hyungwon started to walk towards Hoseok. 

He noticed he had a pack and a lighter in his left hand.

“- one person can appear quite different to different people. 

All of us have many facades, layers, masks. Call it however you like. 

Nonetheless, no matter how much I tried to look at you differently the view has stayed spectacular.

I am sorry I couldn’t help you.”

“W-what are you talking about?” Hoseok stuttered as Hyungwon stopped right in front of him.

Hyungwon leaned closer and his scent came as a shock to Hoseok.

Maybe he was just surprised at the sudden intimacy but then Hyungwon ever so gently kissed him on the neck and Hoseok nearly jumped.

“What’s wrong with you?” 

“I am sorry, your addiction is other people while you’re mine. I’ll never be enough.” Hyungwon kissed him on the forehead.

The next moment he was already closing the door to the patio from the other side.

Before he closed it completely, he whispered something that Hoseok understood to be _you should go_.

He stood there for a little while, making holes in the younger. 

He saw the way he lighted up a cigarette and half hanged himself over the railing.

But then he slightly turned and Hoseok saw the side of his face, the wetness on his cheek. 

For a moment Hoseok thought he had the potential to crumble into dust on the spot.

When he felt he could properly breathe again, he turned unsteadily and dashed out of the room.


	43. What now?

Hoseok dashed out of the door, his own keys already in his hand as he ran headlong into Minhyuk who apparently was about to knock on Hyungwon's door.

“What the hell.” The taller grunted as he was pushed back. 

Hoseok made sure to close the door before the other could say anything.

“Damn.” Hoseok whispered while nervously staring at the other. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Minhyuk grabbed the other by the ham of his hoodie.

“You’re coming with me.” 

Hoseok tore himself lose while grasping the other by the forearm, reaching for his door and opening it.

“Why the hell would I?” Minhyuk protested but reluctantly let himself be dragged anyway.

“What is it?” Minhyuk walked inside without taking his shoes off, strolling straight towards the living room.

The blinds were down. The room gave off a cold, almost alienated feeling.

Minhyuk eyed the room but the other was nowhere to be seen. 

He walked back towards the hall, giving the older a leery and appalled look. 

The other was standing still, silently facing a now-closed entrance door.

“Lee.” 

Hoseok cleared his throat as he turned to face the other.

Minhyuk raised one of his eyebrows, arms crossed defensively.

“You.” He slipped off his shoes and stomped towards the other.

“What did you do to Hyungwon?” Minhyuk outran the other.

“Nothing, I – “ 

Hoseok stopped in front of the other, taking his features in. 

_It’s been long years he has seen the other properly._

_When did they turn into young adults?_

“I don’t believe you.” Minhyuk snorted as he turned and fell on the couch nearby.

“What do you want with me?” His hands still crossed but he was now looking anywhere but Hoseok.

“What did you say to Kihyun?” Hoseok stood next to him, his voice deadly.

“Kihyun?” Minhyuk’s gaze flickered towards the older as he rolled his eyes.

“Truth, mind you I didn’t tell the whole story.” He groaned.

“Miss me with the bullshit.”

“Huh?” Minhyuk turned to look at the other, pointing his right index finger. “You have no say in this.”

It was Hoseok’s turn to roll his eyes.

“You used to be a noisy bitch. I suppose you haven’t changed much.” 

Minhyuk gaped for a moment or two.

“What did you say? Hoseok, did you get hit in the head?” He stood up and loomed on the older.

“I might be a bitch but I am a bitch with opinions and clearly you are bothered.

I spared your short friend – “ Sarcasm was dripping from his words.

“ – because Hyungwon befriended him.” He said unkindly. 

“I would spill everything on him if it wasn’t the case. 

And anyway, aren’t you one cheeky motherfucker? 

Aren’t you glad I didn’t report your buddies?” 

Minhyuk slightly pushed the older by the shoulder, turning his back a moment later.

“Fuck – “ He raked through his hair. 

“I despise you to the point of itching.” Minhyuk clicked his tongue.

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok tried to think straight. 

He couldn’t let himself lose control.

“Stop pretending to be the naive one. It doesn’t suit you.” He stuck his tongue out in distaste. 

“I am not.”

Minhyuk turned to properly look at the other.

“What? Do you want to say you didn’t know your _so called friends_ didn’t try to make my school years hell?

Or the fact they ganged up on me?

Oh, and then there was this time one of them tried to come on to me. He didn’t have enough guts though. Too bad.” 

Minhyuk was rolling something inside his mind, smiling insidiously.

“What? What did you just say?” Hoseok looked up, startled.

“I told you the clueless look doesn’t suit you. Worse, it’s boring.” Minhyuk kept his eyes on the other, miffed.

Hoseok felt the blood drain from his face.

“Are you saying someone beat you up and almost raped? Who was it?” Hoseok stuttered.

Minhyuk said nothing. 

For a long and deliberate moment he was searching for something in Hoseok. 

For something that would give away his pretentious behavior.

He shook his head.

“If I were Jooheon I would say you really knew nothing.”

“But I didn’t – “ His voice was high- strung.

Hoseok ran a hand over his slightly damp forehead. 

“Oh no.” He said. “Oh my god.”

“What’s the matter?” There was a note of amusement in Minhyuk’s words.

“Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you deem me worthy –“

“I did.” Minhyuk outran the other. 

“That one time I came to your place but the way you looked at me – “

He started to fiddle with his fingers.

“Hyun and that gorilla Yongguk. They were definitely onto something. 

I just didn’t know what that something was. I came to you to find out what’s up but – “

Minhyuk started to bother his lower lip. 

“You treated me like an empty space. 

As if we didn’t spend a year together.

As if we were complete strangers.” He shrugged.

“I had no idea.” Hoseok said in withdrawal.

“Of course you fucking didn’t.” Minhyuk screamed like a banshee.

“You fucking coward.” He grabbed a glass ashtray that was laying on a coffee table.

“Do you think your _I didn’t know_ will satisfy me?” 

He threw it an inch away from Hoseok. It landed on a wall with a loud crash.

Hoseok slightly turned to look at the shattered pieces. 

He then slowly turned to look at the younger.

He was breathing hard, his chest noticeably going up and down.

“Why are you so comfortable talking about it? Aren’t you -”

Hoseok frowned as he choked on his own words.

“I wouldn’t give you or anyone else the satisfaction in seeing me break down.” Minhyuks voice was low, somber.

“It’s just part of my history. 

I know that shame isn’t mine.

I reached out to you and when I didn’t get the support I wanted – “ Minhyuk quickly glared at the older.

“- I found it elsewhere, which brings us back to Hyungwon. I won’t let your shallow self stomp on another person just because you're a ball of –“

“What do you want me to do?” Hoseok said painfully.

“What are you talking about?” Minhyuk said after a while. 

He seemed to come to his usual intonation. 

“Are you being intentionally thick or - ?” Hoseok looked up at Minhyuk.

Hoseok was disturbed by the blank look in the other’s eyes.

Minhyuk looked somber, borderline impersonal. His eyes looked dead as a doornail.

But then he turned away and the next thing Hoseok knew the younger was smirking.

“That’s a good question. What should I do?”


	44. Noir

“That’s a good question. What should I do?” 

He quickly approached the other and grabbed him by the ham, pushing him flat down on the couch a moment later.

Hoseok didn’t oppose, just kept on confusingly blinking as Minhyuk was suddenly over him, both of his hands on a collar of his hoodie.

“How about I fuck you until you become a sobbing mess?” Minhyuk’s voice was deep.

“What? Do you want to have sex?” He said, baffled. “I mean we can but I just – “

“Don’t you get it?” Minhyuk leaned closer. “I will be in charge.”

“I don’t get it.” Hoseok could feel the others breathe on his face.

“Moreover, Hyungwon is one little kinky fox. Unless you strangle me to death -” 

Hoseok squeezed his eyes on the other. “You aren’t planning on murdering me, are you?”

Minhyuk opened his mouth and it seemed like he was about to say a great deal but he didn’t.

He leaped off of the other, making a couple of steps backward.

“You’re a switch now.” His voice flat, toneless.

Hoseok sat up, raking a hand through his rumpled hair. “So? Does it matter?“ 

“Of course it fucking does.” Minhyuk glanced up with a quick flash of anger that surprised Hoseok. 

“Don’t be absurd.” He snapped. 

“You’ve always been obsessed with an idea of dominance. 

I just thought I could take my sweet revenge on you while humiliating you, crushing you, ruining you.” 

He stopped talking for a second as he started pacing back and forth.

“It totally makes sense though.

Hyungwon is not someone who likes to take shit from anyone.”

He fell on the other side of the sofa.

“I should have known better.”

He slumped further in his seat and sighed, biting on the skin around his left thumb. 

In the corner of his eyes he noticed the way Hoseok was looking at him. As if – 

“Don’t look at me like you understand me.” Minhyuk barked haughtily. 

“That’s it? You don’t seem out of your mind.” Hoseok stared. 

“No, there is another thing. Stop following Hyungwon. Don’t come near him. Leave him alone.”

Hoseok swallowed thickly.

“Why?”

_Why? Why is he even asking?_

_He gave up on Hyungwon. Hyungwon gave up on him._

“Because you’re trash, Hoseok. I hope you know it.” Minhyuk said tonelessly.

“He likes you.” Minhyuk said barely above a whisper. “Like a lot.”

“I’ve never seen him so hung up on someone.

But you are not that person. You should understand that yourself.” 

He harshly scowled as he leaned against the back of the couch, blankly staring at the ceiling.

“What an empty feeling.” He continued. 

“I used to feed myself with anger and idea that one day I will get to have my revenge on you.

That I will force you to your knees, make you apologize, make you regret.”

“Is it what you want?” Hoseok’s voice echoed.

“No, I want nothing of that. What was I to you, Hoseok?” He peeked at the other.

“You?” He watched Hoseok putting both of his hands on his knees, palms down.

“You were like a breath of fresh air. 

You were a bright and fun person to be with.

I was drowning but you saved me.” 

Hoseok grasped on his knees tightly. He kept his eyes on the ground, afraid to look up.

“It was not enough.” Minhyuk ugly laughed.

“You know I loved you. You were my first love.” Hoseok said it so softly he wasn’t sure the other heard him.

“Yeah, me too. You were my first love as well.” Minhyuk’s voice was soft yet full of sorrow.

“And at the same time you were my worst nightmare.

I won’t accept your apology. I got no reason to forgive you.

Deep down I had a feeling you were taken as a fool. 

The guys you used to hang out with were scumbags.

I always had been telling you. 

But it doesn’t cancel the idea of you.

You left me half naked on a desk after pulling your pants up and leaving with them while laughing it off.” 

Hoseok shuddered.

“I suppose at the end of the day you were the one who burnt the most memorable image within my mind.” Minhyuk sighed. 

“Hold up –“ 

The younger turned to look at the other.

“Are you in contact with them?” He said repulsed.

“No.” Hoseok shook his hand while looking at the broken ashtray.

“After we – 

After I left you our relationship became strained.

We became acquaintances by the end of high school and I never reached out to them afterward.

Neither did them.” He said quietly.

“I don’t know what to say to that.” Minhyuk said without care whatsoever. “Good for you, I guess.”

“Considering Hyungwon –“

Hoseok was stricken in the horrible sort of way.

Hoseok thought he could never forget Minhyuk. 

On the other hand, he would be lying to himself by saying he hasn’t.

It’s been so long since the last time he has been thinking about the other. 

Hoseok broke into a cold sweat as he realized that Minhyuk became a ghost, a faded memory.

Once upon a time, he was his dearest person.

Once upon a time, he was his lifeboat.

Once upon a time, he loved him.

Once upon a time, he failed him.

But now, now that he was sitting next to him and –

He regrets he didn’t help the younger in the hour of need but what does it matter almost a decade later?

He didn’t think their relationship was salvageable.

It was the beginning of the end.

Then why does he - 

Why is it that the only thing he could keep in his mind was not Minhyuk he wronged or used to love but Hyungwon?

Hyungwon who was smoking on a balcony?

Hyungwon who was crying because of him?

Minhyuk yawned. 

“Hyungwon is true to himself. 

He is cold and pragmatic, he is annoying as hell but he is an honest and kind person. 

That’s why I like him so much and I will cherish his friendship as long as I can.

But what about you?" Minhyuk settled his gaze on the older.

"What’s the difference between a 17-year-old you who left his lover just because you were scared of whatever and a 24-year-old you, who is deliberately hiding all of himself 6 feet underground?

Many times I wanted to tell him about you, so that way Hyungwon stops waiting for you. 

But then I realized, what if he obsesses over an idea of helping you instead?

I don’t want that.

I want the other party to try to understand all of him.

And god forbid it’s you. You’re incapable of it either way.

Dig up all of your demons, come undone, and maybe only after that we can talk. 

When there is nothing left.

Do you think you’re the only one who has it bad?

You’ve left a hole in his heart and a jab on his soul.

Can you fill it? Can you mend it? Can you heal it?” He spoke fast.

“Why are you telling me all of that?”

“Come undone.” He said in all seriousness.

It was awfully quiet.

“Tell me.” Minhyuk finished.

“I’ve never considered myself a good person. 

On the other hand, I’ve never considered myself an evil one either.”

“R-right.” Minhyuk snorted.

“I know how it makes me sound but you are not any better, Minhyuk.” 

He leaned against the back of the couch as he linked his hands behind his head, putting his crossed legs on a small coffee table.

“You wanted to sleep with your friend’s crush.” He said, half-amused.

“I wouldn’t.” Minhyuk shook his head. “And you’re a jerk for saying that out loud.”

“Why are you upset? You said so yourself. What is unthinkable is undoable.” Hoseok raised one of his eyebrows.

“I just wanted to say it at least once aloud. 

It was on my bucket list for a long time. I used to think about it until I wasn’t. 

You aren’t that special anymore. 

You became a memory. 

I feel absolutely nothing towards you. 

However, you do piss me off now that your face is in front of me.

Now that you do what you did back then. Playing it cool.”

“Ouch.”

“I guess I know what you were talking about.” Minhyuk stood up and started to readjust his clothes.

"In theory, you cannot be called the bad guy since you’ve never done anything, right?” Minhyuk quickly glanced at the other.

“Everything is a game for you.

I marvel at your nonchalance.

You just watch. 

The life passes you by but you do nothing but watch – calmly, without fear and pity.”

Minhyuk started to walk away, stopping in front of the older for a brief moment.

“If you’re neither good nor evil -” He squinted his eyes on Hoseok who shifted uncomfortably in the seat. “Then what are you?”

He rolled his eyes and without waiting for the reply padded out of the living room. 

There was a click and a moment later he was the only one left in this dark room and still apartment.

Minutes ticked by.

It was almost time for dinner and Hoseok hadn’t eaten all day but he wasn’t hungry. 

The numbness, lack of sensation, and straight-up anesthesia that miraculously helped him to carry through this day started to wear off. 

With each passing second his mind started to backtrack all the words that were said to him. All the things he couldn’t say. 

Not being able to cope with all the voices that were flooding his mind -

With all the voices that were getting only louder with every passing minute, he stood up and walked to the bedroom, straight to the side of his bed and rustled through the drawer of the night table.

He found a small bottle in the bottom of it.

He whipped out more than half of the content into his palm. 

For a moment he stared at round blue pills that were grooved. 

In the end, he popped a couple while tossing the rest back in, falling onto the bed shortly after.

He tried to block all the noises and voices until he slipped into oblivion. The place with no past, no memories, no future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are so many things that went wrong. 
> 
> Sorry, not sorry. 〒▽〒


	45. Self destruction

Hoseok awoke from a dreamless sleep. 

His mind was hazy, things he couldn’t put a name to started to welcome themselves in as soon as he regained consciousness. 

It was late, midnight, maybe even later? Hoseok wasn’t sure. 

He drowsily turned to his right and glanced at a mechanical clock that ominously showed 2:44 AM in the morning. 

He rolled on his back and spread his body tiredly on the bed in a star shape. He was asleep for almost 9 hours.

He was lying still, blinking languidly at the shadows on the ceiling, trying not to think. 

Nevertheless, bits of smudged details of the previous night floated back to him like a dream.

Habits. Hoseok had a list of bad habits. 

The one on top of his list had to be doping himself to sleep. He loathed it.

He detests the fathomless and withdrawal that detaches him from anything that’s left of his personality.

Yet, he greatly appreciates the state it brings him into. 

His sleep is not disturbed by nightmares that as a rule are followed by drenched with cold sweat sheets. 

But Hoseok couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t help it when more often than not he experienced general neurotic horror. 

He couldn’t help it when all of the times the walls of his own bedroom were creeping over him.

He couldn’t help it when all of the times white noises that were buzzing harmlessly during the day were turning into abhorrent sirens at night.

If he was a ball of nerves during the day, the night turned him into an endless self-loathing pit.

Every single cruel thing he has ever said to someone came back to him tenfold, looming over his already shaky mind.

It didn’t matter how old or insignificant things were. 

The shame, insults, embarrassment, guilt kept on looming and looming over.

However it wouldn’t be wrong to mention that the main host as of recent was no other than Hyungwon.

Hoseok was surprised at first but no matter how much he tried to shake the thoughts away he couldn’t.

He abandoned the idea of saving his bits of sanity considering the younger.

It really didn’t matter anymore whether he was part or not of an already sizable pile of dirt that became a significant part of him.

It is quite amusing he was able to put a mental block on the guy for so long.

He tried to shake off the feeling of uneasiness and panic that started to fill all parts of his body.

He hated it when days like these happened. The side effects were kicking him stronger than usual.

Slowly, he turned to look outside the window. It was one of these peaceful yet gloomy nights.

For a while Hoseok was listening to dripping and drizzling. 

Random pieces of flashbacks were popping here and there inside his mind with a new force. 

Not being able to stand it anymore he tiredly rolled out of the bed and soundlessly padded towards the bathroom.

Turning on the lights made him squeeze his eyes tight. 

He walked towards the sink and splashed his face with cold water. 

After reaching for the towel and drying his face he glanced up, his own reflection meeting him.

His hair was a mess, his fringe slightly wet.

He was staring at his dead like fish eyes. They were watery and red-rimmed.

He looked like a cartoon character. However, it would be more precise to say he looked like a victim of a bad joke – a caricature.

_What is going on?_

He thought to himself as he touched his right cheek and dragged the heel of his hand down.

Surprisingly it didn’t melt away.

_When does it stop?_

He harshly sighed as he averted his gaze towards his hand that was visibly trembling.

After looking at it for a moment too long he shook the feeling of numbness off.

No. He won’t do it. He won’t pity his own shallow reflection or whatever is left of his former self.

After combing his hair and brushing his teeth he went to the bedroom to change his clothes.

He changed to another dark hoodie and black jeans. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

After the feeling of nausea disappeared he got his coat, keys, wallet, and headed out.


	46. Two sides of the same coin

Even though it was March, the rain that was drizzling felt warm on Hoseok’s cheeks. 

The city was deserted, almost alienated. 

The rain made air smell fresh but the fogginess made the streets seem light and empty, almost mysterious. 

He walked into the 24/7 convenience store. It was the only brightly lit place it seemed like for miles.

A guy that looked close to Hoseok’s age greeted him.

Hoseok mentally pitied the guy who had the misfortune to have to work at 3 AM.

However, he looked better in every single way compared to Hoseok.

He initially wanted to get a pack of cigarettes but now that he was inside the store he realized he was a little hungry.

He walked around isles randomly, picking 2 cups of noodles, cheese, and banana milk. 

“Are you going to eat here?” The guy said tonelessly while checking the products out.

Hoseok’s left hand found its way to the back of his neck.

Should he? The idea of going directly back home was not appealing at all.

“Sure.” He said a moment later.

Hoseok paid and walked to the back of the store where a couple of tables and a microwave could be found. 

He slowly filled both of his cups with hot water, falling heavily on the chair next.

After adding cheese to his already soggy noodles and mixing it well he started to slowly chew.

He was in the middle of the second cup when he heard someone enter the store, followed by hushed yelling.

“Hello.” He heard the selling boy say.

“Hi.” Came a response in unison.

“He is not here.” Someone said calmly.

“You never know. But if I see him stuffing his face, I swear to god I – “

At this Hoseok glanced up. Two guys were standing in front of him.

Hoseok recognized one of them as his heart started to beat faster. What was his name?

“Changkyun?” Hoseok raised one of his brows. 

The flashbacks of a few of the meetings they had were creeping to the back of his mind. 

They were looking at each other for a long and uncomfortable moment but the younger’s gaze was so rude that Hoseok was forced to avert his eyes.

Changkyun gave him a dirty look.

“Let’s go.” He said while turning on his heel. “He is not in here.” He walked out of the store without waiting for his friend.

Hoseok switched his attention to the other guy. There was something familiar about him. 

He watched Hoseok for a moment or two with childish curiosity.

“I remember you.” He barely smiled, showing his dimples.

“Do you?” Hoseok leaned against the chair. 

The other nodded.

“I am Minhyuk’s and – “

“You’re the blonde punk from musical wing.” Hoseok outran him.

“What?” 

Hoseok snorted. “You haven’t changed at all.”

“Punk?” Jooheon asked, offended.

“Your short spiky hair and skull masks are to blame.” He explained.

“I am surprised you remember me from school days. We go to the same university.” Jooheon said, tone entertained.

“Ahhmm.” Hoseok hummed while looking outside the window.

He doesn’t pay too much attention to people around him. 

He is surprised he was able to recognize him. 

He also wasn’t sure why they were talking in the first place. 

“You didn’t happen to see Hyungwon, did you?”

“What?” Hoseok whipped his head so fast he thought it would come off and start having a life of its own.

“He kinda ran off.” The younger moistured his lower lip.

“Why?”

“Not sure. Maybe because Minhyuk pissed him off. 

Maybe he was running away from Changkyun because he smoked all of his pot by himself.” He shrugged.

“Why are you telling me this?” Hoseok looked at the other with suspicion.

“Minhyuk told me you saw him yesterday.”

“Yeah?”

“He will never admit it himself but he needed it. The closure, that is. I appreciate it.”

Hoseok was at the loss of words.

Are all of Hyungwon’s that talkative and invasive?

He shifted in the chair uncomfortably.

Hyungwon this, Hyungwon that.

“Considering Hyungwon – “ Jooheon brushed his hair off his face.

“It’s none of my concern.” Hoseok barked back.

He needs to stop otherwise he won’t be able to repress whatever is lurking inside his mind.

It’s getting stronger. 

He can feel it.

“If you see him by any chance, send him home.” Jooheon ignored his words.

He started to walk away but then he stopped, half turning Hoseok’s way.

“You must be a hotshot if you managed to get attention from both foolish twins.” Jooheon held Hoseok’s gaze.

“But let me tell you this. Make another wrong move in Hyungwon’s direction and I will find you and crush you.” He naughtily smirked.

“Are you threatening me?” Hoseoks expression was blank.

“Who knows. There are two options, Hoseok.” He showed a peace sign.

The level of Hoseoks discomfort was growing with every passing second.

It wasn’t the guy himself.

It was about what he was saying, yes, he didn’t want to know.

But the thing that irked him even more –

It was the way he was calling his name.

He didn’t want the stranger to call his name so casually.

As if he knows him well enough to judge him, which he was currently in the middle of.

“First, you behave like any civilized human and apologize to him for all the mean things and deeds you did to him and you try dating.” He bent his index finger.

“And the second one. Be the jerk you are so Hyungwon thinks he saved himself from a disaster. Otherwise, he will blame himself and will fall even deeper.” 

He bent his middle finger and pushed it into his pocket.

“I am not Minhyuk. I won’t interfere with Hyungwon’s matters of the heart. I want him to be happy.

Yet, you somehow manage to suck all the joy out of him. That’s how dangerous you are.

It’s time you decided. I won’t let you harm him any more than you already have.”

He turned from him and walked away. 

Hoseok watched both of their backs receding in the direction of the river through the wide window.

He could see the way Changkyun, he didn’t like the guy whatsoever was throwing careless punches at the other’s shoulder.

_What was that?_

Hoseok felt tired. More tired than ever.

In the end, he got up and threw the remains of his food in the nearest bin, bowing slightly on his way out of the shop.


	47. Deny

It had stopped raining. 

He started to walk towards home, half anxious to meet another familiar face.

 _Coward._ White noise croaked within the darkest corners of his mind.

He stopped on his tracks. He stood completely still for a moment or two.

“Damn.” He rummaged in his pockets and reached for a new pack and a lighter.

“I’ll take a detour.” He turned on his heels and walked in the direction of the river.

It was a little bit chillier and the wind was blowing hard but it didn’t bother Hoseok. 

He passed by a couple. He assumed they were going home from a party judging by the girl’s dress.

A group of drunk teenagers brushed through him as he was reaching for another cigarette. 

He walked for 10, maybe 15 minutes when he noticed someone sitting on the grass right next to the river.

“They are going to freeze their balls off.” Hoseok chuckled to himself. Amused that such thing can make him laugh.

Involuntarily he caught himself staring at the motionless silhouette.

What drives a person to want to sit on a cold, damp grass by the river in the middle of the night? 

Hoseok lit yet another cigarette.

He let it hang loosely between his lips while mulling some of the options when something started to whirl in his mind.

Could it be - ?

A loud ringing dragged Hoseok back to reality.

The silhouette rummaged in his pocket. 

Hoseok saw the way the other wavered.

He thought he would decline but after another couple of rings he did answer the phone.

“Hello.” The voice cut the air like a knife, pierced right through Hoseok’s heart. 

Hoseok knew who this voice belonged to. 

He knew it all too well and for a fleeting moment, a tiny wisp of time Hoseok felt shudder going down his spine.

_What was he doing?_

Hyungwon slightly swayed from side to side while mumbling something incoherent.

“Where am I?” Hyungwon said louder, turning to the left and right and Hoseok thought he might as well have a heart attack if the other notices him.

He does look like a creep now that he thinks about it.

“I am by the river bank. Next to F bridge, pick me up will you?” His voice was relaxed, speech slightly slurred.

Hoseok watched the younger hang up while readjusting his hood. 

He found himself staring at him even harder.

He thought he wanted to call out his name and get down to the river bank to look him straight to the face but his legs wouldn’t move, his voice was mute. 

His hand unconsciously ran to the side of his neck, to the spot where Hyungwon kissed him not so long ago.

He doesn’t want to admit but he missed Hyungwon’s touches.

Even worse, he craved them. 

But it is something he is not able to admit honestly to himself. 

A sense of longing that the younger urged within him. He hated it. 

It was over and the last thing he could do for Minhyuk was to make his wish come true. 

In the end, he turned away and kept on walking.

 _Minhyuk?_ Something, no someone in the back of his mind laughed. _So dishonest. ___

_He is right there. He can’t be any closer than he already is._

 _Call out his name and claim him._ The voice was deep and hollow.

_Tomorrow might be too late._

_How many times does he have to confess so you believe him?_

_It was the very last one on his behalf._

__Hoseok speeded up._ _

_Not talkative much?_

_Keep on pretending he is nonexistent because it is his turn to transform you into Minhyuk - the ghost._

__

__The voice didn’t speak anymore and the haziness settled within his bleary mind._ _

__It was at this moment that he finally realized what Hyungwon’s last words meant._ _

__He finally deciphered them._ _

Instead of _you should go_ Hyungwon meant _don’t walk away._

__Could it be correct?_ _

__Air was knocked out of his chest at the realization and Hoseok fought the urge to turn around and approach the younger._ _

__Instead, he robotically kept on walking._ _

__The night breeze started to change its direction and Hoseok’s hair blew in all directions._ _

__A dog barked somewhere not far away from him._ _

__Hoseok was contemplating whether to stroll another block or head home to the comfort of the darkness of his rooms when he noticed two figures walking in his direction._ _

__He put on a hood and turned to the right, abandoning the idea of anything._ _

__“Hoseok.”_ _

__“Shit.” He turned to look at the smaller of the two jogging towards him._ _

__“Kihyun.” Hoseok swallowed, a sudden rush of panic went through his body._ _

__“What are you doing here?” He stopped in front of the other. He was at a good stage of tipsy._ _

__“Nothing.” He looked up at the other, searching for something. He wasn’t sure what that something was._ _

__“Yo.” Hyunwoo was dragging his feet. Even under the yellow street lamps his face was flushed._ _

__The other two were watching Hoseok with unreadable expressions._ _

__Hyunwoo was about to say something when something caught his attention._ _

__“Hyungwon-ah.” He yelled as he rushed to the silhouette that was walking up the muddy grass, towards the pavement._ _

__Hoseok unconsciously made a couple of steps back into the darkness. He couldn’t let the other notice him._ _

__Nonetheless, he watched the other. He watched the way the slender figure readjusted the hood, looking Hyunwoo’s way._ _

__Hoseok was surprised to hear the other start laughing. It was foolish and airy laughter._ _

_When was the last time he heard him laugh?_

_When was the last time he himself genuinely laughed?_

__“Hyunwoo-ssi.” He giggled._ _

__“Everyone has been looking for you.” Hyunwoo said while wrapping his hand around his shoulder._ _

__“Kihyun, you can catch up with us later.” Hyunwoo yelled without turning their way, walking off with Hyungwon in the opposite direction._ _

__They strolled off and both Kihyun and Hoseok were watching them go._ _

__After they were out of sight they turned and looked at each other, an uncomfortable silence settling between them._ _

__Hoseok wanted to run away from Kihyun’s scrutinizing gaze._ _

__“You should go.” Hoseok said barely above the whisper as he was about to make a move but Kihyun grabbed him by the wrist._ _

__“I am sorry.” He said drunkenly._ _

__“Why are you apologizing?” Hoseok looked up, surprised. He made a step back, lighting the cigarette next._ _

__“For doubting you. For betraying you.”_ _

__“You didn’t do any of those.” Hoseok blew out a cloud of smoke._ _

__Kihyun kept on looking blearily at the other._ _

__“Do you mind if I stay over?”_ _

__“What about Hyunwoo and Hyungwon?” Hoseok’s voice cracked on the second name._ _

__“Hyunwoo will be just fine and Hyungwon has other people who will gladly worry about him.” Kihyun stared at the cigarette between Hoseok’s lips._ _

__“Did you talk to Hyungwon?”_ _

__Hoseok choked on smoke as he started to cough._ _

__“No.” He turned to look at the flowing river._ _

__Kihyun copied him. It was too early for the break of the day but he felt it in the air. The morning dew was a fair sign. The morning was not far away._ _

__Kihyun tipsily smiled and Hoseok caught the gesture in the corner of his eye. It’s been a while Hoseok saw the other smile at him._ _

__“Aren’t you mad at me?”_ _

__Both of them turned on their heels and headed towards the apartment._ _

__“No.” Kihyun said curtly._ _

__The statement left no room for argument._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am pretty sure whoever is still keeping up with the story is getting tired.
> 
> So...I suppose it's a good time to start wrapping it up since I finally decided on an ending. 
> 
> I came to realize it turned pretty dark so I added a couple of tags. Let me know if more is needed. This read is not for everyone and I don't want to waste anyone's time. (Says me after posting more than half of the story.🤦)
> 
> P.S. Don't be too happy, the torture session is not over yet. ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ
> 
> Thank you for your time~


	48. Sunday Noon

Hoseok jolted awake, hitting his head against the table in the process. 

“God damnit.” He hissed as he cracked his eyes open, realizing he fell asleep just there, at the table. 

He moved his left elbow and it made one of the keys on his keyboard pierce right through his ear. He swore once again.

“There is someone at the door.” A voice said in a hoarse whisper.

“Did you fall asleep just like that?” It was followed by a yawn.

Hoseok cracked his neck on both of the sides while standing up.

It was a bright day and his head was finally cleared from all of the dopiness, yet oddly blank.

“Yeah.” He turned around to look at Kihyun. He was in bad shape. He was still drunk and a little disoriented. 

There was another knock at the door.

“Open it.” Kihyun blinked languidly as he jerked his chin towards the door.

“Coming.” Hoseok mumbled to himself while yawning and stretching in the meantime.

“Hyunwoo.” Hoseok swung the door wide open.

“Morning.” He smiled without showing his teeth. 

His face was flushed and he was profusely sweating. “Is Kihyun with you?”

“I am here.” The said guy poked his head from the kitchen, a glass of water in his hand. 

“You look beat.” The oldest snorted.

“Oh shut up.” Kihyun irritably grumbled.

“Do you want to have breakfast?” He bared his wrist. “Technically lunch? Did you eat, guys?”

Hoseok shook his head. “Not yet.” 

“Great. I will take a quick shower and we can meet downstairs let’s say in 20.”

“Sounds good.” Hoseok nodded. Surprisingly, he was starving.

“Sweet.” The older turned around and Hoseok watched him hop down the stairs.

He closed the door only after he quickly glanced at a door plate _514_. 

He did it so quickly his brain didn’t register the action.

“Guh, what’s that?” He heard a groan from behind.

“What is it?” Hoseok padded towards the living room.

“What was that?” Kihyun pointed at the shattered glass.

“Ah.” He watched the mess on the floor. “It used to be an ashtray.”

“Do you have anger issues?” Kihyun raised an eyebrow.

“No, Minhyuk does.” He muttered while walking towards the bedroom.

He half expected the younger to bombard him with all sorts of questions but surprisingly he didn’t.

He silently followed him into the bedroom, rumbling something inaudible in the meanwhile.

“I suppose you want to take a shower.” Hoseok said with his back to Kihyun as he rummaged through the drawer of his night table, getting a bottle of aspirin.

“Why do you keep them in the bedroom?” Kihyun wondered while taking the bottle.

Hoseok ignored the question.

“Pick anything you like.” He waved his hand while walking towards the window and opening the blinds, letting the sun into the room.

“I will take this one.” 

Hoseok turned around and noticed Kihyun inspecting a black simple sweatshirt that was still hanging on a hanger.

As he started to slip it off the hanger Hoseok hurried and snatched it from the younger.

“No.” He crumbled it in his hand. “Not this one, pick something else.” His voice was high pitched, almost hysterical. 

“Is everybody okay at home?” Kihyun grunted while rolling his eyes. 

“Then, I will take this one. Is it okay?” He picked another dark sweatshirt that looked fairly similar to the black one. 

“Yeah.” 

“Thanks.” Kihyun put the hanger back while closing the door of the wardrobe, swinging the bottle of aspirin back and forth.

“God, I feel terrible.” He mumbled while shuffling out the bedroom. 

“I am borrowing the bathroom first.” The younger yelled while opening the fridge.

Hoseok heard sounds of greedy gulping and a moment later doors to his bathroom were shut. 

He heard the younger humming to himself.

Shortly after he turned on the music that was followed by Kihyun’s singing.

* * *

Hoseok sat on his bed staring at Hyungwon’s sweatshirt being wrinkled in his hand. 

He has forgotten he had it.

Why did he have to overreact like that?

He didn’t get a plausible answer even when it was time to go meet Hyunwoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Hoseok 'borrowed' a shirt from Hyungwon 20 or 25 chapters ago and I decided to use it now because why not. ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ
> 
> It was a short one huh.


	49. In this moment

Hoseok knew.

He had seen it coming for a while and dreaded it. 

He had an irresistible instinct to rush from the restaurant but at the same time, he was relieved.

He was relieved that finally, they were going to get to the bottom of this business.

Maybe after talking it over Hoseok would finally be able to breathe properly again.

Or maybe it wasn’t the case.

As soon as he glanced up he saw two pairs of watchful eyes.

They made him want to leave them just there. 

They were staring at him both sternly and melancholically. It made him restless. 

As if they couldn’t help but pity Hoseok.

Hoseok closed his eyes for a long moment and rubbed his temple with his fingertips.

He then heard Hyunwoo making an indistinct noise in the back of his throat.

It was a nice and beautiful restaurant.

Even though Hoseok has never been there before, Hyunwoo claimed they serve top tier burgers.

Hoseok looked up to see Kihyun greedily emptying his glass of coke.

Hyunwoo just kept on lazily blinking but the tightness around his mouth gave his true feelings away. 

“So what’s up?” Hoseok leaned against the chair trying to look composed.

“I hate it.” It was Kihyun who put the glass down. 

Hoseok watched the way condensation was sliding down the glass, ending up wetting a nice white and red checkered tablecloth.

The place was nice and he was looking forward to his meal but it looked painfully cliché.

“What do you mean?” Hoseok dragged his eyes back to Kihyun.

“This whole situation.” He rubbed his eyes.

“You don’t need to – “

“Stop with the broken record talk, Hoseok.” The younger grumbled. “Let’s stop, please.”

“Stop what?” Hoseok felt himself swallow thickly.

“It’s my fault.” Kihyun said instead.

Hoseok had a hard time catching up with the younger’s train of thought.

“It’s our fault, we haven’t noticed your mental confusion. I mean – “

Kihyun picked up the glass again and emptied the last swing of his drink.

“I mean I had a feeling you are repressing everything in some deep, dark, twisted place.

I also knew that the day would come when you snap.

I didn’t know it’s that bad.” Kihyun found Hoseok’s eyes.

“What is he talking about?” Hoseok turned to look at Hyunwoo who was sitting at the table, rubbing his chin. 

“He is talking about you and your unhealthy coping mechanisms.”

“Which are?” 

_Did Kihyun want to mention his intense liking for medication? But he didn’t know. He couldn’t._

"I am sorry I wasn't able to understand your feelings, Hyungwon - .” 

And as soon the name rolled off Kihyun’s tongue Hoseok whipped his head in his direction, eyebrows furrowing.

“Again?” He snorted, exasperated.

“Let’s put it to an end.” It was Hyunwoo.

“Why does everything we talk about has to do with him?”

“You affect each other more than you yourself realize.” Kihyun said simply.

“You are axagger- “Hoseok started but he was interrupted.

“No.” Kihyun shook his head. 

“You tend to overthink but that’s just wrong. 

Thoughts are always darker and emptier than feelings. If only you and him – “ Kihyun started to trouble his lower lip. 

“You’re too stuck up for honesty, aren’t you?” 

“What does it have to do with anything?”

“It’s over.” It was Hyunwoo. “Stop eating yourself from the inside.”

Hoseok glared at the older.

“Look, if you want to pry into my personal business it’s your thing, but don’t teach me how to live because I – “ 

“Why?” Kihyun wondered. “Have you noticed what has happened to you over the past months?”

“No?” Hoseok swallowed.

“You don’t know? Drinking a little too much? Wondering around drunk? Blacking out at someone’s house?” Kihyun raised his eyebrow.

“How do you know?”

“He called me that night but I was asleep.” Kihyun’s eyes were fixed on Hoseok.

“I didn’t know Hyungwon was such a gossip.” Hoseok shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“Where is the damn food?” He thought to himself.

“He wants you to be happy.” It was Hyunwoo.

“We’ve destroyed everything or maybe it was me. Who the hell cares now?” 

Hoseok mumbled while turning in the kitchen’s direction. He didn't mean to be heard. 

“He knows.” It was Kihyun. “About you and Minhyuk.”

Hoseok slowly turned his head to look at the younger. He thought his heart skipped a beat.

“See?” He couldn’t help but snort. “As I said – “

“His opinion didn’t change about you, Hoseok.” It was Hyunwoo.

“Hyungwon is more reasonable about this situation. Perhaps he has to be.

You have a lot of issues, Hoseok.” Hyunwoo took a deep breath.

“You drink a little too much and you go to bed with random people way too often.

But I could close my eyes and excuse you. I could find a half-assed explanation that it’s just a phase. That it will get better.

The only thing I cannot close my eyes to is the way you have these attacks of amnesia when it comes to Hyungwon. 

I may not know him as long as I do you but I care for him.

You deny things, you keep on pretending this or that didn’t happen and expect the rest to play your little game.

That’s not how it works.” He said with a stone-like cold expression on his face.

The food has arrived and no one spoke until the waiter was out of earshot.

“It infuriates me how light-heartedly you treat him.” He finished with his dark brown eyes fastened on Hoseok.

Hoseok sat very still, pushing the black thoughts away.

He thought the tension between three of them would be lifted and make him feel better but it didn’t. Quite the contrary.

No one spoke for a very long time.

It seemed as if eternity has passed.

He glanced at the food and it lost its appeal and the smell was now making him nauseous. 

When Hoseok was little, like any other kid he was scared of darkness and monsters that were hiding under his bed.

With time he learned that monsters don't disappear. They just disguise in different forms such as self-doubt, regret, and loneliness.

Even though Hoseok is much older he is still scared of the darkness. But this time it's mental darkness. 

Suddenly, without any warning, he was struck by a horrible thought.

_Is this how it is? Is this how it’s going to be from now on?_


	50. Redemption

Hoseok took a deep breath. 

The pounding agony inside his head was so great he could hardly concentrate.

Nausea was swelling inside his body in big, harsh waves.

His whole body was saturated with gloomy despair and he thought that everything would come back to the norm if only he could lie down for a few moments.

If only he could lie very, very still, and make it disappear.

Instead, he looked up first at Kihyun who was silently fighting his hangover, but he looked hopeful.

_What does he hope for?_

But then Hyunwoo grunted and he was pushed back to reality.

“You know – “ The oldest mumbled.

“Stop it.” It was Kihyun who kicked him in the right ankle.

Hoseok turned to look outside the window.

The rain was lashing at the window.

He didn’t have an umbrella.

It was at this moment that realization, some sort of divine awakening hit him like electroshock.

The time has come.

He had to unseal the taboo name. 

He had to open a small box that has been hidden within his deepest parts of the mind.

He had to try to look at his own feelings with clarity and honesty.

He needed to.

He needed to stop himself from going mad.

He knew.

For a long time, he has been aware that he had to get rid of this suffocating vacuum where he was alone with himself and his own mistakes.

It didn’t matter whether he is offered forgiveness.

It didn’t matter whether he is condemned.

Anything but what he has been dealing with for long days, tiring nights, exhausting weeks, and draining months.

He was so sick of lying he had an urge to come clean. And so he finally did – 

“To hell with this, you’re right.” 

Hoseok closed his eyes, exhaling sharply, bringing a hand to his chest.

He heavily leaned against his chair as if he’d been shot.

For a moment everything was quiet but Hoseok didn’t dare to look their way.

He bit his lower lip while inhaling full lungs of air.

“You’re right.” He repeated once again louder.

“I like him. I probably liked him since I laid my eyes on him in that little bar. 

But you know the way I am. 

I don’t have trouble getting what I want but I am not good at this.

I am not good at relationships of any kind. 

You’re probably the only two people who genuinely give a fuck about me.

Kihyun has been nagging me since the beginning, while you, Hyunwoo -” 

He didn’t dare to look up. 

He looked down to his right hand under the table in a pretence of inspecting his fingernails but his hand was violently trembling. 

He pushed it into his pocket a moment later. 

“I understand why you’re vexed. 

If someone was playing either of you I would probably do something even worse.” He chuckled.

“I – 

I am an asshole.

Sometimes it’s hard to be with myself.

Hyungwon, he – 

I was scared and I trapped him inside my own misunderstandings.

He opened to me while I was putting up walls.” 

At this, he gazed up at Kihyun who was so stunned he seemed to turn into a statue.

Hyunwoo just dumbly, no other word could describe it better blinked at Hoseok.

“Say something?” Hoseok’s voice was tight and nervous.

“Wow.” Kihyun showed signs of life by blinking.

“Hyunwoo, pinch me because I am not sure if I am dreaming.” 

He kept his eyes fixed on Hoseok.

“I haven’t heard you being so honest in a hot minute.” 

Hyunwoo picked an individual fry and threw it in his mouth.

“Congrats, you’re human again. When it comes to Hyungwon though –

_Ouch._

What was that for?” The oldest moved his foot away after Kihyun stepped on it violently.

“Don’t listen to him. You have a chance with him. I feel like he likes you.” Kihyun grinned.

“I know. He – 

I – “ Hoseok stuttered.

“I mean I think he does but I don’t think I stand a chance.

Some relationships do not have to happen even when feelings are involved.” He turned to look outside the window again.

“I am glad you understand.” Hyunwoo’s voice was serious but comforting. 

“He is everything I didn’t want.

He is everything I want.” 

He finds himself whispering barely audible and he wonders if the words even reached the other two.

Hoseok didn’t notice when Kihyun reached for his hand across the table. 

He put his other one on Hoseok’s and clasped it.

“Take your time.” He looked up.

“Everything is going to be alright.” He smiled.

Hoseok doesn’t remember seeing the younger being so out of shape and he wonders what kind of gasoline he had been served the night before but then something rings in the back of his mind.

The motion of his back being rubbed, quiet words of comfort whispered into his ear.

He shyly smiles when a short flashback of the night before appears in front of his mind. 

He looks up at Kihyun and hums. “Yes, mom.”

“Oh fuck you.” Kihyun groans while slapping Hoseok’s hand away. 

He falls back into the chair, asking a waiter for another coke as he starts vigorously eating.


	51. Metamorphosis

_Two weeks later._

After what Hoseok had been through he was a little sick of everyone. 

He didn’t seek anyone’s company and no one was looking for him.

All he wanted is to be left alone.

Except in class he was attending with Kihyun they didn’t talk.

He felt strangely free.

Free from all the baggage that was weighing on his soul for a very long period of time. 

He took long walks, he started working out again.

During this whole time, he stopped by a party on campus only once. 

The girl was sweetly whispering into his ears. He could go with her. He could have her but he didn’t. 

However, the most important accomplishment Hoseok was proud of – he started to write and compose again. 

His chance to fail his most important class slimmed down considerably. 

He wasn’t in a dark, stagnant void anymore.

He wasn’t the one who lost control.

He wasn’t the one who gave up all the thinking.

He wasn’t the one who lived by the mere reaction.

He wasn’t an empty vessel.

Not anymore.

It was wonderfully quiet within his mind.

At last, he was filled with a sensation of freedom.

_Yet._

Yet, deep inside he knew. Something was off. The only thing he didn’t know what that something was.

* * *

It was Wednesday evening when Hoseok was walking up the stairs when he heard indistinct yet familiar voices.

When he got to the fifth floor the door to the infamous 514 was wide open.

He slightly rolled his eyes when he noticed the shorter of the two standing with his back towards him.

“Do you suppose he is alright?

“Well – “ 

At this, the other looked Hoseok straight into the eye.

“Hello.” Hoseok said before reaching his door, rummaging through his bag in the meanwhile.

“Yeah.” Jooheon cleared his throat.

Changkyun said nothing. He slightly turned to look at Hoseok’s direction but a moment later he was gone inside the flat.

Hoseok found the keys and closed the door behind him with a speed of lightning only to be met with a small paper bag that has been laying by the entrance for the past two weeks.

_Maybe that’s what is bothering me? A piece of clothing? Do I just need to return it to be in peace? _He thought to himself.__

__He sighed as he threw his stuff to the floor, picking the paper bag next and opening the door._ _

__He immediately met eyes with Changkyun who was throwing two bags right next to Hoseok’s foot._ _

__He looked down at the bags and then at the younger._ _

__There was no expression on his face. It was perfectly tranquil._ _

__“Hey.” Hoseok took a step forwards while the other took a step back._ _

__“Is Hyungwon at home?”_ _

__“No.” His voice was low and a prickle rose on Hoseok’s nape._ _

__Why is he making him so uncomfortable?_ _

__“Okay, it doesn’t matter. Can you give it to him?” He extended his hand but the younger made no intention to take it._ _

__“What’s that?” His eyes never left the older._ _

__“I found the keys.” Jooheon stepped out while jiggling them in his right hand, a backpack draping down his left shoulder, a laptop tucked under his armpit._ _

__“What’s going on?” He frowned while turning off the lights in the hall._ _

__“You aren’t robbing your friend, are you?” Hoseok joked to make himself feel more at ease but instead, it made him even more nervous._ _

__“Is there something you need, Hoseok?” Jooheon asked while tilting his head slightly to the right._ _

__The other two were standing at the entrance door. He felt as if he was burnt under their collective gaze._ _

__“Yes.” He whispered._ _

__“Yes, you can. Give it to him when he comes back, will you?” Hoseok took another step towards Jooheon and this time he accepted the bag._ _

__“What’s that?” He peeked into it but Hoseok already turned around and was determined to leave it at that._ _

__“His shirt.”_ _

__Hoseok grabbed the doorknob and turned it and he was just a couple of seconds late._ _

__Just a moment away from finding his peace._ _

__“Hoseok.” It was Jooheon._ _

__“What?” He turned his head over his shoulder to look straight at the younger._ _

__“Keep it.” The other guy threw the bag right at Hoseok._ _

__It landed on the floor, part of the sleeve peaking out._ _

__“It was his. Why would I keep it?” Hoseok gritted through his teeth._ _

__“You kept it all this time. It’s fine, really.” Jooheon shrugged as he pushed Changkyun slightly into the shoulder._ _

__Both of them stepped out and Hoseok watched him close the door._ _

__Changkyun lifted the bags that were lying next to Hoseok while Jooheon pocketed the keys._ _

__“You can throw it away. Hyungwon won’t care.” The youngest said while walking to get the elevator._ _

__“I don’t care.” Hoseok sighed while pushing the door wide open._ _

__“Okay.” Jooheon picked up the bag and crumbled it under his armpit._ _

__Something in the corner of Hoseok's mind was giving him the warning._ _

__It was that little, almost nonexistent part of his mind that was giving him a red flag. But he couldn’t see it._ _

__“Where is Hyungwon?”_ _

__“None of your business.” Changkyun muttered while double pressing on an elevator button._ _

__“Away.” Jooheon smiled while facing the elevator. “Bye, Hoseok.”_ _

__The elevator doors were opened and a moment later he was the only left on the floor._ _

__“Huh.” He closed the entrance door and took his shoes off._ _

__“Did he run away from me?” He padded towards the fridge._ _

__“Nah.” He grabbed a beer and opened it._ _

__“Can’t be.” He took a big sip._ _


	52. Let it out

It was a little bit after 3 PM on Friday when Hoseok entered the library.

He was going through the book in the back when he heard a low cough. He looked up. He met the gaze of the dimpled face.

“What is it?” Hoseok asked.

“Nothing much.” The other shrugged. “Why do I have a feeling I am looking for the book you’re holding?” He took a step forward.

“It was the last one and it's mine.” He closed the book. “Sorry.” He passed by the other by and headed towards the checkout.

“Look.” Jooheon grabbed him by the forearm. “Both of us know we need to have the paper done by the end of next week. Can we share it?”

“Ask someone else.” He sighed.

“Can I at least copy?”

“Do you want to copy half of the book?” Hoseok looked over his shoulder, huffing.

“Do I have a choice?” The younger was staring back at him.

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes. “I will check it out first.” He motioned the book while approaching the lady in her early 30s.

* * *

“I don’t remember seeing you in class.” Hoseok muttered as they exited the library.

“Professor Jung has two groups, I have the class on Mondays.” Jooheon ran a hand through his hair. 

“So, what did you decide?” He stopped in his tracks.

“Give me your number, I’ll call you when I will be done. You can have it afterward.” Hoseok took his phone and extended it to the other.

“Sweet, thanks.” He quickly typed his number and handed it back.

“I will treat you to something.” Jooheon slightly smiled while turning around.

“No, wait.” Hoseok grumbled.

“Yes?” The other looked at him with curiosity.

“That thing you said.”

“That thing?” 

“Yeah, about dating – “ He cleared his throat. “Umm, dating Hyungwon.”

“Oh.”The other mouthed. “Sorry, Hoseok but I don’t think it’s the right time.”

“No.” He waved his hand as if to stop him from talking.

“I don’t want anything but I am in the middle of purging myself from anything toxic so I – “

“I don’t think I understand, Hoseok. Who is toxic? Hyungwon?”

“No, god dammit.” He half yelled as he looked up.

“I am curious. 

I’ve been curious since that day.

Where is he?

I haven’t seen him since that time.

I need to apologize and get rid of all of the bad blood that’s left between us. 

Nothing else.” He breathed out.

“Ah.” Jooheon’s hand found it’s way to the back of his neck as he gave rather a resigned little smile.

“You’re in the middle of cleansing. Good for you. Nevertheless -”

“Nevertheless?”

“He is not in town.”

“Okay, when will he be back?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think he will want to see you when he is back.”

Hoseok felt a pang in his heart. 

“How do you know?”

“He doesn’t want to see anyone. Sorry, Hoseok. If only you were a little faster with it.” He clenched the stripe of his backpack.

“I need to go.” He started to walk away and Hoseok watched him for a moment and then another one and then something clicked inside him. 

Something like an invisible switch. He couldn’t help but call his name out.

“No, wait, Jooheon.” He ran towards the other. “What do you mean?”

“Hoseok, stop it.” The other looked over his shoulder, glaring.

“Stop what?”

“Everything. You don’t care, then you do. It’s beyond – “

“I can’t, I care. I am pathetic.” He whispered.

Hoseok felt the pressure building in his head.

Jooheon turned around to face Hoseok. He squeezed his eyes on the older for a long and deliberate moment.

“You’re not loved in our circle, do you know that?

Changkyun thinks you’re a freak.

Minhyuk, in general, is someone who holds grudges.

But I kinda like you. There is something about you.

It is only humane to make an occasional misstep in your private life.

But it’s different now. He needs a pillar, someone he can lean on. 

What do you want with him?”

“What?” Hoseok looked up with an extreme sense of incredulity. 

There was a long silence.

“Bloody hell, Jooheon.” Hoseok sighed as he pushed his hands inside his pockets. 

“I get it. I didn’t mean to pry. I’ll message you.” He passed the younger and walked down the hall.

He was about to disappear behind the corner when Jooheon spoke. 

“Do you want to go for a ride?”

“What?” Hoseok whipped his head to look at the younger.

“To Gwangju.” 

“Where?” Hoseok exhaled a sharp, amused sound.

“Why? I will be damned for so many reasons but there is no way around it.” Jooheon smiled.


	53. Nothing stays the same

Hyungwon woke up with a headache and mild nausea. 

The blinds were down but a ray of sun found its way towards his face. It made him screw his eyes shut.

His body felt heavy, foreign. 

The doorbell was ringing but he was too wicked not only to get the door but to merely move. 

He laid for a long moment, limbs hanging off the couch. 

The light did its damage but the ringing turned into obnoxious banging and it was irritating Hyungwon even more.

With great difficulty, he rolled off the couch and languidly shuffled towards the door.

He quickly looked at the reflection in the mirror in the hall – his red-rimmed, watery, drunk eyes stared at his stubble and messy hair. 

His mouth was dry and lips discolored. He slightly resembled a walking corpse.

“ _Cute._ ” He thought to himself before getting the door.

“You’re joking.” Hyungwon blinked first at the silhouette at the back and then his gaze fell on Jooheon who was standing right in front of him.

“I am sorry. This isn’t what it seems.” Jooheon said evenly but Hyungwon knew better.

At this Hyungwon saw a head turn around towards him. It was Hoseok.

“Seems like you – “Hyungwon gritted through his teeth.

However, before he could say anything else he made a u-turn and disappeared inside the house.

Jooheon hesitated. Then he turned to look at the other guy who was already staring back at him.

He shrugged and motioned his hand inside the house.

“What the hell happened here?” Jooheon walked through clothes that were randomly scattered around the floor and straight into the kitchen.

“Where the hell have you been?” He asked Hyungwon. “We couldn’t get in touch with you.”

He locked eyes on the older who was greedily emptying a bottle of water.

“On a bender.” He exhaled sharply while drying his mouth with his sleeve.

“You are still pretty smashed.” Hoseok’s voice echoed from the hall. 

Hyungwon eyed him for a few brief moments before grimacing.

“Why are you here?” Hyungwon groaned as he switched his attention back to the younger.

“Well, we brought your stuff and –“ 

“Where is it?”

“In the car.”

“Bring it in and get out. Both of you.” Hyungwon squished a plastic bottle in his hand and threw it into a recycling plastic bin shortly after.

“Hyungwon.”

“Why is he here?” Hyungwon’s tone was deadly.

“For a good reason. Just hear us out.”

“I don’t want to.” He shook his head.

“He drove here for three hours. Can’t even hear him out?” Hoseok sighed from the back.

“W-what?” 

Hyungwon barely managed but Jooheon was already apologizing, walking towards the taller.

Hyungwon felt his headache getting worse.

“What are you sorry for?” 

Jooheon stopped in front of the other.

“Did I do such a bad job at being a friend to you?” Hyungwon frowned at the younger.

“What you are doing is not support, Jooheon.” He said not so kindly.

“It’s condescending.

I was there for you.

I am always there for you. And one time I need you – “

He ran a hand through his tangled hair nervously.

“Just go away.”

“Hyungwon.” Jooheon made a single step to close the distance but he avoided the touch. The next moment he was passing the other by.

“Go away.” He repeated while looking towards the hall.

“You too. I don’t know why you are here but you’re no one to me. You don’t belong here.” 

He muttered before walking out of the kitchen.

A moment later both Jooheon and Hoseok heard footsteps and then a door being shut.

Jooheon sighed while turning Hoseok’s way.

“Sorry.” He awkwardly half smiled as their eyes briefly met.

“Something about the air around him seems off.” Hoseok said thoughtfully.

“Do you think so?” Jooheon said miserably.

“Yeah. What now?” 

“I am thinking about whether I should try to talk to him again or wait for Changkyun.” He slightly bit his lower lip.

 _Changkyun. Again him._ Hoseok groaned internally. 

“Maybe I can talk to him.” Hoseok hesitated. 

Jooheon looked up, eyes lively but there was something about them.

“You don’t suppose he will listen to you, do you?”

“Why not?”

“Didn’t you hear him?”

“Duh, but – “ 

“Look – “ Jooheon cut him off.

“I don’t mean to be blunt, but if you think you have a greater influence on him than me you’re mistaken.” 

“Huh. Then why did you even bring me here?” Hoseok crossed his arms defensively.

Jooheon looked out the window as he started to rhythmically drum his fingers on a table.

“I don’t know. I was going with my gut feeling.” He said slowly, weighing the words.

“You did a poor job, so?” 

Hoseok leaned against the door frame.

“I don’t know. Let me think.” Jooheon muttered while closing his eyes, taking a deep breath. 

The silence fell upon both of them for a long time.

“Well.” Hoseok finally said while looking around the room.

“You know where to find me if you feel like telling me what’s going on here.” Hoseok straightened his posture while turning around.

“Why are you still here?” Hyungwon appeared from another door.

“I thought you went to have a shower.” Jooheon looked at him.

“Why are you still here?” 

His gaze was intense, yet lacking any emotion Jooheon could latch onto.

“Hoseok, can you get his stuff?” The youngest threw the keys at him.

“Sure.” He mumbled to himself before quickly rushing out the kitchen.

“Jooheon.” Hyungwon’s voice was hoarse and void.

“You have a lot to get off your chest. Why don’t we discuss it?” Jooheon quickly asked.

“I don’t remember asking for a therapist - ” Hyungwon said dryly.

“Then ask. Ask for something.” The younger's voice rose with a hysterical edge. 

“I left you for four days and look where you ended. What have you been doing?”

Hyungwon paid close attention to the other.

“You didn’t let me finish. 

I was asking for a friend who will bring my stuff. I don’t remember asking you to bring in more weight.”

Hyungwon kept his eyes fixed on Jooheon's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you miss Hyungwon?
> 
> I can't remember the last time I wrote his narration. 👻


	54. All alone

“Hey.”

Both of them jumped. 

Changkyun was standing in the doorway. A laptop was tucked under his armpit while he was jiggling a set of keys in his hand.

“My mom can’t get a hold of you. She called you and stopped by a couple of days ago. Where the hell have you been?”

He left all of the stuff on the table, approaching Hyungwon next.

“And the most important thing, I couldn’t get in touch with you. 

You’ve been ghosting me.

All of us, actually.” He reached out and ran a hand through his tousled hair.

“You look beat, Hyungwon.”

“So damn noisy.” The oldest slapped the hand away.

“I am not done with you.” He squinted his eyes on Jooheon.

“I need a shower though.” He briefly looked at Changkyun. “I want both of you gone by that time.” He said already walking away.

“Oh.” He stopped and looked over the shoulder.

“Tell your mom I am sorry. I will visit her sometime.” 

He turned away and this time he was gone for good.

Jooheon and Changkyun listened to the wooden stairs give away under Hyungwon’s weight until it became silent.

“That was a close one.” Jooheon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Changkyun wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to elaborate so he decided to stay quiet. 

Instead he started to silently collect the clothes that were scatted around the floor.

“I’ve never seen him this messy.” He mumbled to himself.

“His fridge is empty, only booze. We need to go shopping. Do you want a beer?” Jooheon asked while staring inside the fridge.

“Nah, I am driving.”At this, he disappeared in the hallway with a heap of clothes.

“Well, I am not planning to sit behind the wheel anymore." He mumbled to himself while popping the glass bottle open.

He then shuffled into the living room. Changkyun was already there sitting on the couch, his attention was glued to the screen.

“It is not your phone.” Jooheon said, confused.

“Hyungwon forgot it.” He grinned to himself.

“Changkyun - “ The older said while sitting next to him.

“I want to know what’s going on inside his head.” He said opening one message after another.

“That’s trespassing.”

“Don’t sweat, it’s not the first time.” His voice was drifting.

“What?” Jooheon exclaimed.

“I was curious.” He shrugged while locking the phone and leaning against the back of the couch.

“So?”

“Nothing. He ignored all of the messages. Nothing to latch onto.” He sighed while looking at the ceiling.

“I thought you would stop by in the evening.” Jooheon said while taking a sip of his drink.

“Mom is freaking the fuck out you crashed at my place. Moreover, I couldn’t concentrate, so – “ Changkyun bit his lower lip.

“Ah. Where is Hoseok?” Jooheon asked out of the blue.

“I saw him getting Hyungwon’s things out of the trunk when I was parking. He said he wanted to get some fresh air.” He shrugged.

“Did I make a mistake by dragging him here?” Jooheon said disappointed.

“You don’t say.” Changkyun muttered.

“You out of all people should have known better. 

Thank god he decided to stay in a hotel. I wouldn’t be able to deal with him at my place.” He shivered.

“I am afraid Hyungwon is losing his footing. I just want to help.” He said half whispering.

“You moving in with Minhyuk was a bad idea. You take after him too much.” Changkyun scoffed.

“I was there. I was there the whole damn time.

It’s been months since this _training in losing Hyungwon_ has started.

You would know if you were there too.

And you would also know that it started the moment he met that prick.” Changkyun groaned.

“Don’t underestimate me.”

“I don’t but you had to make a choice and you made a wrong one. 

You didn’t weight that decision.

Did you ask yourself _What is it going to take to do this? And what happens after it’s done?_ ”

There was a pause.

“Did it ever cross your mind what happens if he decided we can’t be trusted anymore?”

“Why would that happen?” Jooheon cleared his throat but the youngest detected a silent note of despair.

“His brain is mush. For obvious reasons but - 

I will stick with Hyungwon’s perception. Whatever that means.” He closed his eyes.

Jooheon watched him for a little while.

“He is blaming himself.” 

The youngest whispered barely audible. He wondered if the words even reached Jooheon.

“Yeah, I think so too.”

Quite but a deep voice came from the back of the room.

Both of them turned around. Neither of them heard him walk in.

Hyungwon was more lying than standing against the back wall.

„How long have you been eavesdropping?“

Changkyun was looking at him upside down. His head was hanging off the back of the couch.

Hyungwon said nothing. He was just standing there. Supporting the wall. Maybe it was vice versa.

He crossed his arms defensively and looked out the window. 

It was a still, oppressive day. The wind was gushing in waves.

“I know you’re pissed at us but I don’t care.” Changkyun broke the silence.

“I really am not.”

“Oh yes you are, probably more so at Jooheon but I bet I will drive you insane by the end of the day.” 

He stood up and stretched out his hands while slowly yawning.

“I am fine.” Hyungwon said lifelessly. “What are you getting at?”

“Your mother.”

Hyungwon took a deep breath, pushed out a heavy sigh.

“What is there to talk about? She is dead.” 

“Are you going to repress everything in some deep, dark and twisted place until one day you snap?” Changkyun asked. 

“Except for the little tantrums you exercise on every passing by you look like a ticking bomb to me. Did you set the timer or not yet?” 

“Changkyun, don’t push it.” Jooheon’s voice was laced with sorrow.

“You heard him.” Hyungwon’s voice was distant.

“What do you want, Hyungwon?”

“Me? I want some me time.” He was still looking outside.

“We left you for four days and you turned this place into a dumpster. 

I can also deduct you haven't gone a single day sober.

Is this how you imagine _some me_ time, huh?”

“You think I screw everything. That I need a babysitter, do you Changkyun?” He said tonelessly.

“You need a friend. That’s why we are here.

If I lost my family in a blink of an eye I would want someone to –“

Hyungwon turned to look at Changkyun. His expression had changed entirely, and something about it made the younger uneasy.

“But you aren’t me and your family is just fine, Changkyun. She is dead. There is nothing to talk about.”

He finished and walked out of the room.


	55. Welcome to my cage

Changkyun followed Hyungwon into his bedroom on the second floor.

“Close the door behind you.” Echoed and Changkyun did as he was told.

The room was darkened. 

Small rays of light were peeking through the closed blinds. 

His bed was unmade. There was an empty bottle on the bedside table.

The room came off as cold yet weirdly familiar. 

His desk that he used during high school was still there. 

Random pictures were hanging on the wall. Changkyun guessed they were at least 5 years old.

His mother changed hardly anything during these years Hyungwon has been living in Seoul. 

He stood behind the closed door, watching the older staring at his wardrobe. “What are you doing?”

“Changing my clothes, isn’t it obvious?” He looked up, there was no trace of emotion on his face.

“Yeah.” The younger leaned against the door and crossed his arms but then something caught his attention. 

A little shadow darted across the room.

“What the fuck is that?” He flinched but then he realized it was a cat. Its eyes glowed up in the semi-dark.

It stared back at him from under the bed. 

“I found her when I was – “ 

He coughed. 

“ – when I was out the other night. I called her Milky.”

He took his shirt off and showed his bared, scratched arms. 

“She is not very tame. The auntie said she is a stray. She is gorgeous though, isn’t she?”

He looked in the direction of the cat. She was still young, probably no more than 6 months, long and luscious white fur.

“I don’t understand who would ever want to abandon a kitty like her.” Hyungwon said tonelessly.

“Okay.” The youngest said carefully. “You got yourself a cat, cool.”

“Yeah.” The taller snorted.

Hyungwon proceeded to go through his closet while Changkyun’s eyes ran chaotically across the room.

Changkyun noticed more empty bottles full of regret. He thickly swallowed. 

Then, his eyes landed on a small stack of papers that were carelessly lying on the drawer. 

Without a second thought he reached for them.

“It’s her will.” Hyungwon was changing into a dark hoodie.

“Oh.” Changkyun mouthed while picking the front page. “So you’ve seen the lawyer.”

“Yeah, he contacted me shortly after you left." He took off his sweat pants and changed them for black pants.

“She had it written shortly after she was diagnosed. Funny how the lawyer was more aware than I am, isn’t it?” He huffed.

“But then again, I am the one who cares only about myself.”

“Hyungwon - “

He didn’t look up. 

“Save it. I am not doing fine and you know it. I am just getting tired of my own words. You are probably too.”

Changkyun put the paper away and faced Hyungwon. 

“What are you getting at?”

He ignored the question.

“What day is it?”

“Saturday.”

“Huh.” Hyungwon raised his eyebrows. He was silent for a moment and then he said. 

“Tell me.”

“Yeah?” Changkyun leaned against the drawer.

“Why did you bring him? Was it Jooheon?”

“Sorry about that. You know how profound he tends to be.” The younger half-whispered.

“I see. He felt sorry for me so he opened his mouth. But what about you? I thought you’re on my side.”

“I am on your side. All of us are.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Do you want my piece of mind?”

Hyungwon swallowed and tried not to get annoyed. 

“It’s not what you think. I am in check with reality. I know mom’s gone. That I will never see her again.

It’s you – “ Hyungwon looked down. 

Changkyun followed his line of sight. The cat was biting the hem of his pants.

“You see the light in this dark, cold, and long tunnel while I don’t.” He slightly smiled while picking the cat that started to bite on his thumb.

“It makes me realize that I am all alone. And I hate being alone. It makes me feel – “ He walked towards Changkyun. 

“Empty.” The youngest finished before the other could say anything.

“Yeah.” He faced the younger. “Exactly that.”

“What am I here for?”

“Changkyun.” 

The younger watched the cat curl in a ball in Hyungwon’s grasp, biting on his finger with all she has got.

“I am blessed to have people like you. That one person I am comfortable saying that I am not okay. But this time it’s different.” 

“Let me help.” He finally looked up. “You are too far away from me now.”

“You can’t”

“Try me.”

“I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Changkyun.

I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

There was a short pause.

“Everything is going to be fine. You are going to be fine.” 

Changkyun was a little unnerved by the blank look in his eyes.

“Do you have a crystal ball? 

You know, I was talking to Minhyuk the other night.

You cannot imagine how annoying he can be.

He said something about _forgetting_ and _forgiving_.

I was too drunk to think about his words but now that I look at you – 

It was so him to say that. 

In theory, if someone hurts us we want to hurt them back to make it even. But here is the twist - "

Hyungwon made a pause. There was no expression on his face. Changkyun, his anxiousness evident waited for him to continue.

"Who do I have to hurt to make myself feel better when I am the one at fault?

The most I can hope is that one day I will be lucky enough to forget. 

Come on now, I need to feed this little rascal and after that, we can grab lunch or something. I am sure both of you are hungry.” 

Changkyun abandoned the idea of everything he wanted to say but had to admire Hyungwon for managing to summon up a smile as he walked out of the room.


	56. Patience

They went to the _Cloud_. It was a miserable lunch.

Hyungwon drank a good deal and no matter what Jooheon or Changkyun had to say, nothing worked on the older.

The oldest was either busy choosing his next drink or he was blankly staring outside the window.

Now Changkyun saw Jooheon dart a quick and worried glance at Hyungwon. But the next moment he was looking at the youngest.

His gaze was hopeless. He was mentally asking him to do, to say something, _anything_. But when the youngest shook his head Jooheon harshly sighed. 

In the end, he ordered a beer for himself as they continued to eat in utter silence. 

But then Hyungwon slightly shifted and it made the youngest remember one specific moment that burnt into his memory. 

It was the day of the funeral. It stopped raining early in the morning but the day was gray and muddy. 

Even though Changkyun's memories are very foggy of service or people that kept on coming and leaving there was one moment that burned into the forefront of Changkyun's mind. 

It was when the coffin was already lowered into the grave and people had the last chance to say goodbye.

Hyungwon was one of the last people to approach it. 

He lethargically moved towards the grave and threw a small red rose that was resting in his breast pocket. 

But then he bent over and picked a handful of moist soil. He held it over the grave and let it sprinkle from his fingers. 

Afterward, as he was continuing on looking down, with an ominous composure he dragged his dirty hand over his black suit and shirt. 

Changkyun remembers the way he and the rest stared at him. Hyungwon didn’t realize he did something weird at that specific moment. 

He also remembers his facial expression. The exact one he is wearing now - dull and expressionless. 

Chankgyun doesn’t remember seeing the older cry. Not before the funeral, not after. He thinks it would be better if he did.

Jooheon’s voice brought the youngest back to reality. 

“Do you want to go shopping after lunch?”

“What for?” Hyungwon was still looking outside the window, a straw close to his lips.

“You have a cat now. You feed her from your plates.”

At this, Hyungwon turned to look at Jooheon.

“You are right. It’s awful she doesn’t have her own bowl. I should probably get her a collar as well.” 

His voice was strange, a little raspy. And there was a hardly noticeable note of tipsiness.

“Good.” 

“He ditched us.” Jooheon whined.

“He totally did.” Changkyun looked around the street. There was no one that fell under the description of Hyungwon.

“What do we do with this?” Jooheon looked down at two plastic bags in his hands.

“Let’s go to his house.” Changkyun fished for his car keys. 

“He will come home sooner or later. Ah – “ 

"What?"

“Let’s do some grocery shopping while we are at it.”

“I need a shot of vodka.” Jooheon sighed as both of them started towards the car.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind having a drink myself.” Changkyun agreed. 

“Do you think he will be back by dinner?” 

“I don’t know. He really does whatever comes to his mind.” 

Changkyun unlocked the car and Jooheon threw the bags in the back seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not very smooth and the grammar sucks but oh well. Moreover, it's a very short one. I wanted to combine it with the next chapter but since the plot is altering...it's more like a filler.


	57. The darkest hour

Hyungwon lost track of the time. The moon was full and bright by the time he realized he should probably head back.

It has become his little dirty routine. 

The first couple of days he cooped up in the house, but then he started going on a lot of long walks. 

He liked to stop by a convenience store to get a bottle of wine and wander around the narrow streets he used to frequent when he was younger, parks he used to hang out at. 

His favorite spot was to roam around the riverbank while emptying the said bottle. 

His evenings, however, tended to end in the same scenario – a bar of random choosing. 

It was a chilly day and it was even colder by the river at night. 

He was sitting on one of the bigger rocks right next to the river.

He was shivering and his teeth were chattering but he refused to move. Not until the bottle would be finished and his pack gone.

Everything was still except for the tide. The waves were slashing against the cliff not far away. 

He leisurely lighted up a cigarette while throwing his head back. The moon was animatedly bright. He involuntarily sighed.

Hyungwon felt sorry for the other two. He could tell they were worried about him. 

He could also tell that he himself came off as hostile and uncommunicative but he couldn’t help it. 

_Couldn’t help it?_ He frowned. 

He had done nothing but push the others away. 

Maybe he was destined for this. 

His dull life turned into doom.

His whole life fell apart like a house of cards in a blink of an eye. Everything faded to black. 

Maybe that’s what exactly his life was.

He had nothing to lose anymore, did he?

He was destined to suffer. 

He was destined to suffer until he discovers why – “

At this, he heard shuffling next to his left ear.

“Before you say anything no, I didn’t stalk you.”

Hyungwon turned to his left. 

The motion nearly made him lose his balance and Hoseok ran to help him but the younger slapped his hand away.

He stabbed out the cigarette in an empty pack he turned into an ashtray and then turned to look at the older properly.

He was standing right next to him, his left hand in his pocket. 

His posture was calm but there was a note of uneasiness on his face. 

The taller didn’t say anything. There was no expression on his face except for the silent chattering of his teeth. 

Hyungwon could tell the elder’s evident discomfort at the lack of response but he stayed silent. He waited for him to continue. 

“Say something.” Hoseok said after what seemed like an eternity.

Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair while turning towards the river. His legs were quietly kicking at the stones. 

“What do you want from me?” He asked drunkenly.

“I am not asking for anything.”

“Show yourself out, Hoseok.” He picked a bottle and took a big gulp of it, eyes trained on the water. 

“You will freeze.” Hoseok said while trying to take his jacket off.

Before he could slip it off his shoulders the younger spoke.

“Don’t bother. I don’t need anything of yours.”

“You will catch a cold.”

Hyungwon snorted.

“Firstly, what is it to you?

Secondly, I am not the sickly one. You catch a cold when the wind blows your way. No need to impress. It won’t work.” He took another swig of his wine.

“Right.” Hoseok said while pulling his jacket back on. 

“How about we move somewhere inside? My treat.” He leaned in and snatched the bottle from the taller.

“Fuck off.” Hyungwon extended the hand but the older was already finishing it.

“Sorry, all gone.” He turned away and started to walk towards the road but then he realized he wasn’t followed.

“Hyungwon.” The older called his name. 

“No.” He stood up unsteadily while throwing his backpack over his shoulder and placing another cigarette between his lips.

And then Hoseok saw him leave in an opposite direction. 

“Hyungwon.” The older whispered to himself, clenching his hand into a fist. 

“Are you running away?” He yelled back.

It made Hyungwon stop in his tracks but he didn’t hurry to turn around. 

The suspense made Hoseok dig his nails into his palms.

But then Hyungwon snorted and looked back. His hair was messy due to an abrupt gush of wind.

“Me? Running away? From you?” 

Hoseok couldn’t tell what expression Hyungwon was wearing. He couldn’t see his face except for the burning cigarette between his lips. 

“I don’t think things can change between us.” 

Hoseok watched the way the younger inhaled and blew out a cloud of smoke. 

“I am not sure if I will be lying by saying I did whatever I could.” 

At this Hoseok started to slowly walk towards the taller. 

“ – but don’t you fucking dare say I am running away. It was you. It was you and only you who did nothing but push me away.” 

Hoseok was now standing in front of the older. A slight shadow of a streetlamp was falling on Hyungwon’s face. 

And Hoseok thought he would be angry judging by his words but there was nothing of that.

There was no anger. There was no sadness. Heck, there was no even pity. 

Hoseok couldn’t read his expression at all except for his drunken eyes. 

There was nothing to latch onto and it scared Hoseok even more. Chills came racing down his spine.

“I know. I was wrong and I am really sorry about that, but I want to make - .” He paused.

“- I want to make this time everything right.” 

Hoseok searched for some sort of response on the other’s face but alas.

“I don’t care. Not anymore.” 

Hyungwon said unemotionally and the words burnt into Hoseok’s heart. They burnt into his heart painfully, caps lock and bold. 

Hoseok’s life flashed in front of his eyes.

All of his past relationships that didn’t mean anything.

All of his accomplishments he took for wins at different moments in his life meant nothing. 

Nothing if Hyungwon didn’t care.

Even though Hoseok knew. He knew what was coming. His reaction was expected but not at all appreciated. 

Why did Hoseok even think he could turn this right?

Maybe he was full of himself for wishful thinking. 

In the end, he huffed out a short sigh.

It is okay. He at least owed Hyungwon a sincere apology.

“Why do you look so - ?” Hoseok was brought back to reality.

“ – are you disappointed, Hoseok?”

The older looked up and he wished he didn’t. There was a snide smile on Hyungwon’s face. 

“Huh.” Hyungwon said before Hoseok could say anything else.

“I will be damned. During these long, empty, full of torture months I was pondering over you and your constant, bombarding rejection. 

But look at you now. You ran after me to fucking Gwangju.” Hyungwon turned to look at the river.

Hoseok knew he should say something. 

The whole day he had been thinking. A lot.

He had been trying to find the right words, the exact feelings. 

A tiny spot that grew into a little box, drawer, a wardrobe, a room. 

Hell, Chae Hyungwon has a house of his own in Hoseok's heart by now.

And there was a long and glamorous speech he was able to come up with but it’s all gone. 

Hoseok couldn’t remember even a piece of it.

“Hyungwon – “ Is all he could say out loud and the taller chances him a glance.

He clicked his tongue before opening his mouth.

“Hyungwon this, Hyungwon that. 

I guess I should hear you out so we can have a closure?” He asked and immediately answered his own question.

“Yeah, tonight might be a good night for that. 

You need to promise you will leave Joohoney in peace after we are done.” 

He finished and without waiting for a response he started to make his way towards the road. 

Hoseok watched the reseeding back for a moment while his brain was releasing all sorts of alarms into his body. 

It started from his sinking heart and cold feet to some sort of needle-like yet numb pinching to the tips of the fingers.


	58. Waves

They ended in a bar called Cheeky Kiwi.

There was nothing remarkable about it. Hyungwon chose it because it was the first place they happened to see.

As a rule, alcohol submerged Hyungwon in a drowsy mood. Hoseok, in tow, however, put him in a tense, borderline erratic state. 

He picked the furthest table in the bar. It was a little after 11 PM. 

Both of them ordered in silence. 

Hoseok was discreetly looking at Hyungwon.

Both of his hands were on the table, his hair falling down on his face.

But then their drinks arrived and Hyungwon snapped his head towards the waitress that greeted him with a flashy smile.

Hoseok thickly swallowed the moment the younger’s eyes landed on him.

Up close, he was startled to see how pale Hyungwon was. His face was devoid of any color. 

There were only owlish, dark, hollow eyes that were now staring at him. Even his drunken state didn’t tint his cheeks. Hoseok started to think he might be sick.

Hyungwon took a sip of his drink while his eyes were trained on the older. 

When he put the glass down he loudly cleared the back of his throat. “So what’s with the whole silent thing?” 

“Hyungwon, are you sick?” Hoseok asked unsurely.

The taller quirked his left eyebrow as the corners of his mouth slightly twitched. He emitted a chuckle out of surprise more than anything else.

“Would it hurt your feelings if I said I am just _sick of you_?” The younger snorted when Hoseok’s face fell. 

It both prickled Hyungwon’s senses and brought some twisted satisfaction to see the older hurt.

“Relax, I am playing you. I didn’t come here to fight you, Hoseok. 

So talk, ask, do something. 

You make me uncomfortable when you’re unresponsive.” 

At this Hoseok’s breath hitched. 

If he had a 50% chance of Hyungwon trying to intentionally hurt him before, now he was completely honest. 

_Hoseok was making him uncomfortable._

“I will be frank, my mind’s blank. I’ve been thinking of what to say to you since coming here but it’s all gone out the window.”

Hyungwon curiously looked at him as he started to bite on the thumb of his left hand. Then his eyes absently landed on a spot right behind Hoseok. 

“I don’t understand what you are doing here. Why did you come, Hoseok?” 

He quickly chanced him a glance and a moment later he was back to staring at the front of the bar.

“I wanted to see you and when Jooheon asked if I wanted to come along I went with the flow.” He shrugged.

Hyungwon didn’t move but then he harshly sighed while brushing some strands of hair away from his face.

“We’ve been through it.” He said half whispering.

“Hoseok, we’ve been there.” He said an octave higher. 

“How many _last times_ did we have?” He looked at the older. His gaze was steady, intense.

It made the older feel high- strung.

“How many times did you walk out on me? 

Hoseok, the last time I saw you, it was supposed to be the end of it. 

The end. You ended it. 

Let me ask you again, why are you here because clearly I am not the real reason? “

Hoseok’s eyes darted to the side of the room and back at Hyungwon. He suddenly had a hard time breathing.

“Did I not make myself clear?” 

Hoseok huffed. “No, you did.” 

“Then you picked on the fact that even back then I gave you room to stay.”

“Yeah, but – “ 

“So you did.” Hyungwon interrupted. 

“But it’s not what you think.” Hoseok hurried to make an excuse.

“Hoseok, it doesn’t matter what I think because you have nothing to do with me anymore. I am making this clear right now.” 

His eyes were getting red-rimmed and his voice was getting a little sluggish but it was still Hyungwon. It was his mind speaking. 

“Do you hate me?” Hoseok blurted out.

Hyungwon groaned. 

“We had this conversation before. I don’t hate you. I don’t think I could ever.” 

There was a long pause during which Hyungwon looked up the ceiling. 

“Sometimes I want to, no, I wanted to hurt you. 

I wanted to make you feel the way you made me feel.

I don’t think I’ve ever let anyone step on me the way you did. I cannot remember how many times I let you bend all of my rules.”

There was another pause. 

“But it doesn’t matter, not anymore. 

Nonetheless, to answer your question – no. So if you are here because you feel bad, please don’t.” 

_“I can either say the truth or hide behind a lie for the rest of his life.”_ Hoseok thought to himself. _“Now or never.”_

“What if I said I need you?” Hoseok’s head was spinning.

Hyungwon stared. And he stared hard.

“I want you, Hyungwon.” Hoseok continued.

“I want you in my life.” 

Hyungwon frowned. A sense of incredulity was taking over his body.

“No.” Hyungwon choked out. “You’re lying.”

Hoseok just kept on looking at him.

Abruptly Hyungwon stood up and started to walk away but then he stopped. 

Hoseok turned his torso to look at the younger. 

For a moment, Hyungwon just stood in the middle of the bar with his back to Hoseok, his hands on his hips. 

Then he turned around and walked to sit at his previous position. 

Hyungwon couldn’t focus on what was going on because he was taken by the emotions that came out of nowhere.

He made sure he got rid of them. He made sure he sealed them, locked them away for good.

He made them disappear. He took them under control.

Why now?

He leaned back in the chair and trained his tired eyes on Hoseok. Then Hyungwon spoke. His words were low but deliberate and distinct.

“For a moment I thought to just leave you hanging but it would be wrong, wouldn’t it?” His eyes were fastened on the older.

“It’s hard with you.

Why are you doing this?

When I managed to harden my heart you show up at my door and start being sweet? 

I would fall for it if circumstances were different. 

I know I would but it’s a _no_ , Hoseok.

There is nothing between us. You wanted it. Don’t back off now.” His voice was fairly steady. 

Hoseok closed his eyes for a long moment and rubbed his temple with his fingertips.

“You’re lying, aren’t you?”

“You’re not the one to judge.” Hyungwon said defensively.

“I didn’t mean to interfere with your life anymore.” Hoseok sighed as he was looking anywhere but Hyungwon.

“I’ve done enough damage to you and even though I’ve been itching all over since I came in terms with my feelings but I didn’t mean to – “

He made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat.

“But then this guy – “

He paused.

“He said something that made me change my mind. He said that you might seem cold but it’s just a lid. A lid on a big jar that holds all of your feelings. 

He asked not to give up on you.”

Hyungwon was biting on his lower lip, letting everything sink in. 

Hoseok wasn’t sure what he was expecting but surely not what came next.

“How are you doing?” Hyungwon blurted out.

“What?”

“I want to talk about anything that’s not you saying whatever you were saying just now.

So yeah – “He tightly closed his eyes and reopened them.

“Humor me, Hoseok. How are you doing?”

“I don’t think I – “

A waitress showed up and wondered if they fancied their last drink. Hyungwon ordered double whiskey while Hoseok got a beer.


	59. Do I need your love?

A waitress showed up and wondered if they fancied their last drink. Hyungwon ordered double whiskey while Hoseok got a beer.

When the girl was gone an uncomfortable silence accumulated in the air. 

“Hyungwon, please, talk to me.”

“When are you going to realize it’s over? 

We don't fit each other. Why don't you understand?"

Hyungwon’s gaze was cold, impersonal. 

“There is nothing to fight for anymore. Thank you for coming here but your trip was meaningless.”

“I know you don’t believe that.”

Hyungwon quirked his eyebrows drunkenly.

“Really?” He snorted while reaching for his new drink.

“Did you find the answers to your problems?”

“What?”

“The last time I saw you, you were a mess. I suppose you faced your demons since you find the strength to boss me around.”

“I – “ Hoseok ran both of his hands on his thighs under the table.

He was nervous. He felt incredibly anxious.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Why do you thank me?”

“You were my answer, Hyungwon. All this time you were the answer to everything." His voice was soft.

"Why do I feel like you’re lying to me?” Hoseok changed the subject.

“I don’t lie.” Hyungwon said with a new wave of heat.

“I have never lied to you, Hoseok. Not even once. The only thing that I ever did to you was to hide my feelings for you.

I kept them sealed in the _jar._ ” He emphasized on the jar.

“But otherwise I was always an open and honest book to you. You could read me any day, any time but you chose not to. 

I don’t know whether you didn’t care or bother. Not that it matters anymore.

So no, Hoseok, I didn’t lie to you when I said I don’t want any of whatever you have on your mind.” 

“I’ve made more mistakes than I can count, Hyungwon.

The ones that haunt me day and night. 

I truly and sincerely regret everything I have ever done to you.” 

Hyungwon stayed silent. 

“We haven’t been on good terms for a hot minute but I can tell there is something going on with you. There is some sort of metamorphosis.”

He ran a hand through his hair while heavily breathing in.

“It takes a junkie to know a junkie.

I’ve been there - whiskey, denial.

But I am trying to do things right. I really am.

Whatever that might be, let me help.”

“I don’t need anyone’s help.” Hyungwon said sullenly.

“That’s not true.”

“It is my truth.”

The corners of Hyungwon’s mouth twitched.

“Do you mind getting this over with? I can’t stand the monologue.”

“Funny, because that’s part of your MO, isn’t it?”

“What are you talking about? You were the one who – “

“You’re masking all the nasty pain. You’re masking the truth how hurt you are.”

“Oh yeah?”

“What’s wrong, Hyungwon? What happened to you?”

“Do you want to know? Do you, really?”

“Yes.”

“You, that’s what happened.” He squeezed the glass in his hand.

“You, you, and you. You and my feelings towards you.

Do you know why I am here instead of Seoul?” He was speaking rather loud for his usual self.

“N-no?” 

“Jooheon cared enough to bring you here but didn’t bother to explain, huh.” 

Hoseok read his tone as mean.

“My mother died, Hoseok.” His voice was back to his usual intonation.

Hoseok felt a sinking feeling in his chest. As if a heavy bell fell right next to him, making his entire being vibrate. 

“I am – “

“Don’t.” Hyungwon put a hand in front of the older to stop him from talking.

“It was the last stage of cancer. She found out too late. Nothing could be done. Really.

She burnt out in a matter of a month.” He looked inside his glass.

“Now is the fun part. While my mother was dying I was busy thinking about what I did in my previous life to deserve your attitude." He said breathlessly.

"Why did I have to bring a drunk out of this world Hoseok who couldn’t even remember my name home?

And why is it that in Hoseok - landia it was appropriate to come to my place right after and give me some half-assed apologies so that the next day I would have to get wasted beyond myself just to forget? 

I declined to arrive to see my mother when she called me the next day because I was hungover as fuck."

He took a sip of his drink.

"But it doesn’t end there, because I refused to come to see her a month earlier as well. For the reason that it was the time when I was wallowing in sorrow – 

_Oh._

Once again because of my feeling towards you. 

Overall, I wasn’t in the right headspace to see my mother. 

I am surprised Hyunwoo took me back after I ditched him at one of the most crucial moments “ He said casually.

So yeah, the next time she called it was already too late.

She died on me two days later.” Hyungwon took a greedy gulp of his drink. The whiskey burned his throat as he involuntarily made the face.

Hoseok spoke first.

„Look me in the eye, Hyungwon. Say it again.

Blame me for the sorry state you're in.“

Hyungwon looked the older straight in the eye.

„I told you not because I want to blame you. 

I don’t want to think you have anything to do with it because you really cannot help it.

It’s me. It is on me.

You wanted the truth and I gave it to you.

You can move on now, Hoseok. You need it.”

“What about you? How do you cope?”

“I am just fine.” 

“Let me – “

“No, you don’t understand. Whatever you say –

I don’t believe it.” Hyungwon said with a heavy chest.

“In what?” 

“In you.”

Hoseok thickly swallowed.

“You don’t think I am sincere and strong enough?”

“You’re angry, self-righteous, and moody. For all I know, you might be back to your ‘get away from me mode’ tomorrow.” 

“Don’t say that to me.” Hoseok said barely above the whisper.

“Not you of all people.”

“I don’t want to but it’s the truth.”

“It’s late.”

“Yeah. Hyungwon, I will do my best to save you this time. I am not giving up on you.”

“Do you even believe your own words?” Hyungwon looked at Hoseok glassily. 

His expression had changed entirely, and something about it made the older uneasy.

Hoseok brushed the crushing feeling that was looming over him off.

“It’s okay. I will make you feel my words even if you don’t understand or believe them.

Hyungwon looked up when Hoseok reached for his hand that was resting on the table.

He gently caressed it before bringing it to his lips.

He gently kissed his knuckles twice before Hyungwon pulled back. 

“I will visit you tomorrow again. I will make everything right, Hyugnwon. This time around, I will make you happy. 

I want the best for you. 

“Pretty words. And what happens _when_ you realize you are not what’s best for me?” 

Hoseok’s glance skittered anxiously around the room.

“When.” Hoseok said painfully. “Not if.”

Hyungwon slumped further in his seat and sighed. „Yes.“

„I will let you happily go.“ Hoseok mastered a tight-lipped smile.

„All you do is lie. I am going home.“ He said vexedly.

A moment later there was a screeching sound of the chair. Hyungwon bent over to pick his backpack when he heard his name being called.

"Hyungwon." The voice repeated.

Both Hyungwon and Hoseok turned to look at the origin of the sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	60. Stillness of the night

It was Changkyun. He was standing a couple of tables away. 

When both Hyungwon and Hoseok landed their eyes on the youngest he made a couple of confident steps towards their table.

He first fixed his eyes on Hoseok. 

He searched for something but when he didn’t find any prominent feelings he curtly nodded and switched his attention to the taller.

“You had to tell us you are seeing him. We were worried.” 

He said while snatching Hyungwon’s backpack from his hands, throwing it over his left shoulder next.

“I – “ He bit his lower lip.

“We met by chance.” Hyungwon said while looking at the younger. “You are angry.” He said carefully.

Hoseok watched the way Hyungwon’s brows furrowed.

“No, I am not.” Changkyun said lowly.

“Just uneasy. I felt bad not knowing where you are. At least pick up your phone if you are going to be late.” He sighed. 

“And how did you find me?” 

Changkyun loudly coughed but didn’t hurry to respond. 

“Changkyun?” Hyungwon asked in his usual soft but a little slurred way.

“ Well – “ 

“Well?” He leaned in front of the younger, searching for his eyes.

“Next time don’t leave your phone unattended.” He said averting his eyes. He noticed the smallest smug smile on Hoseok’s face.

“Jooheon pokes his nose where it doesn't belong by dragging Hoseok here, you are spying on me.” He chuckled.

At this, both Changkyun and Hoseok tensed up.

“I am glad Minnyuga didn’t come.”

“I am fine with being the bad guy but Hyungwon, let’s go home. Alright?” The youngest said while clenching on the strap of a backpack.

“Yeah, we were about to wrap it up. Am I right, Hoseok?”

Hyugwon looked at the older. So did Changkyun.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He smiled bitterly.

“I will get the bill. Go home.” He was now reaching for a jacket that was resting on the chair next to him.

“It’s okay, I’ll get it.” Changkyun glared at Hoseok and then looked at Hyungwon. 

“Can you walk on your own?” He asked while getting a wallet from his back pocket. 

“I am not that drunk.” Hyungwon grumbled. 

“Okay, wait for me outside.” 

“You know you don’t have to – “ Hoseok started but Changkyun was already out of his earshot. 

A moment later he was talking to the bartender, pointing at Hyungwon’s and Hoseok’s table.

“What’s wrong with him?” Hoseok’s voice was tired.

“It’s his way of saying thank you. He is probably surprised I haven’t passed out in some ditch or whatever he has been imagining.” Hyungwon shrugged while standing up.

“Bye, Hoseok.” Hyungwon passed him by without waiting for an answer. 

Hoseok watched him turn around the corner, heading towards the bathroom.

He stood there for a moment before heading out the door. 

He glanced at Changkyun who didn’t pay him any attention. He was aimlessly looking at the mirror bar, his wallet in hand.

* * *

The alcohol warmed his body but the moment he stepped out Hoseok felt chills going down his spine.

He shivered while pushing his hands into his pockets. It was dark. Darker than he imagined. 

Hoseok has never been to Gwangju before. He skipped a school trip to the city when he was in middle school. 

He had never had any reason or chance to come to the city afterward. Until today.

He wasn’t sure what he thought of it yet. 

However, he did notice that the nights were colder and darker, the stars were brighter than in Seoul.

And the most important thing - Hyungwon grew up here. He wasn’t sure why but it fit his image inside Hoseok's mind. 

“Where is Hyungwon?” A deep voice asked from behind.

Hoseok snapped his head back. “He went to the bathroom.”

“I see.” He said while taking a deep breath. 

Hoseok let himself sneakily peek at the younger from the corners of his eyes. 

He was looking somewhere up the starry sky, he could see his white breath. He copied him. 

“Well – “ Hoseok harshly sighed. 

“Thanks for taking care of the bill. I guess I will own a junior. Somehow that doesn’t make me feel good.” He said while starting to walk away.

“You don’t owe me anything. Aren’t you going to wait for Hyungwon?” 

Hoseok stopped and looked over his shoulder.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Did he tell you?”

“About his mother? Yeah.”

“And - ?”

“What are you implying?”

“What are you? Enemies? Frenemies? Do you want him back or is it vice versa? Or are you walking away to never come back?” 

“I hope it’s the latest.” He cleared his throat.

Hoseok couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I suppose it’s time for me to get angry?”

“We don’t need to pretend we are on good terms when Hyungwon or Jooheon are not here.” The younger shrugged.

“I don’t think it’s been your issue. Like ever.” Hoseok laughed out loud.

Chagkyun took a deep breath, pushed out a heavy sigh. “Whatever. Just a wild guess but did you or did you not confess to Hyungwon-ah?” 

Hoseok opened his mouth but no words came out.

“No, it’s fine.” The younger waved the words away.

“You don’t actually have to respond to my stupid guesses.”

“You can always ask Hyungwon if you’re curious.” 

“He doesn’t talk. Not anymore.” Changkyun’s voice was raspy. Next, he felt his phone vibrate in his trouser pocket. 

Hoseok watched the way the younger swiped right and answered the phone.

“Jooheon, what’s up?”

At this Hoseok pulled his own phone out of a jacket pocket and typed in the address of his hotel in the google maps. 

He quickly glanced at Changkyun who had his head turned towards the bar’s direction. He saw Hyungwon making his way out through the window.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting.” Hyungwon mumbled as soon as he pushed through the door. He breathed in full lungs of air. 

“It’s fine. Jooheon, see you in a bit.” He hung up and kept his eyes fixed on Hyungwon who silently started to walk away.

Hoseok was nowhere to be seen.

“How is Jooheon?” 

Changkyun made a couple of brisk steps to keep up with the taller.

“He is fine?” The youngest semi asked, semi answered quizzically.

“Did you walk here?” He turned to his left to meet eyes with the younger. The other just nodded.

“Should we walk back as well?”

“But – “ And Changkyun wanted to say something else but he decided not to.

“Sure.”


	61. Hollow

Hyungwon got out of bed and crept into the hall. He went past the guestroom. To his own surprise, it was empty.

He walked down the stairs straight into the kitchen.

Jooheon and Changkyun were sitting behind the kitchen counter, two cereal bowls next to them.

Hyungwon also noticed Milky that was sleeping on Jooheon’s lap.

“She really likes you, doesn’t she?” His husky and sleepy voice cut through the morning, serene essence.

“Did we wake you up?” It was Changkyun.

He looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall. It was a little after 9 AM.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything except for lazily shrugging.

Jooheon watched the way the oldest picked a sleeping cat and cooed at her the moment she began to stretch out.

“She is adorable.” Jooheon said while shoving a spoonful of cereal behind his cheek.

“She is.” Hyungwon’s eyes were on the animal. 

She lazily yawned and leaned into the touch when Hyungwon began to rub behind her ear. 

“She doesn’t seem to like me too much though.” He said the moment the cat started to leisurely fang his index finger.

“She is young. She needs love and care. You are hardly home. What do you expect from her?” Jooheon said casually.

Changkyun loudly swallowed while Hyungwon fixed Jooheon with a mysterious yet insufferable glance. Changkyun had to look away.

“You’re right. I have a bunch of adults to take care of me because I am either incapable to be trusted to be left alone or it is way too obvious I am not handling this well.

What did I even think about while picking her up?” 

He gently put her on the floor and she dashed to play with a ball Hyungwon paid for yesterday.

However, he wasn’t the one who opened the toy. He wasn’t the one who played with her.

He deeply sighed.

“What made me think I could do it?”

“Not worthy.” He said it to himself but the other two heard him well and loud.

“I never said you are not worthy.” Jooheon put the spoon into the bowl, turning Hyungwon’s way properly.

“These are all excuses.” Hyungwon looked outside the window and then he was back to looking at Jooheon.

“There is nothing wrong with the truth.” 

Hyungwon smiled. Jooheon slightly opened his mouth and gaped like a fish for a moment or two while Changkyun deeply frowned.

“Any plans for today?”

He was still smiling. His lips were arched up in a soft smile he tends to give but it didn’t reach his eyes. They were hollow and cold.

Changkyun thought that the strings that were pulling the lips up might as well snap.

“Whatever you like.” It was Changkyun. 

“I will take a bath and then we decide, how about it?” 

“There is a storm coming.” Was all that Changkyun mumbled the moment the taller left the room.

Hyungwon took his sweet time.

It’s not that he didn’t want to spend time with the other two. 

It’s just that he could hardly breathe with the constant pressure in the air. 

Hyungwon felt the way they were trying to mend themselves under him. The way they tried to please him.

_When does it stop?_

He changed into a white, oversized button-up and black jeans. 

He’d rather slipped into another pair of pajama and stayed curled in his sheets but his egoism had limits as well.

He wondered where he should take the other two as he was walking down the stairs when he heard indistinct sounds.

“Guys.” Hyungwon’s voice was monotone.

He massaged his corners of the mouth with his index finger and a thumb.

“Smile, you prick. Stop making a sour face.” He said inside his mind before walking headlong into Changkyun.

“Chankgyun.” Hyungwon smiled yet again and the youngest shivered noticeably.

“We have a guest.” He said rolling his eyes.

"Who?"

"Your personal Lucifer." He waved his hand and walked into the kitchen.

A moment later he was out with a set of keys, his phone, and wallet.

“Where are you going?” Hyungwon trailed after him.

Both of them walked into the hall and Hyungwon noticed Jooheon and Hoseok talking on the porch.

“Oh no.” Hyungwon muttered.

“What?” The youngest turned around. “Do you not want to see him? Should I ask him to leave?” He asked eagerly.

“I thought he wasn’t serious.” Hyungwon huffed a short sigh. “It’s fine. The second time is a charm.”

“It’s the third time.” Changkyun tilted his head to the right. “Are you sure it’s okay?” 

“Where are you going?”

“I will stop by my mom's. She cooked some meat and side dishes for you.” He pocketed his phone and wallet.

“I guess we will have lunch with her and Jooheon was rumbling about new headphones so - .” He shrugged.

“- or we can wait for you. I just thought you need time with – “ Changkyun pointed his thumb behind his back while rolling his eyes once again.

Hyungwon chuckled to that.

“Thank you.”

“Call me if you need anything. Call me if you don’t need anything. Just please – “ Changkyun sighed. “Don’t disappear.”

“I won’t.” 

He wasn’t smiling anymore but for the first time since yesterday, Changkyun saw something lively in the older’s gaze.

“Cool.” He turned around and walked out the door.

“See you.” Jooheon turned to give Hyungwon one of his bright, dimpled smiles, and then both of them were out of his sight.

Hyungwon’s eyes landed on Hoseok who was awkwardly standing on the porch, blinking.

The taller looked at his own clothes and sighed.

“Why did I even bother?” He made a u-turn while softly grumbling. “What are you standing there for? Come on in.”

Hoseok took his shoes off and walked down the hall.

“What do you want to drink?” Hyungwon was opening and closing the cabinets.

Hoseok swallowed. He forgot when was the last time he saw casual Hyungwon. 

When was the last time he saw Hyungwon making him coffee? His chest swelled at the forgotten familiarity. 

“Coffee?” Hyungwon looked Hoseok straight into the eye.

“Yes, please.”

“Sugar and milk?”

_He remembers._

“Yes.”

Hyungwon was in the middle of waiting for the coffee to brew when Hoseok spoke up.

“I am sorry.”

Hyungwon started to tap on the table.

“I just remembered what I was dreaming about.” Hyungwon said instead.

“What was it about?” Hoseok slid into the stool behind the kitchen counter, his eyes were trained on Hyungwon's back.

The younger closed his eyes while trying to visualize the dream. 

“It was a full moon. There was –“

Hyungwon opened his eyes and started to pour the coffee while running a hand through his hair.

“It wasn’t a human but – “

A pause.

“A wolf. Yeah, it was definitely a wolf. It was chained in this hideous, dark, little cage, walls and blankets in shreds.”

Another pause.

“It was twisting in agony. It tried to escape but it couldn’t.”

Hyungwon turned around and put a cup of coffee in front of Hoseok.

“Were you the wolf in the dream?” He blankly looked at the black coffee.

“No.” Hyungwon fetched a carton of milk and leaned forward to add a tad to Hoseok’s drink. “I was just an observer.”

“Okay.” Hoseok was now looking at his milky coffee.

“I remembered the dream because of your face. I think the one in my dream was you.”

“Huh?” Hoseok looked up at Hyungwon who was now throwing a cube of sugar into his cup.

“Yeah – “ Hyungwon squinted his eyes while looking outside the window, he had his right hand in the mid-air. He was thinking, trying to feel something.

In the end, he looked straight at Hoseok.

“Yes, indeed. I am positive the chained animal had to be you in my dream.”

“O-kay.” Hoseok reached for the teaspoon Hyungwon was putting on the table and for a brief moment of time, Hoseok brushed the tips of Hyungwon’s fingers.

A rush of adrenaline went through his entire body like electroshock.

“So, how did it end?” He was now eagerly stirring his coffee. He didn’t dare to look Hyungwon straight to the eye.

“I set you free but the moment your chains were off you jumped me. Tore into my throat.”

At this Hoseok had to look up. Hyungwon blankly stared back.

“Technically it wasn’t you. I don’t even know why I told you.” He turned back to finish making his coffee.

“I shouldn’t have told you.” He finished stirring his drink and threw the spoon into the sink.

“I won’t hurt you, Hyungwon.”

“That's what everyone says but at the end that's what everyone does." Hyungwon dragged a heel of his hand down the side of his face. "Including me."


	62. Listen

Hoseok felt his mouth hang open as he tried to think of something to say. In vain.

Hyungwon turned around and leaned against the kitchen table, a mug in both of his hands. 

He quietly blew at the hot substance. When he was satisfied he took a sip. He then put it down to his right side while locking eyes with Hoseok.

“I am sorry, Hoseok. I didn’t mean to – “ 

“No, no.” Hoseok waved his hand in the air. “It’s fine.”

“But it is not.” The taller chuckled. “I am just exhausted and nervous. 

It is possible my brain takes refuge in silly things like dreams when I ought to concentrate on things that are both overwhelming and terrifying.” 

He spoke without blinking. Hoseok’s eyes widened for a fleeting moment. 

“Terrifying?” The older half-whispered. 

Hyungwon slightly nodded while putting an index finger on his cup. He wasn’t looking at Hoseok anymore. He unknowingly ran a finger across the rim of it.

“I thought I am the only one who is scared.” He cleared the back of his throat. “I thought you don’t care.” 

Hyungwon huffed to that.

“You’re right, I don’t. I made sure I took everything under control but you make my efforts go to waste. The moment I saw you I knew it won’t end well for me.”

“Why do you think so?”

“Because it never ends well.” The taller said while squinting his eyes on the mug. “Hoseok.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I heard you yesterday. I tried to listen to you – “ 

“ Hyungwon.”

“Mmm?”

“I want the best for you.” He said weakly.

“I don’t want to steal your freedom. I have no intention to change your mind.” He said wistfully.

I will try to make my amends for my behavior but you need to understand that I’ve never meant to make you suffer.

You haven’t heard even a third of what I wanted to say.

The only thing I ask you to is to hear me out.

Yesterday, I had a feeling I have a 50% chance of making up with you, today it’s close to zero but just hear me out." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"You didn’t close the door in front of me. You didn’t tell me to go to hell. I am still here – “ Hoseok moistured his lips. 

"Even if the best isn’t me the burden will be lifted from both of our shoulders. Even if just a little bit.” 

Hyungwon looked at the older with interest. 

“I let you in for the exact reason but it is reassuring we are on the same page.”

Hoseok swore he could see Hyungwon’s once frequent but now short-lived warm and genuine smile.

The oldest looked back at his coffee as he traced his brow with the back of his hand.

“You seem troubled.” 

Hoseok snapped his head back at Hyungwon.

“I mean, that’s a primary aspect of your personality so I sometimes ignore it.”

Hyungwon coughed. “I used to ignore it.”

“Right now I worry about you.” 

“What about me?” Hyungwon’s voice was bewildered. As if the younger was asking _Why are you even telling me this_?

Hoseok sighed as he ran a hand over his left thigh. He thought he started sweating.

“I was done for, Hyungwon. The weight of all of my mistakes -” He heavily breathed in.

“I couldn’t take it anymore.” He harshly breathed out.

“You know, I used to dream about you as well.”

Hyungwon made a surprised exclamation but Hoseok continued before the younger could say anything.

“Even though you did come to my dreams in a human form but that’s not what you were.

You were my guilty consciousness, my shame, and regret. 

Even though, you weren’t the only one who I used to dream about. 

A couple of times I dreamt about people I met once, maybe twice in my life. However, I hurt them and it haunted me.

At that point, it didn’t matter how big the damage was. 

You, however, were my primal point. You weighed on my mind the most.” 

He bit on his lower lip as he continued to look at the marble surface of a kitchen island.

“You were lingering on my mind during the day. Thoughts about you were eating me alive by night. 

At some point, I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I was so lost, so damn lost.

But it changed the moment I admitted all of my feelings. I also took on your pain, Hyungwon.

It’s strange to think it helped but it totally worked for me.

I know you never did anything but try to help." 

He stopped as his voice was getting unsteady. Hyungwon didn't speak and Hoseok was too afraid to look up. 

When his intonation came to the norm he spoke again.

"Every single time.” He bitterly smiled. “But you need to understand one important thing.” He swallowed. 

“I like you. I've always liked you.

I liked you from the very beginning.

I liked you the moment I laid my eyes on you in that bar.

I liked your long legs, silvery voice, and lazy smile. 

And from that point on my feelings only continued to grow. 

They grew faster than I could handle. 

Heck, I have a feeling they grew faster than yours." 

“You’re joking.” Hyungwon gasped.

“Do I sound like I am joking?” Hoseok looked up miserably.

Hyungwon furrowed his brows and averted his gaze.

“Don’t get me wrong. I understand why you don’t believe me. It’s just – “ 

He stretched his hands up in the air and interlocked his hands while breathing in and out. 

“I am free. I am finally free.

I think I just don’t feel guilty anymore. 

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like crap. 

Do you remember the first time I saw you after you confessed to me?

You were wearing that long padded jacket that makes you look like a penguin from afar?”

“W-what?” Hyungwon nearly choked on his coffee.

“Yeah, I was so confused back then why you didn’t want to talk to me.

And don’t get me started on your junior. I’ve been so jealous of Changkyun I could hardly look myself in the mirror.” Hoseok huffed.

“So that’s what it was? Jealousy?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened.

“Oh yeah. That one time both of you walked out of the bathroom at a frat party? I thought I might kill him.” He smiled to himself.

“Of course it didn’t end just there because the moment you moved next door – “ At this Hoseok’s eyes darkened. “Pride.” He whispered.

“What did you just say?”

Hoseok fake coughed. “I said it was my pride that took over." He said louder.

"Kihyun kept on nagging me about my deviant relationships. Back then he didn’t believe I liked you. He thought I wanted to conquer you.”

“This exact idea crossed my mind the moment I saw you yesterday.” Hyungwon said nonchalantly and the words landed like a jab on Hoseok’s heart. 

Hoseok looked straight at Hyungwon.

“I am sorry.” His gaze fell on a cabinet behind Hyungwon and back at the taller. “I really didn’t know what I was doing.”

“Don’t mind me but have you got a stash of happy pills in your pocket or something?” 

Hyungwon tilted his head slightly to the right while taking another sip of his coffee.

“If being drunk on your love is an option.”

“Wow, gross.” Hyungwon blinked.

“Hyungwon - “

Hoseok jumped off the stool and the taller immediately stiffened. 

“Don’t.” He put the mug on the table. “Don’t you dare come near me.”

“I just – “ Hoseok walked around the island with his ring and middle fingers tracing across the marble surface.

“Don’t!” Hyungwon rose his voice.

“Please.”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Lee Hoseok. I hear you, I listen to you but don’t come near me, you –“ 

The older took a shaky breath in.

“Hyungwon, you always found faith in me. 

I think I might go crazy at the idea of what kind of pain I’ve been causing you with all of my mixed feelings.

The least I can do is return the favor.” He put his palm on the cold marble.

Hyungwon looked at the older for a brief moment before he was back to looking outside the window. 

His eyes, Hoseok thought, were like deer at the headlight. He swallowed the lump of gooey bitterness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is one of the most important parts of the story so I want to make everything right. However, I cannot look at this chapter anymore because I keep on editing and editing and then my mind's a mess with a lot of deleted bits and I suppose this is where the 'holes' in my story come to life so yeah - 
> 
> I hope you liked this one.


	63. Wish

“This time.” Hyungwon broke the silence. “ – a year ago. What were we doing?” 

Hoseok glanced up at the taller who was still mindlessly looking outside. 

His facial expression was back to normal but something about his gaze filled Hoseok with inexplicable anxiety.

“What are you getting at?” 

Hoseok stood very still. He was waiting, he wasn’t sure what for but he hoped for something that would lift the tension and make it better.

It seemed as if an eternity passed before Hyungwon spoke.

“We didn’t know each other. That’s what.” His voice was unemotional.

The older took a deep breath as he closed his eyes.

“What do you want from me?” Hyungwon asked barely above the whisper.

Hoseok wasn’t looking at the younger anymore. 

He leaned against the side of the kitchen counter, fixing his eyes somewhere outside. He wondered if they were looking at the same spot.

“I told you before. I am not asking you for anything.”

“Well, then ask for something so I can finally get over it.” 

“You know I cannot ask you for anything, Hyungwon. You know it damn well. I know what I want.”

“What?” 

Hoseok heard Hyungwon’s body shift. It was followed by a snort. 

“Are you going to continue with _‘I want you’_ babble?”

Hoseok deeply sighed. Before he could master anything Hyungwon continued.

“It’s just that I get to this place where I am okay and then you show up. I have to start all over again.”

It was quiet for a moment or two.

“Do you know that I am seeing someone?”

At this Hoseok whipped his head.

Hoseok’s gaze skittered across Hyungwon’s face. A couple of moments later Hyungwon fixed his eyes on the older.

“Minji – nice, quirky, and a lot of fun.”

Hoseok thought he saw a snide smile but a moment later his expression was back to dispassionate.

“I didn’t know.” He bit his lower lip. “I am an asshole, am I not?” Hoseok was quiet for a while.

“I was sleeping with her because even though my heart was broken my sex drive didn’t go anywhere.” He looked away, shrugged uneasily.

“I needed a distraction. I don’t want to say she was your replacement but that’s exactly what I am saying.

So, I am not sure who is the real asshole in this situation.” Hyungwon said in the most bored tone.

“Replacement?”

“Well, I did confess to you, didn’t I?”

“Yeah but - “ 

“Back to the point. I didn’t break her heart or anything, we were fuck buddies from the very beginning.”

Hoseok swallowed at the _fuck buddies_.

“I was thinking I was getting better but you kept on showing up. You kept on doing that.

Every time I thought I am never seeing you again –“

Hyungwon took a deep breath.

“And I have to be honest I was starting to feel like myself again.” He exhaled sharply. “Almost.”

There was another short pause.

“I was getting over you but what were you doing?”

It was quiet for a while.

“Hoseok?”

Hoseok looked up at the taller. Hyungwon’s eyes were unapologetically cold.

“What were you doing? Are you saying all of these months while you were tearing my soul apart you were actually in love with me?” 

“I – “ Hoseok felt the world crashing down under his feet. “I understand why you are angry with me but – “

“Angry? With you? Why would I be?

Just a couple of wasted months of feeling worthless and then another couple of months or maybe years to get over my last kin’s death because I am a dick. 

But yes, that’s nothing because you personally came to help me. 

And yet, I can’t stop being suspicious that you do not miss me but what we had.

What? You couldn’t find a match?” His voice was both disturbed and irritating.

“Hyungwon.” 

“Why? Am I wrong? What do you even like about me if all you could ever compliment me on was my body –“

“Hyungwon!” Hoseok shouted while looking straight at the younger.

The expression in Hyungwon's eyes was hard to read.

“What - ?” Hyungwon continued because Hoseok kept quiet as he continued to stare at the younger.

“Do you not like the truth? No, but wait. Maybe you are just confused?

Maybe what you feel towards me is pity? Just yesterday you were ready to do what’s best for me but you changed your mind when I told you about mother.” 

Hyungwon’s husky voice was ringing inside Hoseok’s ears. 

“Did the weight of the words pressured you into saying all of this? 

It’s a little hard to believe since there was nothing between us from the very beginning. Well, except for sex.” Hyungwon huffed a short sigh. 

The pounding agony inside Hoseok's mind made it hard to concentrate on Hyungwon's words.

“This relationship was never meant to last forever. No promises, no future, no nothing.

So yeah, how would our lives look like if we didn’t meet that day?

Do you ever think how – “ 

“Stop it.” Hoseok’s voice rose with a hysterical edge.

“Enough. That’s enough, Hyungwon. I don't want to listen to it. Your feelings are your own but you don’t have the right to dictate mine.

They are mine and mine alone.” Hoseok said miserably.

“I will apologize to your girl for stalking you but I am not leaving until after you forgave yourself.” His eyes were burning.

Hyungwon laughed bitterly. “She was never mine. Moreover, I think she is interested in your short friend.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Kihyun.”

“He has a girlfriend.” Hoseok scrunched his nose.

“Had one. They broke up a while ago and you would know if you paid attention to him.”

Hyungwon bit his lower lip. “You know, he cares about you. Never said a bad word about you.”

“One step at a time.” The older cut off.

“I am here for you. Do you – “ He cleared the back of his that.

“Do I what?”

“Do you like her? Are you in love with her?” Hoseok's voice was barely above the whisper.

“Of course I do. But no, I am not in love with her if that helps you sleep at night.” 

“You are mad, aren't you?” The older sighed.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything but took a couple of big steps in order to face Hoseok.

He looked at Hoseok with a blank expression. Then he laughed.

Hoseok's eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

“What is it?” Hyungwon put both of his hands on the countertop on both of Hoseok’s sides.

He leaned slightly forward, his moderately long dark hair was falling in his face. Hyungwon had a dark, secretive, complex expression.

Hoseok thickly swallowed as he turned to the left, refusing to look at the younger.

“What do I have to do to make you leave?” Hyungwon said softly, breathily. Hoseok felt his breath linger on his neck.

“You don’t mean it.” Hyungwon watched Hoseok bite onto his lower lip hard.

Hyungwon tsked. “What makes you think so?”

“You.” At this, he turned to face the taller.

Hyungwon's dark eyes were already fastened on Hoseok's. The proximity made them cross their eyes on each other.

“As long as I touch your heart – “ He nervously blinked. 

“As long as there are emotions left.” He moistured his lips. “I know I have a chance to make it right.” 

He was looking at Hyungwon’s heavy eyes that were first squinted on him but became owlish as the last words were said.

Pressing his lips together Hoseok reached towards the younger's face. Hyungwon didn't flinch. He continued to stare. 

Even when the older moved his corners of the mouth with a slightly shaking hand up, Hyungwon kept on looking.

As soon as Hoseok moved his thumb and index finger away, the soft smile he was able to form with his fingers evaporated.

Hyungwon's face was pale, his expression wry and his eyes - 

At times like these, he wished he had something to hide behind. 

But then another long-forgotten memory appeared inside Hoseok's mind.

Staring was an important part of Hyungwon's dictionary. When things got out of hand it became his only form of communication.

He remembered 'the first to avert their eyes is a loser' game. At least that's how Hoseok read the mood. 

He never got to actually ask the younger about the meaning behind their numerous staring contests.

Now, however, he might finally get a glimpse of what is behind Hyungwon's front.

Hoseok's heart was thumping so wildly he thought it would burst in his chest.

"What are you thinking about?" Hoseok's voice thick with unidentified feelings. 

"Isn't it obvious?" Hyungwon said with a melodramatic roll of his eyes but no matter how skeptical he looked his voice was serene, silvery, soothing.


	64. Confide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, it's the longest chapter so far.

"What are you thinking about?" Hoseok's voice thick with unidentified feelings.

"Isn't it obvious?" Hyungwon said with a melodramatic roll of his eyes but no matter how skeptical he looked his voice was serene, silvery, soothing.

Hoseok made no reply but felt his Adam’s apple reply on his behalf.

Hyungwon’s gaze skittered from left to right until it stopped on one specific spot of Hoseok’s eyes. He huffed a short sigh.

“No, not that one.” He said as if answering the question Hoseok never got an opportunity to ask. The question he never got the time to even formulate.

Hoseok didn’t know where to concentrate his attention first – his feelings, Hyungwon’s feelings, Pythagoras theorem, or what else but in the end all he could see and feel was Hyungwon’s stare. 

Up close he looked like hell – purple bags under his eyes as his dark eyes were smoldering, slowly setting Hoseok's being on fire. 

He looked tough and composed and he totally tried to suppress Hoseok.

The way the younger was looking at him hit him like electroshock.

The way he could bulldoze everything else aside just by looking at him and demand and get all of Hoseok’s attention.

At that moment of time, there was only one man in the whole world. 

Without a warning, Hyungwon leaned closer to his left ear. His scent came as a shock to Hoseok. Maybe it was a surprise at the sudden intimacy.

Hoseok made a startled, harsh noise.

“Are you flustered?” Hyungwon breathed down his neck. A moment later they were back to looking at each other. 

Hoseok grunted something in response and left the younger to decide how to interpret it. 

Hyungwon didn’t mind. He slightly nodded to his internal dialogue. 

For a while, both of them just stood there and listened to a clock ticking.

In Hoseok’s case, it was his erratic heartbeat that mirrored straight to his temples.

Hyungwon’s actions were sly. 

He didn’t touch Hoseok but they were so close at times he could physically feel the other. 

He didn’t kiss him. He hovered next to him. 

He leaned too close when he wanted to say something.

He let his fingers wander next to Hoseok’s.

He was so close that if Hoseok wanted to take a look at his striped socks he would immediately bump heads with Hyungwon. That’s how close they were.

He made Hoseok yearn. To yearn for a crumb of human contact. He made him yearn for Hyungwon.

Hoseok was in deep trouble. However, he didn’t dare to move. He didn’t dare to make the first move.

So the only thing Hoseok could do is to watch everything he didn’t want, everything he wanted to lead him on –

Or not –

Because the next moment Hyungwon briefly closes his eyes and pulls in a deep breath. When he reopens them, the younger’s gaze is already focused somewhere inside himself.

If before Hoseok could see himself, he could see the bits of himself in his gaze, then now – 

It’s all gone in the blink of an eye and Hoseok wishes he had a time machine.

Hyungwon pushes back, making Hoseok immediately miss his semi - warmth. 

He watches the younger reach for his cup of coffee and something else from the first drawer. He walks outside without sparing Hoseok a glance.

He was already sidelined. He was pushed from Hyungwon’s consciousness.

For the first time since arriving he is scared he knows the answer before the younger says it aloud. 

The door made a hardly clicking closing sound and Hoseok watched the younger flicker a cigarette out of the pack, lightning it a second later. 

Hoseok bit onto his lower lip. It was at this moment that he realized he is probably going to lose Hyungwon for real.

There is no one to blame but himself. He robotically makes it to the couch and falls on it heavily.

The already quiet room grows even more so.

* * *

It’s been more than ten minutes and Hoseok finds himself staring at the clock, the arrow is moving so painfully slow yet so loud he can barely think straight.

Hyungwon is nowhere to be seen.

He sluggishly stands up and totters outside, noticing the taller crouched down, playing with something.

“Is it a cat?” Hoseok thinks to himself while slipping into someone’s slippers and soundlessly approaching the younger.

For a moment he weights his actions and wonders if he has the right to touch the younger, nevertheless for once he goes with Hyungwon’s wish.

He stops at a respectable distance and watches him petting the white cat for a moment or two.

“I wish I could tell you that it gets easier.” Hoseok breaks the silence.

“I wish I could tell that with time it hurts less -” He pushes his hands in his pockets.

“I wish I could tell that it hurts less but it would be a lie.

These moments never stop hurting, but that doesn’t mean that you should stop fighting, Hyungwon.” 

Hyungwon keeps on petting the cat in repetitive motions. Hoseok finds it hard to properly breathe. 

“Let it go.”

If Hyungwon feels Hoseok’s stare boring a hole into his back, he is definitely good at ignoring it.

„Leave the past in the past. There is nothing you can do about it now so it’s just baggage. Let it all go. You’ll feel a lot lighter.”

“Is this what you do?” Hyungwon spoke for the first time.

“Yes, I try to, every single day.” Hoseok shakily breathes out.

“Life is suffering. The world is wicked but still, you find reasons to keep living. You are strong, Hyungwon. Don’t give up.” Hoseok’s voice cracked and raw.

“Are you crying?” The younger said softly.

“No.” The older croaked. “No.”

And then Hyungwon stops.

He stops petting the cat and finally turns around and glances straight at Hoseok while standing up and readjusting his pants on the knees. 

His eyes never leave Hoseok’s. Hoseok doesn’t cry but he is at the edge of the rope as he thickly swallows.

Hyungwon blinks once, then twice.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while and – “

Hyungwon’s eyes flicker to the dashing cat that tries to run into the house but smashes right into the glass door.

He emits a light chuckle and Hoseok doesn’t remember when he has been this nervous.

He watches Hyungwon walk to the door and slightly open it for the cat. After closing the door he reaches for a cigarette and lights it up with his back to Hoseok.

He throws the lighter on the table and turns to look directly at the older, inhaling greedily.

“ – and?” Hoseok had to destruct himself with anything but that cigarette hanging loosely between Hyungwon’s lips.

“Did I change your style?” Hyungwon said evenly.

“Style?” Hoseok blinked.

The younger flicked off the ash into the ashtray and flopped into the chair next to the table.

Hyungwon didn’t speak until he crossed his ankle over his knee, balancing an ashtray next.

“In people. Did I change your taste in people?” He finished with a forced, tight-lipped smile.

Hoseok’s eyes widened as it clicked inside his mind. 

“No.” Hoseok’s voice is curt and uncertain. 

Hyungwon slightly shakes his head and he knows he was caught on his shallow lie. 

“I resemble neither Minhyuk nor any girl you’ve ever met.” He says calmly but he doesn’t look at the older anymore and Hoseok feels like screaming.

“I know where you’re leading, Hyungwon but it’s not like that. I am not trying to kill some time just for the fun of it or whatever you have on your mind.” 

“No?” Hyungwon sweeps a speck of invisible dust off the table. 

“Then, are you chasing the original high?” A cloud of smoke escapes from his mouth.

“Hyungwon.” Hoseok breathes out in defeat.

“Hyungwon what? At least I am trying to reason you. I am trying to find an answer for you because clearly, you are not sure yourself.” 

“You’re wrong.” Hoseok manages to say but Hyungwon doesn’t stop there.

“You are clearly not.” He says with new heat.

“Even now all you got to say are a couple of pretty sentences yada yada yada.

How nice. But it still doesn’t explain the part why you like me and why you did what you did.” Hyungwon’s voice filled with a dark edge.

“I can see you, Hoseok, but I am in a blur for you. I was and still am.

Sometimes people like others because they don’t know them enough to dislike and I wonder if I am just one of them. You don’t know anything about me.”

Hyungwon silently chuckles to himself. He puts the ashtray away and disentangles his legs, leaning in, his elbows on his knees.

Hoseok watches the younger’s hair cover his face, a cigarette silently dying out in his left hand. His breath traps somewhere in his body.

“I am sick of trying.” Hyungwon mutters to himself. “I am sick of fighting. I am lost.” He throws a now finished cigarette into the ashtray.

“Hyungwon.” Hoseok takes a couple of steps and crouches next to the younger. He is about to brush Hyungwon's hair behind his ear but stops in midair. 

Hyungwon glances at him and he looks tired. He can read it in his vacant eyes. He doesn’t try to think of anything anymore. 

Hoseok has never been afraid of Hyungwon’s outbursts but it’s the withdrawal that makes him lose confidence in the last thread that connects them.

“It's not like that.” Hoseok breathes hard as his eyes cast to the ground.

“You prefer coffee to tea. You have a cabinet designed only for snacks. Your favorite color is probably black, considering your wardrobe consists of nothing but black. You listen to Epic High and Dynamic Duo when you are in a sappy mood. You have an impeccable sense of humor. You are both sensitive and perceiving. You are sarcastic but you are kind."

Hoseok stops for a moment. As he sighs he starts to speak softly but without a fail.

"Sometimes I think you know me better than I do myself.

I know that there wasn’t much I used to need but you changed that. 

There is nothing you can reveal about yourself that I wouldn’t want to know. Have some confidence in yourself. Have some trust in me.

Me wanting and needing you might be the greediest yet the most genuine thing I might tell you today.

However, I didn’t lie when I said I want the best for you. Tell me, Hyungwon. What do I do?

One word and we will never meet again.” He heaves a heavy sigh.

“I am amazed at how we were brought back together in the first place. How similar we are in the worst ways.”

I lived imprisoned in this mansion with dark, thick walls while you were nothing like me. I thought I could use you.” He said in a harsh whisper.

“I didn’t know I was using you but I understand now that that’s exactly what I was doing. 

It breaks my heart that this time around you are the ghost captive inside your own mansion."

Hoseok bites hard onto his lower lip.

“I don’t ask for much, just – “

“Okay.” Hyungwon heaves a heavy sigh.

“Okay?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we can mend whatever – “ Hyungwon furrows his brows. “Whatever.”

"You leave or you stay it’s whatever.” Unsteadily, Hyungwon locks his eyes on Hoseok’s. “Let’s see if you suck me dry or not.”

“Cruel.” Hoseok mutters while sighing. “So cruel.”

Hyungwon softly scoffs. “You called me cold and cruel once before. Back then you liked this aspect of me.”

Hoseok glances at Hyungwon whose eyes are already on the older.

“Shall we dance?”

Hoseok thickly swallows.


	65. Let's start over

Hyungwon opened his eyes.

He had been having a nightmare but that wasn’t what woke him up. Someone opened the front door downstairs. 

Hyungwon blinked a couple of times to comprehend his whereabouts. 

He rolled over to look outside the window. It was near dusk, the sky was growing black in the distance.

He sighed while rubbing on his left eye. He slept through the entire day.

His attention was brought to the door. He stared at his closed bedroom door as the footsteps were coming closer. 

A moment later a dark silhouette peered inside the room.

“Jooheon?” Hyungwon whispered. 

“No, Hoseok.” He whispered softly back. “Did I wake you up?” 

“I heard footsteps.” Hyungwon groaned as he fell back on his pillow. 

“I fetched my bag from the hotel.” He said lightly. “Jooheon and the junior are on their way here.” 

Hoseok went to sit on the edge of the bed. It was too dark to see Hyungwon clearly so Hoseok settled on observing the younger's silhouette. 

“Don’t call him junior, call him Changkyun.” Hyungwon sat up. Hoseok watched his hand reach for his face. 

“I am sorry.” Hoseok turned away and looked at the hall while idly bobbing the foot of his crossed leg up and down.

“Stop saying sorry.” Hyungwon’s husky, sleepy voice sounded way too close to the older.

When he turned his head to the left, Hyungwon was already next to him. Hoseok didn’t have to see in order to feel Hyungwon’s eyes on him. 

A moment later the younger crept out of the bed and shuffled downstairs leaving Hoseok behind. 

Hoseok didn’t move for another minute or two. He leisurely looked around the room. 

Dark shapes, there was nothing familiar yet it smelled faintly of lime and mandarin and Hoseok found a perverted sense of peace in it. 

He stood up and closed the door behind, jumping down the wooden stairs, feeling content. 

Hyungwon made him nervous but the swelling feeling inside his chest he dared to call happiness tipped the balance. 

“You had to wake me up earlier.” Hyungwon said before Hoseok could even set a foot on the ground floor.

“I – “ Hoseok poked his head into a living room and when he didn’t find the younger, he crossed the hall to find him behind the kitchen counter.

“You are grumpy when you're awakened.” He sat on a stool next to the younger. “Moreover, you had nowhere to go so – “He finished in a half-whisper. 

“I didn’t spend any time with them.” Hyungwon paused. “Even though they came to see me.” He made a tired exhale. 

“I am sure they understand.” 

“It’s not about that. I didn’t make an effort.” Hyungwon grunted this time as he slipped off the stool and sluggishly made his way towards the fridge.

“What are you going to do?” Hyungwon peeked inside the fridge. “Do you want a drink?” 

“Do you have cola?” 

Hyungwon took two cans of coke out. After putting one of the cans in front of Hoseok he leaned against the kitchen counter, popping the can and taking a sip next. Hoseok did the same. 

“Jooheon is planning to return to Seoul tonight. I will go with him.” Hoseok watched the younger look inside his can. 

His eyes were moving slowly, his hair was unruly. It was obvious he was still half –asleep.

“Okay.” Hyungwon drummed against the can. “He can take my car.” 

“What about you?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow. 

“If you go by train you will get to Seoul by – “ Hyungwon’s eyes flickered towards the clock. 

“It’s almost 8 PM. Let’s say Jooheon and Changkyun come in half an hour, we have dinner and you leave by 9:30. 

You won’t get home earlier than 1:30 AM. Jooheon has a parking lot in his apartment building, it’s easier. 

I am staying till Thursday. I will take my mom’s car if it will be absolutely necessary.” His face darkened by the end. 

“I am sorry.” Hoseok muttered to himself and he wasn’t sure if the words even reached the younger guy. However, they did judging by Hyungwon’s sigh.

“I told you, stop saying sorry. It’s troublesome.”

“I would like to say hello to her.” Hoseok said instead.

Hyungwon ran his tongue over his lower lip. “Maybe next time.”

Hoseok cleared the back of his throat. “Can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?” Hyungwon hummed in his relaxed manner Hoseok had witnessed it feels like a million times but it was so long ago he forgot about these small moments. 

It hits Hoseok how much he took Hyungwon for granted. He rediscovers a man in front of him with a new sense of curiosity and genuine interest. 

Hoseok who was tangled. 

Hoseok who forgot about consciousness for so long that a sense of want, need and yearning have become foreign in his mind for a long period of time.

These foreign feelings he hasn't detected in himself it seems like in forever resurface with a new underlayer of emotions.

Hyungwon’s eyes lock on Hoseok’s. “What is it?” 

Hoseok nervously swallows. “I saw it in your eyes earlier today. You were totally giving up back there. What changed your mind?” 

Hoseok wants to avoid the gaze but nonetheless, he keeps on looking at the taller. 

Hyungwon uses his maddeningly beautiful eyes as a hex. Hoseok's head is spinning, his heart is racing. 

Hyungwon brushes some strands of hair away from his face and Hoseok is sure he does it on purpose.

However, Hoseok's blood cools down as Hyungwon's intense, steady gaze loses its power.

The fire that was internally burning Hoseok's veins is not there anymore. What he thinks he sees now is _sadness_. 

And one would think it is wrong but Hoseok is attracted to his sad eyes as well. He was attracted to the melancholy of his insight from the very beginning.

Hyungwon slightly lifts his lips upward as his gaze flickers somewhere outside. 

“Honestly? The dumbest thing.” He took a sip of his drink.

“I look at you and all I can think about is _this dumb ass came for me_.

I didn’t want to let you down. There is a part of me that wants you so I didn’t want to let it down as well. 

I don’t want to live the rest of my life with _what if_ mentality. You found the faith in me.”

He pulled a deep breath in. “The least I can do is to return the favor.” He slowly breathed out. 

“However, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It can but it doesn’t have to. Maybe it shouldn’t but it can if you know what I mean.” Hyungwon shrugged. 

“No, I understand. I am grateful, I appreciate it. Thank you.” Hoseok said thoughtfully. 

“What for?”

“For giving me a chance.”

Hyungwon stays silent for a while. “Don’t be, it wouldn’t be a lie to say I do it mostly for myself.” 

The younger snorts but Hoseok detects a note of amusement in his voice. It is neither sarcasm nor mockery. It is a genuine mirth. 

Hoseok opens his mouth to say something when both of them hear a knock at the door. 

“They have keys, why do they knock?” Hyungwon puts a can on the counter and shuffles to the hall to open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapters were emotionally intense, I dare say draining (well, at least for me) so I hope no one minds a couple of laid-back ones. Nonetheless, I do try to deliver some content...just not that much. 
> 
> Thanks for your time.


	66. Broken on the floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haaaaa....do you remember that I wanted a couple of laid-back chapters? I lied. 
> 
> Well, I had roughly two chapters in my drafts but since I don't have any self-control I deleted them and was writing this till 4 AM instead. My head is square, so please don't mind my poor grammar. I just want to push it out so I don't...wallow in it?
> 
> There is a scene that might make people uncomfortable...but I am sure people who stick with the story are of age. Moreover... Anyway, If it's too gross for you just skip a little bit...it's really short. 
> 
> And....it's a long one, again. I didn't want to divide it so -

Senseless, Hyungwon was sitting at the table trying to concentrate on what the other three were saying.

Jooheon was sitting next to him, slowly eating while talking about something with Changkyun. 

Even Hoseok was part of the conversation from time to time. Hyungwon, however, couldn’t comprehend them what so ever.

It felt as if they didn’t even speak Korean. As if he wasn’t even there. 

As if he was under the water, behind thick glass, behind a brick wall that was separating them. Even his pulse slowed down. 

Again. It was happening again.

He was fine just a minute ago but before he knew everything went crashing down. 

Hyungwon vacantly stabs at a piece of steak Changkyun’s mother prepared and shoves it inside his mouth.

He doesn’t taste anything but he continues to do the same procedure with repetitive motions because he knows if he doesn’t finish his first meal of the day someone will notice. 

He will make someone uncomfortable. And the last thing Hyungwon wants to do is to worry Jooheon or Changkyun.

He is halfway through with his meal when he remembers what he had been dreaming about.

Hyungwon dreams like any other normal person but recently it’s been mostly one dream that he kept on dreaming again and again.

_Hyungwon was standing at the doors of mother’s hospital room, trying to comprehend what the man in a white coat in front of him was saying._

_He couldn’t. He didn’t. He refused to._

_So instead he kept on flickering his eyes towards his mother who was tiredly smiling at him and back at the man whose face was more emotionless than anything else._

_There were many questions like ‘What does it mean?’ and ‘What do we do now?’ but all of them were secondary._

_The only question that was imprinted within Hyungwon's memory was -_

_“How long?”_

_“We don’t know.”_

_Hyungwon kept on pressing the issue and the doctor gave hope but it was nothing but a blatant lie._

_On a third day she was gone in her sleep._

The dream always had the same ending.

_He was walking down the hospital corridor holding a bouquet of flowers his mother loved._

_It was always the same amount of nurses in blue and ghost-like patients in gowns he had to pass by in order to get to a room he knew by heart – the left wing of the hospital, third floor, room 312._

_It took him exactly 47 steps from a hospital reception desk._

_Dizzy and on autopilot, he opens the door. The view stays unchanged._

_He is met with the same bright but empty room. A neatly made white bed that sticks out like an eyesore._

He stares into the white nothingness until he snaps back to reality.

The plate in front of him was empty, the lights were suddenly too bright and even though the other three were talking in a half-whisper Hyungwon felt as if they were screaming.

Sudden nausea came so suddenly that for a moment Hyungwon lost his breath. He tried to force the bile that was burning his throat. In vain.

“Excuse me.” Hyungwon muttered to himself as he pushed the chair back and stormed off to the second floor, locking the door to the bathroom with a bang. 

He sank to his knees while grabbing the sides of the toilet bowl and started to empty his stomach. 

He vomited everything he ate.

At some point, Hyungwon started to believe he vomited yesterday’s lunch as well.

There was a knock at the door.

“Are you okay?” Changkyun asked worriedly.

“I – “ He tried not to sound weird but a tear ran down his cheek nonetheless. “I am fine. Just give me a second.”

“Okay.” The younger replied and a moment later he heard retrieving steps.

He continued to retch until there was nothing but water coming out. 

When he was sure there was absolutely nothing left he felt a little better. 

However, his throat felt sore and his stomach was flip-flopping from all the acid slashing his insides. 

He leaned against the bathtub while splashing the toilet and letting the rest of the tears out. 

Changkyun returned from upstairs looking darker than black.

“What’s wrong?” Jooheon immediately noticed the younger’s demeanor.

“Come here for a second.” He pointed in the direction of the kitchen.

“Is something wrong?” Hoseok saw Changkyun dart a quick worried glance at Jooheon. 

He meant to stand up but the youngest motioned him to stay put. “Don’t worry.” 

Jooheon followed him a few paces behind.

“What’s wrong?” Jooheon’s voice was urgent.

“Leave.” Changkyun leaned against the kitchen island.

“Why? What’s wrong?” The older stood next to Changkyun. 

“Hyungwon – “He locked eyes with the taller but a moment later he looked away.

“Say it.” Jooheon rushed the other. 

Changkyun stayed silent. 

“If you are not telling me I will ask Hyungwon myself.” Jooheon was about to turn around but Changkyun grabbed him by the forearm. 

“Don’t, he was – “ 

“He was?” 

“He was throwing up in the bathroom.” Changkyun said in a low voice.

“What? Why? Was he - ?” 

“I don’t know if he was purging or just felt sick.” The younger finished Jooheon’s thought. 

“It would be fine if it were two of us but since Hoseok is here.” Changkyun whispered brokenly. “Just leave.”

They stood in complete silence for a moment or two.

In the end, Jooheon heaved a heavy sigh. “Fine, I understand.”

“Hoseok.” Jooheon called out the older as he dragged his feet out of the kitchen.

“What is it?” Hoseok jumped out of his seat. 

“I am sorry, do you mind if we leave now?” He said while pocketing his phone that was lying on the dining table.

“Now? What about Hyungwon?” 

“He is fine, just a little tired.” It was Changkyun who materialized from the hall.

“You are lying. What’s wrong?” Hoseok felt his blood turning cold.

“Please.” Changkyun looked straight at the oldest. “Don’t make it harder for all of us.”

He held Hoseok’s gaze for a long moment. The expression in his eyes was hard to read.

Hoseok sighed in withdrawal. “Ok.” 

When Hyungwon’s tears stopped and he could finally properly breathe again he slowly stood up and washed his hands thoroughly.

He turned off the water while putting his hands on the sides of the sink. 

He took a deep breath. Then he closed his eyes. He inhaled sharply as he tightened the grip around the sink.

There was another knock at the door. 

“Hyungwon – “ Changkyun’s voice sounded distressed. 

He snapped his eyes open as he looked at the closed bathroom door. 

_He knows._

“I am just - “ Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair nervously.

“Hyungwon, let me in.” 

“I am about to take a shower.” 

Hyungwon could sense the other’s anxiousness from the other side.

“Please, Changkyun. I promise I am fine. I will come out after I take a shower.” 

There was a long pause.

“Okay, take your time.”

“I thought I heard you.” Said Changkyun settling his gaze on Hyungwon as soon as he poked his head inside the living room. 

He was wearing a gray oversized hoodie paired with the sweats of the same color. His hair was still wet. 

The younger noticed his watery, red-rimmed eyes, and slightly puffy face. 

“Where is everyone?” Hyungwon asked quizzically.

“They left. Come here.” Changkyun put his phone away and patted a spot next to him. 

Hyungwon plopped down on a sofa next to the younger. He noticed Milky who was sleeping on the other side of the couch. 

“Did you ask them to leave?” Hyungwon tiredly stretched his legs while sighing.

“Yes, I asked them to leave. It was already time anyway.” He half-whispered, placing an arm over Hyungwon's shoulder while pulling him in carefully.

Hyungwon felt Changkyun’s fingers run through his hair in gentle, repetitive motions.

No one said anything for a while. 

Hyungwon felt sleepy and ill. However, he didn’t want to think about the second feeling that was consuming him from the inside. 

“Hyungwon, I heard you earlier.” The younger said barely above the whisper.

“I know. It was an accident.”

“Not on purpose?” 

“God, no.” Hyungwon said surprised as he turned to look straight at Changkyun.

They were very close to each other. Hyungwon couldn't remember the last time when he was this close to the younger. 

“Can I trust you?” Changkyun was searching for something in Hyungwon’s forlorn eyes.

“Changkyun.” He managed to crack the tiniest smile. “I don’t have an eating disorder if that what you are thinking about.” 

“You lost weight.” The younger said bluntly. His eyes were still running between Hyungwon’s right and left irises.

At this, the older sighed while averting his gaze. 

“It’s right here.” He pointed at his temple with the help of his index finger. “I think my nerves gave up.” 

Hyungwon felt the younger tensing up. 

“But I have to reassure you, it was the first time.” He turned to look at the younger again. “It never happened before.” He waved his hands in the air. 

There. Right there. Hyungwon felt it in a way his heart started to ache. He said something stupid or wrong. Both. 

“Hyungwon, do you understand that it can be a symptom to – “ Changkyun swallowed the rest of the words. 

Hyungwon was saturated with despair. Everything, he thought shakily, he thought everything would be okay if he – 

But before he could finish his train of thoughts Changkyun breaks eye contact. 

He wraps an arm around Hyungwon’s shoulders again. Then, he pulls him close and gently starts rubbing his right arm. 

Hyungwon takes a panicky breath in but Changkyun’s embrace is warm and he feels weirdly safe and protected. 

For a long moment, he basked in someone else’s warmth, appreciated a simple gesture.

The kindness, the spiritual calm that always radiated from Changkyun seemed so clear that for a moment Hyungwon felt the darkness lift from his bleeding heart.

There was some sort of relief. Alas, it was too short. Because before he knew it, the weight came crashing back down. Tenfold. 

“Are you crying?” Changkyun’s deep voice was close to Hyungwon’s left ear.

The older first felt the wetness of his face. Then he could taste the salt at the corner of his mouth. Damn it. 

“Sorry.” Hyungwon said in a hoarse yet broken voice.

“Shh. Don’t be.” The younger lifted his free arm to wipe some of the tears off Hyungwon’s face.

“It’s getting worse again, Changkyun.” Hyungwon wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffled.

“It hurts so much.” The older leaned onto the younger more, burying his head into Changkyun’s chest while wrapping his hands around his torso. 

“It’s ok. Tell me.” The younger tightened the grip around the older. “Stop hiding your weaknesses and put on a front.”

“I reached this point again.

I am falling apart, Changkyun.

I don’t have the strength to fight. 

I don’t have the strength to merely breathe.

I am sick and tired of my constant ups and downs.

It takes control and drags me into nowhere.

Existing is exhausting. “ Hyungwon’s voice was not out of control. It remained quiet and soft.

Changkyun has never seen Hyungwon get hysterical. If he did see him cry he was always inaudible. 

This time it was different because even though he wasn’t sobbing, he felt Hyungwon’s body trembling all over. 

Hyungwon felt the way Changkyun’s chest heavily lifted up and down. His breathing became hitched.

“I don’t feel like myself. I can’t tell who I was before anymore.

I’ve lost my identity. I am not a person anymore, Changkyun. I am a problem. I am a burden.”

“You are certainly not!” The younger said in a fast, rushed voice.

“Then -" There was a quick pause.

"Why are you crying, Changkyun?” Hyungwon looked up, meeting his gaze.

“I love you.” Changkyun sniffed while wiping his eyes with his sleeve. 

He pushed Hyungwon back to his chest, squeezing his shoulders with his left hand while gently running a hand through his hair.

“I don’t cry for you but with you. If only I could dull your pain. If only I could make it go away but it’s not within my power.

All I can do is be for you. Be there for you when you need me, us.

You matter and I want you to know it.

You are not alone...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to get back on track with my original plot from now on. I will try to get back to what I was originally planning to depict...well, with a bit of an aftertaste of this chap. I am spurring nonsense, I should stop. 
> 
> On a positive note, Happy birthday to my favorite dumpling. 
> 
> I am excited about Jooheon's upcoming mini-album and guys announced their third album so....prepare your wallets and clear your schedules ladies and gents. 
> 
> P.S. I am so sorry if it was totally unasked for but I couldn't stop myself.


	67. You

Hyungwon was lying wide awake in his bed. It was still dark outside. 

He languidly blinked outside the window. The branches of the trees were swaying from right to the left. 

There was a creaking sound. He turned to his other side.

There was another screeching sound just outside the bedroom door. 

He shut his eyes and then reopened them. It was quiet for a moment. 

Then, the footsteps started to recede. They were getting further and further away.

In the end, Hyungwon got out of bed and went downstairs. He found Changkyun opening and closing the kitchen cupboards. 

“Morning.” Hyungwon’s raspy voice spoke.

“Fuck.” The younger jumped as he turned around. “Hey, you are up early.” The younger said while getting a new packet of coffee. 

“ _You_ are up early.” Hyungwon emphasized instead. 

“I heard you roam next to my room.” He said while going to where Changkyun was trying to find scissors. “Go sit down, I will brew us some coffee.” 

“Okay.”The younger sighed while walking around the kitchen island and climbing on a stool in a jello-like manner.

“You look grim.” Hyungwon said without looking at the younger. 

Changkyun snorted. He had his elbows on the counter as he was inspecting his fingernails. 

“I haven’t cried like that in a long time. However, you don't look any better. You look even worse if I am being honest.” 

“Changkyun, I always look bad.” He said while starting a coffee machine. “There is no big difference whether my skin is drier or my already puffy face is puffier, but you – “

“Shut up.” The younger interrupted. “Just shut up, Hyungwon.”

“Why? Did I say something wrong?” He looked over his shoulder.

Changkyun rolled his eyes. “There is something you are regretting at this specific moment. Am I right?” 

“Huh?” The taller quirked his eyebrow. 

“You blame yourself. Again. Stop it. I’ve known you for a decade. Just shut up and make me some coffee. 

I will be here to listen to your darkest thoughts again.

If I won’t be near Jooheon or Minhyuk is entrusted to this duty. Stop shelling yourself. 

Life is not sugar. It’s bitter and soaked with a shit ton of nasty flavors. 

You don’t sleep well. You hang on past. You are lonely and sad. 

I want to help you to make it at least a bit sweeter and easier. Let me. Us.”

Changkyun looked up and noticed the way the older was looking at him.

He blinked once. Then twice. “What?”

Hyungwon shook his head. “Nothing. I guess I just start to realize that you are all grown up.”

“Hyungwon, I am 22.” Changkyun's low timbre sounded sullen. 

“I know, but you've always been the younger one with loneliness syndrome and sharp tongue. I like this serious side of you.”

“Are you dissing me or - ?” 

“No, I am appreciating you. Thanks.” 

He put a cup of coffee in front of the younger – heavy on the cream, low on sugar and tottered straight into the living room.

The week that followed was a solitary and a bizarre one.

Jooheon dropped Hoseok by at home a little after midnight. The whole trip was eerie quiet. 

Hoseok didn’t know what to expect from the younger one in the first place. However, the urgency, the way he didn’t get an opportunity to say goodbye to Hyungwon alarmed him. 

He didn’t get any answers no matter how long he nagged at the other. 

The only thing that Jooheon did say kept on ringing in his ears for long days and nights: 

_Everyone has done something that we have to live with, something that we are trying to make up for._

_That’s what it is – a mistake, mistakes._

_I believe that people can do better, be better._

_Prove that you are more than just a pile of garbage._

Hoseok doesn’t think the last sentence was necessary. However, he understood a little why Hyungwon was friends with a person like Jooheon.

* * *

It was Wednesday night as Hoseok was lying wide awake on his bed. 

The moon was full and very bright. Everything was silent except for Hoseok’s thoughts. They were filling his mind, room, the entire flat.

If Hoseok tried to count the number of people he slept with he would probably be on the majority side. 

He did admit he had a lot of one night stands but he would describe them as 'specific era’. 

No matter how you look at it, at the end of the day, he did date some people no matter how short-lived their relationship was. 

Nonetheless, he also loved his freedom. Maybe that’s why his relationships were doomed from the very beginning. 

However, there is always a _but_.

As a guy who had always sought out freedom and solitude, had never needed anyone else, why did he feel so alone? So lonely?

Hoseok shut his eyes tight. He tried not to think. In vain. 

In all honestly, he didn’t need anyone now either. 

He didn’t need. He didn’t care. He didn’t need anyone. He didn’t.

He just needed Hyungwon. Hyungwon.

The only person in his entire life that made sense.

It wasn’t the world peace, science, politics, religion, his stability in life, his university degree, justice, turtles in the ocean or even his own happiness. 

It was neither of the things that crossed his mind on a daily basis.

It wasn’t the idea of drowning in his addiction for once and forever that visited him more often than not. 

It was Hyungwon. H-y-n-g-w-o-n. Seven letters. 

Hyung(형) stands for smooth and no trouble and Won(원) that stands for desire, ambition, and want.

That’s what Hoseok wants – Hyungwon.

It’s not about _if they didn't meet it would be easier, or better, or different._ It’s not about him meeting someone else.

No. 

If it wasn’t Hyungwon, it would have been no one.

And now Hoseok lies in his dark bedroom and wonders whether the younger wants him the way he wants him.

For a fleeting moment, he thinks that Hoseok is someone he himself wouldn’t want around. 

So why would Hyungwon? The younger hasn’t rejected him. Yet.

Maybe he will realize it is a mistake. 

Maybe Hoseok will have a place next to the younger, but only as a friend. A jab lands at Hoseok’s heart as the thought transfers straight to his imagination.

Greedy.

He contemplates that having no one from the very beginning would have been better. 

No one is going to take that person away. 

That person would not assumingly fall out of love with you. That person would not have a chance to lose all the interest, an opportunity to start disliking or hating you. 

He heaves a heavy sigh as he stares at the dark ceiling and finally admits that he loves Hyungwon. 

He loves him.

It’s not a feeling of like anymore. It’s not that he in love with him either. It’s not a rush and a hard but a momentary feeling of infatuation.

It’s love.

He liked him the moment he saw him in the bar.

He fell in love with him during fun nights and lazy mornings. 

He realized he loved him the moment he lost him.

However, it’s only now that he finally admits it to himself.

He loves him.

Hoseok loves him and he hasn’t been this scared in his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not expect a slap in the face from Jooheon but here we are. Smoky and Dark and Cloudy are what I would call a masterpiece. His voice, I - 
> 
> What are your favorite songs? 
> 
> P.S. Don't come for me in terms of Hyungwon's name meaning...I went through a couple and yeah -


	68. So far

Hoseok looked at the time. It was a little after 7 PM. It was Thursday, meaning Hyungwon was supposed to be back. 

However, he didn’t know if he was already home. He didn’t know whether he changed his mind. He didn’t know but wished he did. 

He put on his favorite parka, slipped in a pair of black Nikes and went to knock at his neighbor’s door.

Hoseok perked up as someone was unlocking the front door. However, his face immediately fell after he met an unfamiliar figure. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.” Hoseok looked down as he was physically unable to look straight at the girl. 

A million thoughts went through his body.

He didn’t move out, did he? His friend? Maybe she was his relative? Cousin? Did Hyungwon have cousins? What if - ? 

“Hyungwon is -”

Heavier, darker thought lurked inside his mind. 

“Aren’t you - ?” The girl’s voice was saying something but he pushed it to the back of his mind. 

He tucked his hands into his pockets. ‘Minji’. He finally took a guess.

“Minji?” This time it was Hyungwon's voice saying the girl's name out loud. 

_Bingo!_ At this Hoseok forced himself to raise his head. 

He realized that the girl wasn’t done talking. He realized that he wasn’t listening. 

That he was looking straight past her. He was looking straight at Hyungwon who was watching them from the corridor.

“Wonnie.” She addressed the taller while looking over her shoulder.

"Wonnie?” Hoseok looked down at the girl. “Wonnie?!”

His eyes flickered back at the taller. He was closing the distance between the three of them. 

It was now that he noticed that his hair was still wet and his white oversized shirt was halfway unbuttoned. 

Ah. He felt it building. He felt it in the core of his entire being. Heavy, gradual, painful, wonderful jealousy.

He felt the gears rotating. 

Hoseok wasn’t the type to get jealous. 

Oh. He looked up. The girl was nowhere to be seen. Hyungwon had his eyes trained on the older. 

Jealousy. He became jealous and their relationship went down the drain.

“I can hear you overthinking.” The taller scrunched his nose and sniffled. 

Hoseok looked down. Hyungwon was barefoot. He swallowed. 

“I didn’t want to – “ Hoseok cleared his throat ‘- umm, to interrupt.’

“Are you talking about Minji?” 

“Yes.”

“I don’t think we are in the stage where I have to explain myself.” 

Hoseok whipped his head up. “What? What did you just say?” 

Hyungwon nonchalantly shrugged. 

“I don’t have the right to pry but you aren’t playing me, are you?” He narrowed his eyes while searching for something in Hyungwon’s eyes. 

The lady’s jealousy is dangerous while the guy's is fierce. 

“Why are you here, Hoseok?” The younger crossed his arms on his chest.

Hoseok furrowed. 

“Nothing.” He said lowly. “I just wanted to know how you are feeling and ask whether you wanted to come with me since Jooheon owes me a dinner.” He rambled. 

“Do you know what? Nevermind. I am sorry for bothering you.” His gaze skittered from one side of the hallway inside the flat to another. He intentionally blinked when his eyes were about to meet Hyungwon’s. 

The next moment he was turning around and walking away. 

“Here’s the thing.” Hyungwon said clear and loud.

Hoseok stopped. 

“I am not a fan.”

“Huh?” Hoseok looked over his shoulder, confused. 

“I haven’t seen you for more than half a week and the only present you can give me is what?” Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair.

“A headache? Not a fan.” He took a deep breath. 

“Stop knocking at my door if this is the only thing you’ve got to show. Yes.” 

The taller was looking straight at Hoseok. He knew. Hyungwon was answering his internal questions. 

“It was pretty obvious that you were jealous or whatever of Minji. I am sure even she got a grasp of it by the way you glared at her.” He snorted, agitated. 

“I told you I cannot trust you at the moment.” At this Hyungwon lowered his gaze. 

“By this, I meant that I need you to keep the faith.” He started to chew on his lower lip.

Hoseok thought he stopped breathing. 

“Maybe I was wrong. Maybe everything can go to hell. What am I supposed to do if I am not trusted?” He breathed out. 

Hoseok thought he started to sweat. _Was he supposed to answer? He didn't trust his own mouth. He was scared to make it even worse._

The silence that followed seemed to last an eternity.

Damn. Damn it. All Hoseok wanted to do is to shorten the distance between them and hug him. Simply hug him and feel his warmth. Was it too much to ask?

Instead, however, Hoseok watched Hyungwon blinking slowly at the floor as he was chewing on his lower lip. He breathed out and gave a brief out of place chuckle.

Oh no. No. No. No. Hoseok’s stomach started to churn. 

“I’ve been thinking about you. Have you been thinking about me?” Hyungwon’s tone was aloof. 

“Yes.” _Every single day._

“I was hoping to see you again. I guess I was even excited to an extent. Not anymore.” Hyungwon’s words cut like a knife. 

“I am sorry.” Hoseok took a shaky breath in.

“What are you sorry for? Are you sorry you came?”

“No.” _For upsetting you._

“Are you sorry for doubting me?

"No." _I am sorry for not being strong enough._

Are you sorry all of this means nothing now?” 

Hoseok looked up, shocked. “What? Who says that?”

“You.” Hyungwon’s dark eyes were trained on the older. “Your actions.” Hyungwon averted the gaze. 

Next, he reached for the doorknob and closed the door with a bang.

“No.” Hoseok whispered to himself.

“No.” he walked to the door. “Hyungwon.” He knocked on the door twice. “Hyungwon, please.” He whispered shakily while leaning his head against the door. 

“Please.” He felt the tears welling up and it took all of his will to stop them from falling.

Hyungwon heaved a heavy sigh while going to the kitchen and getting a beer out of the fridge. When he turned around Minji was standing at the doorframe, observing him.

“I heard the knocks.” 

“So did I.”

“Did you fight? Are you sure you don’t want to let him in?”

Hyungwon didn’t respond.

“It’s him. Am I right?” 

Hyungwon looked straight at the girl. Her eyes were bright and lively. 

“I am not so sure anymore.” He stared at her blankly. 

Minji slowly nodded. “You are not obliged to anyone.” She started.

“You and only you know what you want or feel, but -” She started to walk towards Hyungwon.

“Memento mori.” She whispered to herself.

“What?”

“Remember that all of us are mortals, Wonnie.” She stopped in front of him and reached out to stroke his cheek. 

“More reasons to live here and now.” She sweetly smiled.

Hyungwon took her hand in his while slightly pushing his corners of the mouth up. "Thank you." 

Minji responded with a big, toothy grin. "Come on now. Get ready. I don't want us to be late." 

She snatched his beer and walked out of the kitchen. 

Hyungwon tiredly exhaled. He didn't miss to catch a glimpse at a now completely silent entrance door while shuffling to the bathroom.


	69. Why

It was getting dark by the time Hoseok met Jooheon. He felt chills across his face. 

They agreed on a popular yet cozy restaurant that was famous for its meat. Hoseok would be fine with a ‘thank you’ but Jooheon insisted. 

They met near a station and started towards the place.

Hoseok was a step behind. His heavy heart didn’t want to let him go. The sensation of uneasiness that kept on gushing in waves weighed on his mind. 

He pondered what Hyungwon was thinking about him. Did he finally cross the line? That’s it? Was Hyungwon going to shut him out? 

He imagined a dozen of scenarios and none of them had a happy ending. He harshly sighed. 

Overall, Hoseok had a pleasant evening.

Jooheon, Hoseok noticed was a very talkative type. 

The younger talked about the class they attended. He talked about the professor and his impeccable knowledge. He didn’t fail to remind how after spring holidays he came back with greater and finer hair. 

He talked about other classes which Hoseok attended the previous year. About his passion for rap. At some point, he started to talk about family and friends. 

To Hoseok, it was a little wild. His inner storm was weirdly soothed by the other. As a rule, it was only Kihyun who had such a calming yet assertive method on him. 

After they finished dinner both of them fell into a comfortable silence. 

They ordered another round of beers when Jooheon cleared his throat. “How are you holding up?”

“Me?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow. 

“Do you see someone else?” The younger chuckled.

Hoseok hesitated. He didn’t know what the other was implying. 

Was he trying to bring up Hyungwon? Or was it more simple and he was wondering about his well being? Hoseok couldn't decide. 

Jooheon must have felt the inner monologue because he laughed once again, louder and brighter this time. “You are quite an erratic character, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?” 

“There is no ulterior motive. That’s just how I feel. 

You appear friendly and I suppose you want to exude authority and stability but ever since meeting you today I was wondering what made you make that face.” 

Jooheon briefly smirked before furrowing his brows and pulling corners of his mouth with a thumb and an index finger down. 

Hoseok’s frown deepened which made Jooheon snort. 

“Yeah, that face. I am just being friendly. Is there something wrong? You look so -” Jooheon looked around the place before continuing.

“ – so lost.” He finished and took a big gulp of his drink.

“So lost.” Hoseok copied while watching the younger drink.

“I don’t know whether I should be bringing my nonexistent love life in order to respond to your concerns.” He exhaled tiredly while leaning against the chair.

Jooheon quirked his eyebrows in surprise. “Hyungwon? Didn’t he come back today?”

“Exactly.” 

Hoseok watched the younger mull something inside his mind.

“I know.” The older held his hands up. “I know.”

Jooheon reached for his glass again but this time he didn’t take a sip.

“What about him?” Jooheon’s voice changed. It became a little deeper.

“It’s not him but me. It’s always me.” Hoseok huffed.

The younger looked up but he wasn’t looking at Hoseok. He was idly looking at the waiter who was serving one of the further tables. 

“There is one thing I cannot understand. I would never know what kind of person Hyungwon is when it comes to dating but he is a simple guy. 

He has a very fluid personality so I – “ Jooheon scratched his temple. 

“I told you before, didn’t I? I don’t think he wants to be in a relationship right now but you insisted. I can only guess how bad you want him. So, let me ask you.

Why do guys need to make it harder for yourselves?” He was now looking straight at Hoseok. His gaze wasn’t rude but Hoseok turned away nonetheless. 

Hoseok took a deep breath and was about to respond but the younger outran him.

“Search your feelings. What is it? Do you feel like you have a change of heart? The feelings you thought were there are not there anymore or -?”

“No.” Hoseok cut him off. “No. It’s the opposite. It’s just – “ 

Jooheon however kept on pressing the issue. He was getting an answer no matter the cost. 

“Then what do you want? 

His forgiveness? I think he already did since you are still walking and breathing in his proximity. 

Do you want to ease your quilt? Do you want to - ?”

“Okay stop.” Hoseok briefly closed his eyes and pulled in a deep breath. 

“I just want to go home. And Hyungwon is someone who I want to call my home. Do you get it? That’s what I want the most.”

Jooheon grinned. “So? Tell him what you feel and stop being a brat.” There was a hint of mirth in his tone.

“I came across with my feelings.” There was a pause. “Partially, but – “ 

Hoseok bit on his lower lip. “I might have blown up a little bit because I got jealous.”

“Of who?”

“This one girl. She was there when I stopped by today.”

“Minji?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought she was interested in your friend.” Jooheon said, perplexed. 

“Yeah, Hyungwon told me the exact same thing but – “

“Huh. Hyungwon is not a type to two-time.”

“I know.”

"You do?"

“Yes.”

“Then what in the bloody universe did Hyungwon do to give you an opening for jealousy?” 

“Well – “ He started but stopped immediately. “I am not quite sure myself.”

“You don’t know.”

No one spoke for a moment.

“He dated Minji for a while, if being friends who sleep occasionally is considered a relationship but neither of them was too attached. 

However, they made a nice couple. Maybe even better than both of you do but Hyungwon chose you and yet – “ Jooheon grunted in frustration. 

“I am running away from my insecurities. I don’t have enough courage.” 

The younger slowly nodded. 

“I can see your point but it’s kind of painful to watch Hyungwon dealing with everything. 

Minhyuk once told me that he kept on wondering _why_.”

“Why?”

“Yeah, a simple ‘why’.

Why was Hyungwon not good enough? 

Why didn’t he get any answers to his questions?

Why was he always wondering? 

Hyuk got an impression you undermined Hyungwon’s self-esteem. Moreover, both of you have a history of your own.” Jooheon said heavily.

Hoseok’s mouth went dry.

“Do you ever have a feeling Hyungwon brings you down with his words? Do you feel smaller after talking to him? Maybe it's his actions?”

“No.” Hoseok said hastily. “It’s quite the contrary.” He half-whispered. 

There was another pause.

“Damn, Hoseok what are you thinking?” 

“I don’t know about thinking.” He laughed shallowly.

They stayed silent for a long time, immersed in their own thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I failed Kihyun's and Hyunwoo's characters...did I at least do ok with Changkyun and Jooheon? Who knows.


	70. Need you now

It was almost midnight when Hoseok and Jooheon parted. The moon was bright. 

Everything was quiet except for the wind that has gained strength and was whistling inside Hoseok’s ears from time to time. 

He was robotically marching home, his gaze was focused somewhere inside himself. 

What is he doing? What does he want?

Hoseok’s mind had so many rooms that at some point they turned into a maze. 

He managed to open one room just to find another locked one right next to it. He found keys to two while the whole hall was wrecked. 

Denial. Secrets. Misery. 

All of these feelings like company. They pile up.

They first gather under the rug, but sooner or later they occupy an entire room. They take over everything. 

Hoseok’s mind is not the brightest place. He has been drowning for a long time. 

He doesn’t believe in destiny but the universe gifted him Hyungwon. 

Albeit Hoseok is not the most intelligent person out there but he knows. 

He knows that the key to his happiness is getting one thing that he wants and to never let it go. He should never let go of Hyungwon.

He also knows that there is always a price to pay. He is highly aware of it and he is ready to pay whatever the cost might be. Hyungwon’s worth it. 

It’s just that he is so lost and scared. He is scared of making the wrong decision. He is scared of saying nonsense. He is scared of losing someone he doesn’t deserve. 

That’s when demon’s instincts kick in. 

When he is submerged in all of the negativity. 

When he loses control and gives up thinking. 

When he is consumed by guilt and shame.

And when his heart is in sorts of states there is a high chance of him making mistakes. 

There is an invisible switch that makes a clicking sound within his mind. 

Shame. Regret. 

His innate voice of reason is angry. 

It is angry Hoseok has allowed the weakness inside himself. It is angry he allowed to plant a seed of doubt and grow a garden full of thorns within his heart. 

A whirlpool of all of the words Hoseok couldn’t say.

The feelings he couldn’t accept.

The thoughts he kept on denying.

The hands he didn’t have enough courage to hold. 

Hoseok made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat which might have meant anything. 

He was on a verge of another breakdown but he tried to push the thoughts away.

He took a deep breath while looking up at the starry sky. 

He pushed a heavy sigh out, white breath surrounded him. 

Next, he reached for his phone from the back of his pants and dialed a number he knew by heart. If only he could hear his voice. If only. 

He didn’t realize that the call went through when a hoarse voice answered. 

_Annyenghaseyo._

Hoseok’s breath came in ragged gasps. _You unblocked me._

There was a short pause. _It’s you._

There was rummaging on the other side of the line. 

_I unblocked you after a week or so. I am not a –_

Hoseok heard more rummaging. 

_I don't hold grudges for too long._

Hoseok listened, waited. 

_Why are you calling me now? Have you seen the time?_

Hoseok harshly inhaled. _Are you at home?_

_Why?_

_I need you now._ He whispered barely audible and he didn't know if the words even reached Hyungwon.

_Can I come over?_ He uttered louder this time.

Another silence.

_Fine._

Hyungwon hung up.


	71. So close

Hyungwon opened the door and leaned his head against the frame, blinking.

Hoseok half expected to be met with a sleepy Hyungwon. However, he didn’t look like he had been in bed. On the contrary, his eyes were big, dark, and wary. 

He didn’t know what to say. So he said nothing. 

Hyungwon turned unsteadily and Hoseok followed him, a few paces behind. They walked through the hall straight into the living room.

It was chilly and dim. The door to the balcony was opened and the room was filled with smoke. Music from a JBL flip essential was playing quietly. 

Hoseok watched the younger plop on a cushion on the floor. A moment later he took a half-finished cigarette between his fingers.

Technically he was sitting inside the apartment. However, he had his ashtray right behind the door to the balcony.

“There is gin on the kitchen island.” Hyungwon said without looking straight at Hoseok. “Or beer in the fridge.” He took a drag.

Hoseok grabbed himself a beer and found another cushion in the corner of the room.

For a long moment, no one spoke.

Hoseok sat with his back to the glass wall, listening to the music and slow inhaling and exhaling that was coming from the younger.

“What are you doing here?” Hyungwon broke the silence.

Hoseok turned to look at the younger. Hyungwon was drunk. He was slightly swaying from side to side but his face was perfectly composed. 

Without waiting for the response he asked another question.

“How is Jooheon doing?” He asked with a brief sideways glance this time.

Hoseok felt his heart beating faster.

“He is fine? Very talkative and cheerful.” He said unsurely while looking away and fixing his gaze on a couch instead. 

Hyungwon hummed.

“Hyungwon.”

“Yeah?” 

Hoseok heard the younger pick up a glass. 

“Do you condemn me?”

“No.”

“But I am horrible to you.” He said barely above the whisper. “I am a bad person.” 

“Maybe you should stop being terrible then.”

Hyungwon’s voice was a little raspy. “I told you before. It is not hard to love you.” 

The elder’s heart skipped a beat.

“But it’s hard to be loved by you.” It was Hyungwon’s turn to whisper. “You are so far away.” 

At this Hoseok turned to look at the younger. He was vacantly looking somewhere up the black sky.

“You are so far away” He repeated once again. 

“- that sometimes I think I imagined you. Sometimes I think my mind is messing with me. But then I close my eyes – “

The older watches Hyungwon shut his eyes and lean against the glass door. 

“ – and I can hear your voice. Sometimes I want you so bad that I can taste you. 

Sometimes I can smell that obnoxious perfume you used to wear on the weekends. Somehow I can only associate it with a hangover and dirty sheets.”

There was a pause. 

“It’s painful, Hoseok. And even though this pain is dear to me I have a feeling I am dying inside. I’ve never felt this low.”

Hyungwon’s voice is silvery with a hint of hoarseness. 

“I can’t always be the one who takes the first steps.” 

The younger opened his eyes but his gaze was aiming somewhere outside. “Any more steps and I am walking away.”

Hyungwon turned and met Hoseok’s gaze. 

Part of Hoseok was so tense he wanted to sit further away. A different part just wanted to clasp him in his hands and soothe his pain. He did neither.

Instead, he was breathing hard. He cast his eyes downward while his face flushed bright pink. 

He then reached for a pack of cigarettes that was lying next to the ashtray and flicked one out. He lighted it up and greedily inhaled. 

“I like your home.” Hoseok said while a cloud of smoke escaped from his mouth.

“Thank you.” The younger replied, slurring slightly. 

“And I like you.”

Unsteadily Hyungwon’s gaze locks on Hoseok again. For a little while, they sit looking at each other.

It doesn’t last too long because Hyungwon reaches for Hoseok. He gets a hold of Hoseok’s wrists and pulls him into the space between his open legs.

Hoseok doesn’t dare to say anything. He stabs out a cigarette in an ashtray and just sits.

He sits, one knee up one foot under, and observes Hyungwon’s movements. 

He feels Hyungwon’s cold fingertips brush along his cheek, near his jawline. He feels them run down his neck, over his throat. 

“What do you want?” Hoseok sharply inhales.

“Want?” Hyungwon’s eyes flicker up for a mere second and back to the collarbones that he was now tracing with the pads of his fingers. 

“I want to tear these clothes off and fuck. Fuck you and hear you scream for more. Then I want to lie in bed and listen to you whispering how much you regret leaving me.”

Hyungwon hiccupped and slightly swayed to the side.

“I want to hear that you will give up anything for me. That you will stay by my side. 

I want you to say that you want to be with me because it is impossible to go back to anyone but me.”

There was a brief pause and Hoseok felt Hyungwon’s fingers curl behind Hoseok’s neck. Hoseok gulped.

“And then I want to fuck some more. Maybe I want you to fuck me blindfolded or maybe I want to fuck you while choking you. Maybe both. But – “

He pushes Hoseok towards himself. 

“For now, It’s fine to be merely liked.” He hoarsely whispers into Hoseok’s right ear. “And – “

The next moment he was back to looking at Hoseok.

“ – the thing I want to do the most - ” Hyungwon’s drunken, smoky voice rings inside Hoseok’s mind.

“- at this specific moment – “ The younger’s gaze falls on Hoseok’s lips. “ – is to kiss you.” 

Hoseok takes a shaky breath before closing his lips and swallowing.

Before he knows it, Hyungwon moves his head closer to him. 

Hoseok just sits frozen. Struck and immobile due to all of the excitement.

Hyungwon leans in to brush his lips against Hoseok’s. 

Softly, gently, innocently, and too quickly for Hoseok’s liking. And yet, the light touch was more than enough to send a shiver to all of the older’s nerves.

So when Hyungwon is about to pull away Hoseok chases his lips right away, receiving a bubbly laugh as a response. 

Oh god. He laughed and Hoseok realized how much he missed his laugh. He missed making him laugh. It felt so rewarding, so - 

However, before he could finish his train of thoughts Hyungwon presses his lips against Hoseoks’ again, nearly knocking the soul out of the older.

He hardly has a moment to react when Hyungwon’s right arm pulls him flush against himself. 

His left hand finds its way to the right side of Hoseok’s face. 

Shortly after, the younger licks over his lower lip.

Hoseok smiles into the kiss before granting the younger access. 

It was a sloppy, wet kiss that tasted of gin and cigarettes but Hoseok couldn’t fight the thoughts that were going through him. 

Hyungwon’s smell was intoxicating.

Wherever Hyungwon touched gave him a burning sensation. 

Hyungwon deepened the kiss as he ran his fingers down Hoseok’s neck and that was it.

The kiss wiped out everything from Hoseok’s head. 

For the first time, it seems like in forever Hoseok’s mind was stuck in present.

And the only thing he was capable of thinking about was Hyungwon. 

_Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't ruin the moment and it ended up being decent...because if I did....I pretty much ruined an entire story. Oh boy.


End file.
